Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

Nowhere does it say he’s asking for a formal change. He’s asking to be asked first if babysitting opportunies arise… which is a pain in the ass if OP’s mother is just next door and dad might be busy and say no or it’s a short time or an emergency or whatever

Explain your reasoning then please?

What are you thinking the "court action" that OP mentions is, if it's not requesting a formal change?

Whether it is "creating tension" or not depends entirely on why he has them so little in the first place.

Do you not want your ex to know when you leave? Or when you come home?

Is he unsafe?

Well who knows since it’s very vague but it seems from what OP has actually said that he just wants to have first refusal on babysitting. So maybe he thinks that the courts will make an order about that? Rather than him taking on the commitment of having them another day per week or something consistent and in a routine

So, what do you get out of posting ragebait to MN? What possible you can it bring you?

The court order is 8 years old - a lot changes in such a long time. Unless there is some specific issue we don't know about, he could go for 50:50 nnowadays the court and get it.

"He threatens to take it to the court" - yes, either you agree on a new arrangement out of court (preferable), or he will have to take it to the court.

You’ve never had to leave your kids for any reason at all? How does that translate to “ can’t spare the time to look after your own kids”??

Why on earth wouldn’t you let your (and I mean dh and you , not just you) kids go to their dad if he is a decent kind caring loving father - if you need childcare /an adult

I would love my dc to spend more time with their dad. Sadly he’s not trustworthy to look after them (alcoholic)

but your kids dad isn’t like that

unless a massive drop feed why he can’t have them

but if has them every other weekend then I don’t see the issue

you sound spiteful

don’t use your kids to score points

Every other weekend and one weeknight.

you are correct, he should be grateful….

Jesus, read the room!!

why should op engage with the dad when she had better things to do than spend time with her kids? Hang on. Let me think. Oh yeah, he is the father.

so the grandparents are more important than the DAD??

oh forget, dads are shit parents….

Yeah, but not every case is last minute emergency.
Sounds the OP refuses to consider it even in cases where it would be realistic.

Well, when my exh and I split up, we had the same arrangement as you - EOW and one night in the week.

He asked specifically asked that I ask him before I looked for a babysitter. So I did. Why wouldn't I have done that?

This has the feel of a reverse, as others have said.

If not, on the surface it would make sense to ask the children what they want to do, and it would be good for them to have additional time with their dad if everyone is happy. He's just round the corner so a more flexible arrangement should be possible.

It is possible that there's a difficult history, and that OP doesn't want her ex to know what she's doing. Or that the current arrangements were hard-won and she doesn't want to risk them being unsettled. The tone of the replies doesn't suggest that is the case, but there could be reasons why OP is reluctant to change something which is working.

Nobody said they’re more important but he spends the time with the kids he asked for and never changed 8 years ago. If he approached OP for more time on a formal basis who knows what she would say (if she refused I would agree she is BU)

BUT if grandma lives next door and OP wants to go out and not have to check ex’s availability every time then I don’t think that’s unreasonable - just my view!

On the one hand you’re accusing OP of “having better things to do than spend time with her own kids” if she wants to do anything ever without them yet Dad is perfectly OK to only ever ask for EOW and one weeknight yet demand he’s considered for additional time he’s unwilling to formally commit to?

They are teenagers, court will give weightignto their opinion so they will get asked.

But ultimately whilst legally you are correct, as their other parent he should be given the option. But more than that it isnt about your wants or his, it should only ever be about what is best for the kids.

What is the back story that is making you so belligerent about this?

Court is pointless at those ages. But then so is you insisting where they go when they are old enough to make their own choices. In fact why doesn't he just speak to them himself and tell them they are welcome if they want?

Hes a good caring father. Why shouldn't his kids be around him if thats what they want?

Yes that’s correct, congratulations for understanding what I said

what the hell is EOW??

oh every other weekend?? This was agreed 8 years ago iirc? Things change, roll with it

You have now swerved the question "What do the kids want?" for three pages; do you plan to ask them, or do you already know but not want to tell us? Does what they want spoil your narrative?

Why would you think he should have gone back to court to vary the order that was granted 8 years ago? That's not really how court works. If circumstances change hugely then a new application might be appropriate but he went to court, got a final order and stuck to it. Criticising the guy for adhering to a court order and not wanting to go through the whole ordeal again is a bit of a reach.

With respect I have used no incendiary or emotive language. I have stated the facts of the situation. There is an agreement which he is free to challenge. Like I have said, the kids are perfectly happy with things.

You aren't giving teenage kids the choice?

Make that six pages.

What do the kids want?

For love of goodness - ask the teens. Give them the choice!

They are 13 and 14 and should be allowed to go to their dad's when they want.

Court orders don't really apply once kids get to teens and can start making their own way to the other parents. Surely they can walk to their dads