AIBU to think she should let me have them

[DallazMajor]

I have a particular style and people comment on it.

My friend bought some shoes in a charity shop. She said “oh I bought these shoes - they are so you”. She showed them to me and yes they are so me. She then put them in a box in her wardrobe.

This month she said I could borrow them for my mums funeral. :(
Lots of people commented on them “they are so you”. Etc. She kept telling everyone they were her shoes that she picked up at a vintage fayre for £5.

For context she is a very close friend.

AIBU to think she should let me have the shoes.

She fully discloses that she will “Never wear them”.

I searched for Vintage 1930s lace-up Oxford style shoes with decorative perforations Found them all over the place including ebay.

Also found them on a site a that another poster mentioned. They have them in lots of colours and sizes, including cream . Bit pricey £175!

https://memery.co.uk/products/1930s-everyday-oxford-high-heel-shoes-white-marie

OOPs sorry @DallazMajor just had another look and the photo I posted in my post is the is the same as your one! But I did find similar shoes all over the internet by searching for Vintage 1930s lace-up Oxford style shoes with decorative perforations. Have a look at https://www.lightinthebox.com/

Why is it any of her business though? If I bought a bottle of perfume I never planned to use, would it be my friends business to ask why I bought the perfume? It may not make sense to her, but still doesn't make it any of her business.

Because she said she’ll not wear them, just keep them in a box in a cupboard!

Which is her right. I think almost everybody (including me, and I'm definitely not a hoarder) has stuff in their cupboards that they won't ever use. That doesn't mean we're obliged to give them or sell them to someone else, no matter how much they might want them.

Not using something doesn’t give all your friends carte blanche to swoop in and help themselves.

I'm sorry about your mum. You're certainly not entitled to her shoes though. Why do you think you should be given them?

Create a thread in style and beauty and ask there. Those ladies are amazing at finding anything. They’re usually kind too.
I wouldn’t mention the shoes to your friend again. She’s been an arse.

@Butterflyvillage 💪🥂

Sorry to hear about your mum.

Of course she should give you the shoes.

Your ‘friend’ is either very mean or controlling. Probably both.

Do not ever borrow them again. Don’t mention them. She can go f**k herself.

This whole thing is weird. I think its weird to expect to just have your friends shoes.

I think its weird shoes would be "you"

But I think its super weird that everyone at your mums funeral is commenting on your borrowed shoes?!?!

And she bought them because she liked them.. she may never wear them but theyre her shoes. If you like them so much Google them or search ebay to get yourself a pair.

I find It a bit odd that this is the thing that is on your mind and you feel so strongly about when you have just lost your Mum. I'm not saying that to be mean, because I think it's actually quite common and understandable to fixate on things that feel smaller and more within our control when we are grieving. And so I just wonder if this is really about the shoes? Be kind to yourself.

Why should she give her the shoes?

Sorry about your mum, but your friend does not owe you these shoes. Maybe she is being weird about it, you know her. But ultimately they are her shoes and sure you can find a similar pair somewhere online.

The word 'Never' is often used without meaning literally never.

People calling the friend unhinged should be checking that their own hinges are present

The whole thing is just weird. No, she doesnt owe you anything, so she shoudnt have to give you those shoes. I wouldn't have even bothered borrowing them from her, as the situation is so weird. If she didnt tell you about her purchase, you'll be none the wiser. Dont mention the shoes. Dont ask to borrow them again, and if she mentions them, say you are so happy for her that shes got them, but you dont really want to borrow them again. Most probably she'll give them to you in due course, once she's realised that you dont really care two fecks about her shoes.

I also find it weird that people at the funeral are commenting on your shoes, and that you are fixated on these shoes when you are grieving the loss of your mother. Get over the shoes, you'll probably get given them if you show to her that you dont reallt care for them. My condolences for the loss of your mum OP x

Because she’s her ‘friend.’

Do you have friends? Do you ever do anything nice for them?

Come on, this £5 per of shoes are sitting in a box in her wardrobe doing nothing.

Her so called friend was bragging at her mums funeral that they were hers. How fucking embarrassing.

Ask her if you can have them. Or just steal them? Or you could just buy your own shoes?

Oh I hate game playing twats like your friend. Just ignore her, don't ever borrow the shoes or anything else she's just using it as a wierd sense of control or oneupmanship.

What you got on your knees in front of her and said "I'm begging you, please let me buy those shoes"? 😀because that's what begging means.

I’ve decided she can stick the shoes up her arse.

I have plenty of friends, but that still doesn't mean I should give them my possessions does it? She doesn't know what the person is planning to do with the shoes, she may really want to wear them but doesn't have the right outfit, or she can keep them to look at if she wants and that's her choice regardless of if someone else would want them to wear.

I missed the bit about the friend bragging that the shoes were hers at the OPs mum's funeral, yes that's bloody weird behaviour, but it's also weird behaviour from the OP fixating on a pair of shoes, it's clearly not about a pair of second hand shoes at all.

It is her right of course. It’s my right to spit on the floor and burp loudly in peoples faces, but I don’t do it. Having a ‘ right’ is a non point scorer here.
I don’t want to argue with you, I really don’t. I think different people have different types of friendships. I know this is the case, as I have friends who are lovely and thoughtful and generous and I have friends that do the bare minimum and are congratulating themselves on it. In my experience, the bare minimum fruends have no idea at all of what goes on between more generous loving friends. It’s just the way it is. So those of us with the warmer friendships think hoarding shoes that your grieving friend would love is a failiure move, whereas those that do the bare minimum because it is their right to do so, remain stumped by the fact that their lack of generosity has been registered.

I think being fixated on the shoes is a symptom of something else.

Condolences for your mam.

Of course it would have been nice of her to give them to you, but you really don't have any right to expect that of her.

Maybe she really admires your style, or just particularly loves these shoes, despite the fact they're not her normal style (though the ones you linked look like they'd suit anyone), or maybe she's just really happy about getting such a bargain?

It does sounds like she was being odd at the funeral - possibly because she knows you want the shoes, if you've asked to buy them before? Still very odd not to just let you have the compliment.

Hope you can both move on from the shoes and also hope she will support you through your grief.