Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

What would your kids prefer?

I agree, they are old enough to decide. I assume they have phones. If they want to message their dad to come collect them when they are with your mum then I’m not sure you can really do much about that.

Don't know. They haven't been asked about it.

On the face of it he doesn't sound unreasonable, do we need any more background info?

Maybe ask them?

Way to think of your kids first!!

let the dad have them if you can’t spare the time yourself to look after your own kids…

Why would you not ask him to have them? Of course the other parent should be the first person you ask.

But also, why hasn't he applied for more contact if he wants them more?

I kinda think yabu unless hes abusive or something

Why? It sounds ideal for him to have them. Sure your mother live five minutes away? I mean they are old enough to be left on their own other than overnight so under what circumstances are you talking about?

Surely at their age its up to them where they want to go?

It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances

That seems mean as you have so much more “my time” than he does.

I’m sure you could find a reasonable compromise with a more general attitude.

It’s your time to look after them so do what you want and they might love spending time with their grandparent. I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. Just ask the children what they would prefer if the logistics work out for you. This does smack a bit of a reverse to be honest though.

You’re so unreasonable and clearly it’s more about sticking it to him than what’s best for them dc. At 13/14 what level of childcare are they needing?

If it is more than a small amount of time, he should be offered the opportunity for extra time with his children.

You need rules to how long of a block requires an offer as well as how long the other parent has to respond to your offer of extra time.

Reverse?

I think it depends if it's for half an hour or for a couple of nights

Do they need childcare? At that age can they not stay themselves and if they want to visit their dad they just contact him?
Why haven’t you asked them what they would like

We agreed this arrangement in court. He argues that a lot has changed since then (8 years ago) He's the one trying to break the agreement. It's pretty straightforward. Surprised you ladies think this way.

Is this a reverse post?

Because it seems to me very obvious that you should either:
A) offer the kids' dad this opportunity for more time with his kids

Or

B) ask the kids what they themselves would prefer, and go with that. (The fact that you have never discussed it with them, given their ages, frankly seems bizarre. What do you guys talk about, if this doesn't come up?)

I am not suggesting you should never let them go to their gran - other family relationships are important too. But given that she lives next door, I assume they get to bond with her quite a lot anyway.....

IVe read so many posts on here with women saying ‘he can do what he wants with the kids on his time, you have to accept it’

so I don’t think yabu at all 🤷‍♀️

Assuming you are genuine, what's more important to you? Maximising your kids' happiness? Or a court order?

That's not really the point. There's an agreement in place. Anyway he says it wouldnt be fair putting them in a position asking them to choose.

Wow, you are really nasty

Why couldn't they pop to their dad's if you are not there? Petty and nasty.

Hopefully he will go to court and get the agreement changed.

You don't think she should ask her teenagers what they would prefer? That's not important?

Hold on. He's the one creating tensions. Me and my mother have a very good arrangement. The kids love their nanny.