To emigrate knowing it will devastate my mum?

[tangotingo]

I’m breaking my heart over this as I know deep down I want to go but it will break my mum’s heart.

Been with my partner 4 years, we are engaged to be married next year. I’m pregnant with our first baby. I’m British, partner is from Eastern Europe and his family have settled all over the place (he has relatives in Canada, his home country, Germany and Scandinavia).

His younger sister lives in Germany and has lived there a few years now. She has a partner. They are settled in a lovely small town there which is very safe. They only work hospitality jobs there but have a lower cost of living - they live off one partner’s wage and save the rest. They are considering moving to Hamburg for more job opportunities. They are at a very similar age and life stage to us and are also expecting their first baby. There is a particular industry in Hamburg which is very big and similar to what my partner does for work in the UK, don’t want to go into more detail as it’s quite niche but we’ve seen that one particular large firm encourages foreigners to apply if they have a relevant skillset. I would struggle a bit more as my skills are administrative/customer service so I’d likely end up being a stay-at-home parent whilst learning German. My job in the UK is only a call centre role so it’s not like I’d be giving up a career, so I’m willing to do it so long as we can afford to live. Partner’s sister is confident you can live on one wage over there, and also says she knows a firm that is easy to get into without speaking German as she has helped friends from her own country get in there, so she says she could help us get in their initially if we wanted whilst we’re settling.

I feel, probably quite selfishly, that there is nothing for me in the UK. My parents had me in their 40s, I’m in my 20s now and they are in their 60s. They are full-time carers to my autistic brother who is 25 and they refuse to take any steps to prepare him for the fact that they won’t always be around. He is verbal but doesn’t work, he doesn’t even have a mobile phone as he refuses one and they just accept it. My dad is a hoarder and I hate visiting their home as it stresses me out. I have half-siblings on my dad’s who are 20 years older than me and don’t care about me despite my efforts to have a relationship (I’ve attempted to meet them on their birthdays etc to not even receive a text on mine).

I have dealt with so much anxiety over the years about how care for my parents and brother is likely to all fall on to me in the future as my parents age (my half siblings have no interest). I live an hour drive away as when I met my partner I moved to a different city to be with him. We can’t move to my parent’s city as my partner’s industry doesn’t exist there. I feel absolutely stifled by thoughts of the future. Due to my parents age and being carers they won’t be able to offer me any practical support with my baby. Since I moved an hour away 3 years they’ve visited me less than a handful of times.

Due to large age gaps with my siblings and the fact that my partner has no family in the UK, my child will have no cousins to grow up with except for kids my partner’s sister will have in Germany. I recently have been crying my eyes out as I’ve realised nobody in my family deserves to be godparents to my child, nobody gives a shit enough. We’ve already decided godparents will be partners sister and her partner.

Me and my partner are so lonely and desperate to be around people in a similar life stage. He was quite depressed his last birthday as it fell during a heatwave and he wanted to have a BBQ and realised there was just nobody to really invite so we didn’t bother. It’s getting to him now we’re having a child I think.

Our part of the UK is incredibly rough and our car was stolen a few months ago. I hate the UK rainy grey weather and get seasonal depression, I know Germany is hardly a hot country but the UK is particularly bad due to being an island and we’ve enjoyed many lovely summer BBQs and outdoor parties when visiting Germany previously. I’ve always said no to my partner when he’s suggested moving as I feel bad leaving my parents, but since becoming pregnant I’ve started to want to prioritise baby more and I feel they will be better off if we go to Germany. I only really want 1 child but feel pressure to have 2 if we stay in the UK as I feel the child will be lonely, but it’s different if they will have cousins which they will have in Germany. My, my partner, my partner’s sister and her partner will all be able to support each other.

We have the money to emigrate and get settled - £25,000 in savings. This was originally meant to be a house deposit in the UK but every time we’ve found a home we’ve had to pull out due to the house having major damp issues. Every house in our budget is awful and requires major renovation works. We’ve essentially given up.

I have decided I want to go, I know it won’t be easy to find a rental and jobs etc but I want to at least start the process even if it takes a couple of years. Due to my partner’s EU citizenship I can tag along with him to get residency. I think it’s best for me, my partner and the baby. But I know it will break my mums heart. Can anyone give any insight please? Just to add as well they won’t be able to visit me at all as they are poor, and my dad and brother refuse to travel and mum refuses to leave them.

Mum was worried when I first starting dating someone from another country and said from day 1 “please don’t emigrate.”

Am I a selfish cow?

I am assuming you may be Hull or Liverpool based and the industry is maritime.
If you are, I can understand wanting to leave, but, properly cost up the cost of living!
The north of UK is CHEAP in comparison to most European cities.
Weigh up what would happen if your DP loses his (currently theoretical) job out there. Make sure you have a get out plan.
You are entitled to take the risk, but you need to plan for worst case, that's where the logical decision will come from, rather than rose tinted views of your child growing up with a cousin.
For what it's worth, I have one DD. And live in a run down northern city (although my area is nice). My family are 3 hours away and have never once visited. We moved here when DD was weeks old and I had no body and no Job. I have in recent times developed a nice circle of friends with same aged children. I have a thriving career and living costs are relatively cheap so we can save! It's as good as family as far as I'm concerned. Family isn't everything. As you know from your own.

God it’s only Germany, and it doesn’t have to be forever.

You should put your own little family first.

I would frame it as a two year trial - and it’s not that far! They might not be able to visit you but I’m sure you can manage a weekend now and then. You only have one life and you need to live it.

I say that as a parent to two young adult dc - if they decided to emigrate for a better life, I’d obviously miss them but I’d encourage them to do what’s best for them.

I think it’s the no friends bit many of us are picking up. If you seem lonely here because you have no friends it’s going to be even harder if you can’t speak the language.

If you are so keen to go I’m not sure why you haven’t started learning the language

And you seem to be avoiding the question about what you would do if you split up with your partner

You’ve got me there haha! It immediately rules out most places in the UK as we’d need to be somewhere with a port for him to keep his career. That is why Hamburg appeals.

We find our city to be quite grim with massive socioeconomic problems.

Honestly OP, go. You’ll regret it if you don’t give it a try and always think ‘what if’. I think there are some wise suggestions on here about considerations but nothing that you can’t plan sensibly for.
Inthink the people saying what happens if you split up have a good point but I don’t think it’s a reason not to go. And if you’re getting married and having a a baby, you’re planning to a future together fully committing to staying together. You don’t get married planning to split up. It’s sensible to always be aware of the possibility but not to plan your whole life around it.

You don’t owe your parents anything. And you don’t hav to carry guilt for making choices that benefit you and your family. Any parent who doesn’t want what’s best for their children is a pretty poor parent.

I am avoiding the “what if you split up with your partner question” because in that case why have a child with him in the first place? He is my partner and we are planning our life as a pair. He has good values and would not screw me over.

We have a great relationship, we’re getting married, I don’t see this being on the horizon. I know it can always happen but I’m not going to plan my life around this happening. My child will be born in the UK, and I will maintain my own savings in case of the worst. Beyond that, I don’t see that I should be stuck in the UK.

If, in the worst case scenario I ended up single and stuck in Germany in a few years time I would put my big girl boots on and make it work. People move countries all the time, from very poor parts of the world and make a life for themselves. I do not want to remain in the UK.

Go for it - you can always come back if it doesn’t work out.
I hope my kids never feel that they are responsible for me. Theres email, video calls, social media - in my day, if you went away there was only a paper letter home unless you wanted to spend a fortune on a phone call! (I’m very old…) good luck!

How much care would you be prepared to give your brother op? None? Advocating from afar? Making sure that he is safe and not being exploited?

@pocketpairs - excuse me ‘twilight years’?!? They are in their 60s, not late 70s! I am 63 and plan on spending a year in Spain in 2027! I too have a chronic condition but I think I’ve still got at least 20 odd years and do not plan on waiting around.
OP, my parents immigrated. First my mother left Ireland for England, as did most of her siblings (west coast so about the sane distance as here to Germany). It was almost expected! Then when we were small to the United States for my father’s work. They didn’t look back, and gut sure their parents (well my dads were dead by then) certainly didn’t expect them to hang around!
Im a widow and very close to my young adult children. But if one said they were off, especially to a place as easy to get to as Germany, and be saying great! Grab life by both hands and try it out!

Do it

It’s nothing to do with a high flying career-you are crying your eyes out, desperately lonely and haven’t made any friends where you live. You are then suddenly wanting to move to a different country which is expensive to live in, where you don’t speak the language just to be with one couple.I wouldn’t say necessarily meek but it does feel you are rather desperate and pinning all your hopes on this being the solution to all your problems. Have you properly costed things out? What if you fall out with this couple? What if you have a baby and you split up with your partner? How does he feel about being the sole earner?

If, in the worst case scenario I ended up single and stuck in Germany in a few years time I would make it work. I do not want to remain in the UK

Ive asked this before. You will need a visa to be able to work because unlike your husband you’re not a eu citizen. Are you eligible for a visa?

Get married and go. You're young, there's so much of your life still to be lived.

If you split with your partner yes that can cause issues with custody, make sure you're going with eyes wide open on that score but don't let what ifs deter you.

I would however try to agree with DP that it's not necessarily a permanent move, that you'll give it 2 years, 3 years, whatever but if one of you is unhappy, then both of you move elsewhere, whether that's back to the UK or somewhere else.

Best of luck.

Absolutely advocating from afar. Regular phone contact if I could, but my parents refuse to get him a mobile phone so unsure if he’ll ever be able to do this. Visiting him when I visit the UK, absolutely.

Having him living with me, or expected to drive to every single weekend or evenings after work for visits and to take him out to his special interests (once my parents are ill or too elderly) on a regular basis whilst also having my own children to ferry about, whilst having to fit in weekly visits my parents too, absolutely not. This would be expected if I lived nearby.

Go. It's Germany - a short flight away.
Also you don't actually live that close to your family now so not sure why you should be shackled to this country for that reason

This is good advice- whilst in Germany try to bolster your career prospects! So you can stand on your feet alone should things go south or something unexpected happens. I assume all of your parents assets will be left to your brother? In which case its not worth giving up everything potentially you can get in germany for a family that expects you to be a slave.

Hamburg is a great city, and Germany is a great country to live in. Contray to what you might think, you will need to make a real effort to learn German- you can't- and shouldn't- rely on people speaking English to you. It's close as well- I by plane and car.

It sounds like a big opportunity. You will be able to afford rent in Hamburg as rent is controlled and therefore save for your life. And have a community that can support you. Really good. Sad for your mum but how can you carry all the weight of your family on your shoulders? You could give her a chance to visit you a few times a year, maybe? Good luck.

That first paragraph is amongst the most naïve I've read on Mumsnet.

Go my dear. Go and don't look back. And definitely do take that EU passport

I am not naive. Going by that attitude of “what if something goes wrong”, how does anyone ever do anything in life?

I was picky in choosing my partner. I am confident in our relationship, as is he.

Everyone who is divorced once said that.

your parents and brother will all get adult social services help, benefits, etc, whatever. You still have a chance to carve a great life

It’s only a one hour 30 minute flight from e.g. Manchester to Hamburg Airport.