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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think she should let me have them

187 replies

DallazMajor · 13/02/2026 12:05

I have a particular style and people comment on it.

My friend bought some shoes in a charity shop. She said “oh I bought these shoes - they are so you”. She showed them to me and yes they are so me. She then put them in a box in her wardrobe.

This month she said I could borrow them for my mums funeral. :(
Lots of people commented on them “they are so you”. Etc. She kept telling everyone they were her shoes that she picked up at a vintage fayre for £5.

For context she is a very close friend.

AIBU to think she should let me have the shoes.

She fully discloses that she will “Never wear them”.

OP posts:
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8
Isittimeformynapyet · 13/02/2026 12:07

There's no "should" in this situation, but it's odd of her to be sure.

I'd be really happy to have found them for you.

PGmicstand · 13/02/2026 12:07

I am sorry to hear about your mum. I hope you have sufficient support around you whilst the grief is so raw. But I think you may be letting your feelings cloud your judgement.

I don't think she should let you have them. She may have other plans for them, or may say she will 'never wear them' as in she's not often at occasions where they'd be appropriate.

If you would like the shoes, you could offer to buy them from her, at the price she paid for them.

OperationalSupport · 13/02/2026 12:08

Have you said to her that you’d be interested in buying them from her? You can’t expect people to just give you their possessions.

pilates · 13/02/2026 12:09

Could you offer to buy them off her if she’s not going to wear them?

Brewtiful · 13/02/2026 12:09

OperationalSupport · 13/02/2026 12:08

Have you said to her that you’d be interested in buying them from her? You can’t expect people to just give you their possessions.

This was my first thought. It doesn't actually sound like you've asked her for the shoes?

devildeepbluesea · 13/02/2026 12:09

Sorry about your mum, but she bought the shoes and if she wants to keep them in a box in her wardrobe til she dies, that’s her prerogative. You could ask to buy them, of course.

2dogsandabudgie · 13/02/2026 12:11

I do think it's strange to buy something that you have no intention of wearing. Next time she says that ask her why she bought them and that you would be happy to buy them off her.

5128gap · 13/02/2026 12:11

If my friend showed me a pair of shoes that were 'me' and 'fully disclosed' she'd never wear them herself, I'd ask her why she'd bought them. Her answer would maybe offer some insight into whether there was any motive other than to play games with you. I might also ask to buy them from her if I wanted them that much and she appeared to have no use for them.

SummerInSun · 13/02/2026 12:12

Really sorry about your mum. I think you may have misread what she is trying to say to you. By saying (repeatedly) they are very you, she may have been hoping you’d say “absolutely, I love them, is there any chance I can buy them from you?”, and she will likely either say yes or say you can have them as a gift. The fact you haven’t said you want them may be making her feel she misjudged the situation and she is stuck with a pair of shoes she hoped you’d like and want.

ShetlandishMum · 13/02/2026 12:13

It's not yours. You could offer to byy them from her.

ScholesPanda · 13/02/2026 12:13

Agree you could ask to buy them.

But the whole things sounds like a weird power play, so if she offered to lend them again I'd probably tell her I no longer liked them.

user2848502016 · 13/02/2026 12:13

Have you offered to buy them from her?

5foot5 · 13/02/2026 12:16

TBH I am struggling to imagine a personal style and a pair of shoes so distinctive that multiple other people will actually comment on it.

StrangePond · 13/02/2026 12:17

Have you actually asked her if she will give or sell them to you?

Im really sorry for your loss, OP. I wonder what actually going on here. I must admit that I’d find it pretty odd if lots of people spent my mother’s funeral commenting on how well my shoes suited me, regardless of whether they were borrowed or my own.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2026 12:18

Offer to buy them if you want them.

My condolenses about your mother.

AmusedMember · 13/02/2026 12:19

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but there is no SHOULD give them to you.

You could ask to buy them from her, but they are her shoes, just because they are your style does not mean she should give them to you!

QuietLifeNoDrama · 13/02/2026 12:21

I think you should ask her if she would consider selling them to you but my gosh you do sound entitled to think you should just be given them. Regardless of how much you like them they are hers.

nomas · 13/02/2026 12:21

Sorry about your mum Flowers

Is it possible your sadness for your mum is making you fixated on a smaller issue like these shoes?

I would just give the shoes back and never think of them again.

godmum56 · 13/02/2026 12:39

you are worried about shoe choice for your mother's funeral?

BillieWiper · 13/02/2026 12:40

If I was her and I never wore them I'd tell you to borrow them indefinitely and if I ever want to wear them I'll ask for them back. But basically they'd be yours.

If she really loves them for whatever reason I guess I can see why she might just like looking at them? Or she just didn't realise how much you love them?

You could offer to buy them off her for a tenner? Double what she paid? That's fairly generous?

I'm so sorry about your lovely mum x

PickledElectricity · 13/02/2026 12:41

My condolences about your mum. I can only assume that the stress of her passing is making you focus on things that don't matter and act so entitled. I hope you have support to grieve your mother x

honeylulu · 13/02/2026 12:48

I'm so sorry about your mum.

Your friend has behaved quite oddly and I'm wondering if bewilderment on top of your grief has led you to fixate on the shoes.

It's really quite strange for her to have bought shoes she admits she will never wear, declares then to be "so you" and lends them to you but tells everyone while you are wearing them at your mum's funeral that they are hers and then wanted them back again. You aren't entitled to her possessions but they cost £5 and she wont wear them but knows you would and you're a good friend - it just seems so obvious she would give them to you and yet she's almost made a point that she won't.

One of my close friends has another old friend who always seems a bit jealous of her. The other friend is very well off but my close friend is really beautiful, charismatic and happily married. She has told me on some occasions she's shared with the old friend that she's saving up for something she really wants and the next time she sees old friend, the friend has bought that very thing for herself and seems sort of triumphant about it. It seems a bit like "you may be beautiful but I'm rich so i can have the material things you want" although a kinder interpretation might be that she admires beautiful friend and leaps at the chance to adopt her tastes and be more like her(?)

No idea if it's the same sort of thing but do you think your friend is jealous of you?

TheTortiePuffinNeedsHerBreakfast · 13/02/2026 12:49

They're her shoes but I agree with the PP who said it seems like some kind of weird power play. Fine for her to lend them, but to then comment on how much they suit you whilst also professing that she will never wear them herself is off in my opinion.

Sparklingwaterornothing · 13/02/2026 12:58

She sounds unhinged!!

If I had found shoes perfect for a friend for £5 I would have either bought them and gifted them to said friend OR thought ohh they’re so ‘my fiend’ and left them in the charity shop for someone else.

Hoarding something you’ll never use that has no significant value -sentimental or monetary is odd behaviour!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/02/2026 12:58

I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum.

The situation with the shoes is really weird. I can’t quite fathom the mentality of someone who would buy pair of shoes they thought would suit a friend’s style, not give them to the friend, but never wear them themselves. Whilst telling the friend they were “so you” and lending them to said friend for a highly emotional event.

It’s really weird.

Is she trying to have some sort of hold over you?

Or do you think your understandable grief about your Mum has led you to fixate on the shoes?