To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

You are far from selfish. You have every right to put your own partner and child, not to mention yourself, first. Go. Escape the burden. You both sound miserable.

I can see why you don’t want to be carers to your parents and brother but it feels like you are pinning a lot of your future plans onto this great life in Hamburg based on the opinion of someone that doesn’t actually live there?

You say that you are sad because you have nobody to invite to your BBQs, do you not have friends? How will this be different in Hamburg, or do you plan to do absolutely everything with your partner’s sister when you all move there together!?

Germany isn’t the other side of the world- people travel further on weekend breaks!
If you had said Australia, your mum might have a point, but Europe? No.

I had my children in my 40's and whilst it might break my heart if they moved abroad forever I would tell them to go. Because it's not about me. They have their life to live, I want them to be happy and fulfilled. I say that without my having the complications that you have - if anything I would say that you have even more reason to go. You can face time each other, and perhaps you will come back to visit from time to time. You only get one life you need to live it for you. You are not being selfish.

Thank you. We are miserable and incredibly lonely. He has no family here at all. I technically have family (my parents and half siblings) but like I said they live an hour away and won’t be of any support. It will be me ending up supporting all of them. It sounds awful but I just…don’t really want to have to do it. it’s one thing having aging parents but a sibling with autism and learning disabilities too? Who also has mental health issues on top of that. Thoughts of the future make me feel ill.

I absolutely hate my part of the UK too. It’s rough and depressing. I hate leaving my house. There’s nowhere nice to take the baby for a walk. I much prefer the vibe of suburban Germany than suburban UK, having visited.

I know going will have its challenges but everything in me is screaming at me to go. My partner’s sister and her partner are absolutely lovely.

You need to double check about the residency eligibility. It isn't just a case of rocking up, filling in a few forms and then you are a resident.

It is Europe, you will be able to travel back and forth the UK to see your family and vice versa. When I saw the word emigrate in your title, I thought Australia.

Not a fucking chance would I move with children to another country. I have heard so many horror stories of the parents splitting up and then one parent unable to stay in the country and essentially lose custody of the children. Be very wary.

I don’t really have friends as I moved to another city to be with my partner. We live in quite a rough area and I haven’t gelled with any neighbours. My workplace has a high staff turnover.

Partner has mates but no close friends

You should live your own life, not the one your parents want.

That said, it would probably be wise for you and your partner to marry for the legal status and protections it would give you.

Have you considered moving to a nicer part of the UK

I've spend a bit of time in Germany and I do think they have a nice outdoorsy lifestyle, so I totally get it. Hamburg is a really cool city as well, and you'll have good access to beaches and coast line from there as well.
You only have one life, you have the opportunity to try this new life that will potentially make you happy.

It is more than just that. It is having family around of a similar life stage and our child having cousins. My partner hasn’t lived in the same country as any of his family for years and it’s getting to him now. His sister would be able to be much more of a support than any of my family, who, as nasty as it sounds, will be hard work for me to manage in the future.

Also cost of living, crime rates, childcare, general quality of life etc all appear to be better in Germany. I like that in Germany they start school later, I’ve always found it ridiculous they start at 4 in the UK.

I meant to add this in my post. Think very very carefully though.

Should the relationship breakdown, you will not be able to leave the country with your child unless their father gives his permission - which would be highly unlikely.

You say you feel very lonely, and that your partners sister and her partner are lovely. Well they are lovely now, but should things go south, they will naturally side with their brother. There is no lonelier feeling than being stuck abroad with a baby, and dealing with a divorce.

You must go into this with your eyes wide open.

Do remember that being on holiday is very different from living somewhere. Is your partner willing to get married? Just a small ceremony/registry office? You may find otherwise you can't just 'tag along ' as his partner (thanks Brexit).
In answer to your question, no you aren't being selfish in wanting a better life for you, your partner and baby. Just go with your eyes open.

No you are not selfish.
Go.
Perhaps you leaving may be what your parents need to realise they need to make plans for your brother's care. And their own.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

It was incredibly selfish of your Mum to say this to you. As parents we are supposed to support our children to achieve whatever is best for them, even if it means we have to miss them. You do not exist just to provide care and support for your aging parents and disabled brother.

Germany isn't far though and Hamburg is very easy to get to.

It is my favourite city over here. But it is HIDEOUSLY expensive. It does have so many good points though and given the chance i'd move there like a shot

Do it

One of our three dses went to Australia 2 years ago, on a 4 year teaching contract, @tangotingo - he has met the love of his life out there and is getting married and applying for permanent residence. Our eldest son and his family live over 8 hours drive from us, and we don’t get to see them very often.

But what matters to dh and to me is that they are happy where they are - of course I’m sad that I don’t see ds1 and his wife and the grandchildren more often, and yes it is hard having ds2 so far away, and only seeing him once a year, unless he is coming to the UK for a special event - but that’s my feelings, and they don’t need to know about them - I wouldn’t want them to worry about me and dh.

If this move is right for you, you need to go for it.

Hamburg is a very short flight away from UK I would happily take Hamburg over Australia where one of my children is living! Obviously best decision for child but not great for Mum 😭

I’ve warned my mum many times that they need to start planning ahead for my brother’s care and getting him used to having a mobile phone, understanding money, socialising with a support worker etc and they just push the can down the road and say “Oh it will all work out in the end!”

They are just expecting me to pick up the slack when it all goes to shit I think. My mum had a health scare last year and thankfully recovered but dad is nearly 70 and she is mid 60s. They have chronic health problems. He won’t cope when something happens to either one of them. They also need each other to cope with my brother as mum has mental health issues and dad is a hoarder. They are skint.

I’m terrified for one of them to die or end up seriously ill and how this will disregulate my brother. Will I end up having to take in my brother whilst then trying to arrange residential care for all 3 of them? Whilst having my own kids? It makes me feel fucking ill.

What’s also ridiculous is that mum thinks I’ll be leaving my child with them for long weekends, no chance.

Germany is nice- and also has its rough parts . There are also nice places in the UK. Germany weather is pretty similar to south England. Except they have colder winters.

So I wouldn’t move for that especially as you can’t speak German which is going to be a big barrier making friends.

But I would move due to your family situation. It sounds quite depressing. And doesn’t sound like it’s going to change.

GO!

I’d definitely go, in your case (and have done so, to another EU country). Check your legal status as a partner, and as a married woman, and rights re children. Also check if you can pass your UK citizenship on to your child if they’re born in Germany, and if they’ll automatically get German citizenship if born in Germany, or your partner’s nationality regardless of where they’re born. EU citizenship is a real gift.

Go for it. It sounds like you'll have far better opportunities. Germany isn't that far away.