My child is being assaulted

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DD 7has been assaulted multiple times by 2 boys in her year. She has been punched, slapped, kicked and pushed over.

Schools advice is for her to "keep away from the boys she knows are known to be volatile" so when they are playing whole year games, for example, the school have suggested she "uses clear language to ensure they are ready for theor turn, so as not to provoke their anger" and "when explained to the girls that their are some boys who are prone to angry outbursts, and the girls should avoid being around them"

AIBU, or is this absolutely ridiculous?!

This is outrageous, although I can believe it, my daughter was being bullied and teased constantly by a boy who had issues and the school made me remove my daughter who is incredibly shy and quiet and take her to another school! They said they would do a supported move! So they prefer to remove victims as opposed to perpetrators because it's easier! Needless to say

That is disgusting. Complain to everyone and anyone

Honestly these responses are ridiculous. Going into school and frightening the staff and parents, no wonder children think they can do what they want.

There will almost certainly be another side to this story. I am imagining the boys parents could easily post 'a girl in my son's school keeps going up to him and harassing him when he is playing with his friend. He has told her no several times but still she continues to pester him every lunchtime and break time. My son is ND and finds this hard to manage and after her ignoring him saying no he has hit out. I am frustrated that the school aren't doing anything to stop this girl going up to my child and getting him in trouble as he is frustrated she isn't staying away from him'.

I genuinely don't understand why the OP isn't making it clear to her own child that no issue would happen if the children just stayed apart.

No, 98% of posters aren’t wrong.
Hitting & punching is wrong.
ND or not there is no excuse.

But the instigator is the child continuing to pester this boy. I think both children have poor communication skills and all could be easily resolved if they stay apart - and it's the girl who isn't doing this.

We have a ND DC.
Hitting & punching was never on the agenda.
These DC are seven years old. At 14 years the outcome of their violence will be worse. It needs to be stopped now.

It certainly sounds like the school were minimising the issue, but you don't know what steps they have been following to deal with the children in question. I don't think its victim blaming to advise a child to stay away, that's just common sense. She can't be hit if she isn't physically near. It doesn't mean hitting is OK. We all do things to avoid harm to ourselves, locking our cars at night, not walking down dark alleys alone at night, it doesn't mean the thieves are rapists aren't to blame, it's just a way of keeping safe. In that sense I don't think its outrageous advice to stay away.

Also, I work with younger kids, thankfully not violent ones, but one of the biggest areas of conflict and causes of upset is when children do not understand no. Children following others or trying to play when a child has said no thank you, or trying to talk to another who wants quiet time etc. They harass until eventually the other child loses control, it never ever justifies using violence but it does explain why these conflicts arise. I'm not saying this is happening here but it is something to consider, I feel the school wouldn't have said this unless there was a reason.

We all know that’s a lie so damnable as to be virtually a statistic.

They must have a safeguarding and a bullying policy. Find them and continue from there. Hope you will come back and ask the hive mind if you are baffled by what to write and to whom.

I already commented but in light of this.

What is the school policy on supporting children with ASD/ADHD? Does your child have an ECHP or similar and if not, is this something the school is working on to make sure she is getting the attention and help needed?
What is the school policy on safeguarding?
What is the school policy on bullying?

I'd be reviewing the policies in question, outlining the failings (with links to the section/subsection) in each case, as many times as they contravene these, and writing to the chair of governors.

I used to be a school governor and we'd have been down on the school like a ton of bricks if we got wind of something like this happening.

They are...

But suspending them puts them straight back into the hands of the parent who is likely responsible for their poor behaviour in the first place, which means that the behaviour only gets worse.

They need parenting courses for those who have children who are regularly suspended.

By keeping the child in school, then at least they have routine along with an adult who can try and help them with their behaviour.

School are therefore doing the right thing telling children to stay away from those who cannot keep their temper. Children need to learn that if they want others to play with them, they need to be kind.

Don't know how far you've taken this with the School but the Head of Year and the Headteacher need to be made aware. Then go to the Governors, then your local Councillor and then your MP. Threaten to report the assaults to the Social Services and the Police. Do not back down and let your daughter suffer. Local and National Press and threatening to put this all over the internet might help too. Make sure you keep a detailed record - including photos, times and dates - and the names and positions of the School staff who are advising you to roll over. This is outrageous and I'd be furious if I got fobbed off like this. Do not stand for it - the Staff have a duty of care to provide a safe environment - they are failing in that respect. I've worked in several Schools, and we would have never, ever recommended the 'just stay away from them' policy.

Exactly the same thing happened to my friend when her shy and quiet daughter was being bullied by one exceptionally unpleasant ten year old - move Schools then. It only stopped when the mother approached the little beast on the way to School and said she'd run him over if he didn't stop. Highly irregular - her husband was unaware she'd done this. The bullying stopped overnight. It's not good enough and parents shouldn't have to resort to this due to Staff incompetence. I'm glad this is an anonymous site btw.

Ask to see their safeguarding policy
Highlight every part they are not meeting

Make an appt with the HT and the governor responsible for safeguarding
Ask them if they can keep your DD safe
Ask what they will do

Are they an academy?

Absolute rubbish - if your child cannot control himself without resorting to violence he shouldn't be in a mainstream School, ND or not.

God that's appalling. So if some violent male can only express his feelings by beating his wife black and blue that's ok is it?

Not only is it horrifically unsafe for the girls it's teaching the boy a lesson that will see him in prison once he's an adult.

How the hell do people who will accept male violence and use girls as human shields to manage male behaviour end up in positions of responsibility over children?

THIS

And then they wonder why attendance isn't higher. It's because lots of the children don't want to be beaten up!

THIS

And then they wonder why attendance isn't higher. It's because lots of the children don't want to be beaten up!

I think it is very relevant if your DD is ASD/ADHD. She needs extra safeguarding, especially if she cannot see the danger and cannot keep herself safe in the same way a neurotypical child could. Let’s assume she cannot read the early cues when these boys start looking aggressive. The school have a duty of care towards her.

From my limited personal experience of 4 DC in state eduction and their friends over the years, it is usually the well behaved/non violent ND kids who suffer the worst. Their need is high, but they get ignored due to good behaviour, and then often their trauma builds up and it all comes crashing down on them and you are left with a barely functioning child with severe mental health issues.

Then what? What happens to all these children?Society forgets them. Parents can’t work? Money taken from schools to provide 1:1 education at home?

I know your argument will be what about the children who comply? Who are kind? There is a reason these children have all these qualities. Good home environments. Academically able to understand a lesson.

The only answer is more staff in school. Different types of classroom set ups. A complete overhaul of the education system. Surely this is preferable to a child being left behind?

Agree with this. It's such a struggle for parents with a ND child whose behaviour is good. They - generally speaking - really lose out.

Children who are persistently violent and disruptive need to not be in mainstream schools. It doesn't benefit the other children at all and it doesn't even really benefit them if they're getting away with behaviour as children that as adults will see them in prison. It's not setting them up for a good life.

I personally think there need to be special schools, as there used to be.

It's impossible in a mainstream setting to fully address persistent negative behaviours in a meaningful way.

Obviously there will need to be a lot more funding for this. Honestly I'd be all for stopping foreign aid in order to plug this gap, because children are being failed. Charity (or in this case an adequate education system that meets all needs) should begin at home.

And we don't need to perpetuate this. Or condone it.

How have you decided this girl is the “instigator”?….:
are you another poster who has the view “ oh the poor boy…. So awful for him!! He’s only 7!! Of course his being violent and aggressive is not his fault!!”
but yet the 7 yo girl who is being assaulted is to blame for being assaulted?? “She’s brought it on herself/look what she made him do poor boy!!”

We do have special schools ,we even have different types of special schools but its very area dependent what's available and it takes a while to build up evidence that a child's needs cant be met in mainstream
Thats just a fact, but in the meantime there need ,s all children need to safe guarded at school and schools csnt just dismss concerns because a child may have SEN.

If the Head won't act contact the Police. As you say she is being Assaulted, which is a serious crime. She is NOT responsible for the criminals' behaviour. If the Police are reluctant to act push the matter forward with them so that they do take it seriously.