To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

Going wouldn’t be selfish

going for the wrong reasons and being unprepared is madness

you are placing far too much on moving to make you happy but actually what of your issues would be solved by moving and how many further issues would be added

do you know what the rules are for emigrating for example are?

I don't think you'd be selfish to emigrate, live your life

But you do have rose tinted specs on. You don't speak German and will be at home with a new baby in a country where you have only your partner's sister as support. You won't be able to make any new mum friends as you don't speak the language, you won't have a job. Your partner will be off at work every day. I think you run a high risk of being very lonely and isolated, and even more miserable than you are now.

Fix your life here, why don't either of you have friends, why are you living somewhere you dislike? You are just running from one problem to another.

You only get one life. It's your job to live it.

I would be very upset if my dd ever decided to emigrate, but I would be devastated if I felt that she was giving up on her own hopes and dreams in order to avoid upsetting me. Above all, I just want her to be happy and to live life according to her own priorities.

It's very easy to stay in touch these days. And Germany is only a short flight away in any case.

This
You seem to have a prescriptive view of your future OP with associated ideals re support and networks etc.
Having a baby is a huge change and moving to a different country is an additional upheaval.
Your parents are in their 60s so not elderly.
Your parents aren't a burden as some have described /implied.
As others have said, Germany is comparitively near.
You may find yourself needing your parents more than you realise.
I wouldn't be making any rash decisions

I would say you need to do the right thing for your family and you. If this means moving to a new country, then do so. It sounds like you need a fresh start somewhere.

The only thing I would say is Hamburg is not a cheap place to live. I have friends who live there (and who have lived in the UK) and it's about the same cost as living in Manchester or Birmingham.

Hope this doesn't offend you, but guess you're asking for opinions. I think it's sn extremely selfish thing to do, especially when you're parents are entering thier twilight years. But then again this is stunning a sign of the times, where people throw thier parents on old people's homes, rather than have them inconvenience thier lives...

Brilliant advice

Say you are doing for a year or two to help you build your Savings.
When she says, ‘But the baby’, point out she hasn’t visited in years and you won’t be able to visit often with a newborn.
Let her tell you all the reasons she doesn’t want you to go. That’s ok, it isn’t blame, it’s conversation. Answer each challenge calmly, as above. When she says ‘but your brother’, well you were never planning on being his carer as you’ve told them many times before. They haven’t prepared your brother for any change, or given him skills he’d need to live with you.

Just let it happen, over the phone, and be glad you don’t live near them.

Theres a lot of things I don’t particularly like about the UK and appear to be better in Germany.

I’m not too fussed about making loads of friends. I want my child to have family.

We live in this area of UK as my partner’s industry exists here, and also exists in Hamburg. It’s non-existent in most parts of the UK.

As a mum facing the possibility that DD will emigrate - I couldn’t imagine telling her not to however much it would hurt - if you love someone set them free

This. I have two friends currently in this position. I am particularly worried given you don’t speak German - it’s very isolating to not speak the language, and if you don’t pick it up you may end up hating living in a country where you feel like an outsider. If you then want to return to the U.K. (or move to another country) and your partner doesn’t then you will be in an awful position.

at the very least, give birth in the UK. Don’t give birth in Germany or you will have zero legal right to leave the country with your child if their dad wants to stay. I’m not sure what your rights would be if your child was British and living in Germany and you wanted to return to the U.K. with them but your partner didn’t…you would have to look into that.

this sounds v scaremongery and I’m surprised I’m writing it tbh because I have moved abroad multiple times in my life and would recommend it as an amazing life experience. Esp given your situation which sounds stifling. But the addition of a child and a foreign language would give me pause for thought. In all the times I have lived abroad, it has never been perfect and despite it all we have ended up back in the U.K. raising the children.

Why don't either of you have friends?

This sounds like the grass is greener syndrome, you'll be exactly the same people in Hamburg and I would bet his younger sister would tire of you being so dependent on her.

Work on your social skills in this country, change jobs, volunteer, whatver to get out or this rut. It'll be the same shit but just with everyone else speaking German.

It’s the younger sister that wants us to go. She moved without knowing the language and has absolutely thrived there.

“If you love someone, set them free” - that is exactly what I was trying to say earlier on @itsthetea - but in a much less succinct and comprehensible way!

However, you are not selfish in wanting to emigrate. You only get one life and your life shouldn’t be beholden to your parents and brother. There are short, cheap flights from Germany to the U.K. and your child can grow up seeing their grandparents each year

Be very careful you don’t lean on your partner’s sister too much. Moving to the same country as her and not speaking the language or knowing anyone else/not working but wanting things to do with a baby, puts a lot of pressure on her!

Honestly please go but be wise about how difficult it might be at the beginning. You are an easy flight away to come home if needed and if you do not go I think you will always regret it. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Sometimes those leaps make for wonderful opportunities.

Are you good with languages?

Your child will need friends even if you don’t. What will you do all day if you can’t have a job and don’t have friends?

You’re not married, you don’t have a job offer there and don’t speak the language - can you even just move there the way things are? How much have you looked into the rules around it.

Why do neither of you have friends? Why do you live somewhere awful that you hate? How will this be different in Germany - for you in particular who will be stuck at home with a new baby whilst your partner is out at work, has his family around and is able to speak the language? You’ll be very isolated.

Having a baby tests even the strongest relationship. You’ll have no support of your own out there - your partner’s sister is hardly going to be impartial. If the worst happens and you split up, where will that leave you when it comes to custody/ residency etc?

You’re not at all unreasonable to want to move abroad if you think it will lead to a better quality of life for all of you, but you absolutely have to go into it with your eyes wide open and a better plan in place. If you’ve not made friends in England where you’re from and without a child keeping you stuck at home, then how do you think you’ll manage somewhere you don’t know the language? What’s the healthcare situation over there? Can you just turn up at a German hospital and have your baby or do you need to pay? Maybe you’ve looked into all this but if not you really do have a lot to look at before you make any decisions.

Definitely go.

If it doesn't work out you can return to the UK or even try somewhere else.

I think you should do it. At least try it for a couple of years.

That said, I think you need to do a ton of research first. I also think you should look into getting married too. Hamburg isn’t far at all and an easy plane journey. But, you are not an EU resident and I would think very carefully about such a move without being married.

Also, download Duolingo now and get learning German.

I also have a sibling who has Autism. I had to make it very clear in my early 20s that I would not be taking on a caring role. Under any circumstances. It was the best thing I could have done as it spurred Mum and Dad into action. My dsis lives away from our parents in her own accommodation with the support of key workers and carers. She is very happy and values being treated like an adult (her words).

Oh OP - you are really setting yourself up to fail here.

you won’t be able to work there as you don’t speak the language. You also will struggle if you don’t find English speaking doctors, dentists etc. you won’t be able to make friends due to the language barrier. You will be entirely reliant on your DP and his sister for your whole life and all your information.

if your dc is born in Germany, if you and your DP split up, you probably won’t be able to stay in Germany and you won’t be able to bring your dc to England with you.

I would try fixing uk life first. Or at least have your baby and mat leave here first, spend a year learning German and then think about it.

I would go for it. Sounds like you have both invested time in sorting out everything. You need to put your yourself your partner and baby 1st. They are your no 1 priority.

Go and I say that as a mum whose son lives on the other side of the world. You only get one life so live it. Am I sad he emigrated yes, but I’m happy knowing he’s doing what he wants to do. As I said to my son, if you go and it doesn’t work out you can come back. If you don’t there’s always the danger of constantly thinking what if…

Have you researched what the legal implications would be if you split from your partner and wanted to return with your child to the UK?