Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

If he's five minutes away, it does sound like the agreement could be relaxed so they can spend more time with their dad, if that's what they want. At their age they should be able to decide, and it's refreshing to hear of an ex-husband on MN who wants to spend more time with his DC.

It doesn't need to detract from their relationship with their grandmother either. It could be best of both worlds.

I think it’s nice to read of a Dad who’d like to spend more time with his children. Looks like he has 3 days a fortnight currently. I think asking the teens if they’d like extra visits with Dad sometimes would be a positive thing for all of you. If they don’t want to - that’s the end of it. A friend of mine had an agreement with her ex that if either needed to go out on ‘their’ time, they would both ask the other to have the children before asking anyone else. Worked out fine.

At 14 & 16 it’s not unreasonable to offer the DC more time with their Dad if they’d like it.

Not the point of the post but I must have misunderstood what young adult means, I thought it was like 18-21 ish I’d never have thought described 13, 14 as any type of adult, I do agree though that they’re old enough to make their own minds up and if they’d prefer extra time with dad they should be allowed that option.

I don’t see any harm in their grandparents looking after them. If dad wants more time, can he have more or are you quite strict in limiting his time?

I'm not surprised, to be honest.

He has a close loving relationship with them and is a good father. Why don't you want them with him on those spare occasions? Court order aside

If he’s only get his kids 6/8 days a months when they’re regularly spending time your away with their nan then of course he’s going for more time via court.

there’s no need to for it to get to that. You could just compromise. She lives next door they probably see her most days.

The kids are perfectly happy with gran.

It’s actually disgraceful that you’d drag him to court over a 14 year old rather than give that 14 year old the autonomy to decide. I can only imagine this is a financial thing because it certainly isn’t about the interests of your kids.

He's a few minutes away, wishes to spend more time with his children, they enjoy being with him...I suspect the reason you're not asking is because you know they would prefer to be with their dad.

I can't say I blame the bloke for going through proper channels if you're insisting on sticking rigidly to an agreement made when one of them was so young they'd just started school.

Giving them a choice by asking who they'd like to spend their time with isn't making them choose....you're giving them a choice to make a decision for themselves instead of choosing for them as you're doing now.

Are there financial implications for you op if he has the children more often? Would you potentially lose maintenance?

YABU- My friend got divorced and their ex thought just like you, except they were sending the kids to paid childcare not a grandparent. Kids ended up with a very strained relationship with them.

Your kids are old enough to say where they want to be, don't use them as weapons.

Creating tensions ????

I dont think you have an idea of what tensions are.

He's stated his position.
You've stated yours.

You have every right to stick to the court order.

But YABVU not to give the kids the option.

PS. As others have said this seems more spite and self-righteousness than optimal parenting. Do you have a genuine reason why you think its a bad idea to acquiesce to his suggestion??

How sad would it be if that was the case

REVERSE POST 100%

Yes there's a court agreement but it's there for the good of the kids. If something different is good for them and you can mutually agree that, do that instead. More time with dad would definitely be good for them. Having their opinions heard and respected would be good too.

50:50 here. The other parent is always given first refusal if one of us is unavailable.

What do you think is the kids best interests? Not yours or their Nan or their dad, because ultimately that’s how you should be an approaching this.

their relationship with nan won’t suffer with a couple of extra over nights. Nor is anyone disputing that they are happy at nans.

You sound petty and mean-spirited. You say they have a close and loving relationship with their dad, why wouldn't you want them to have even more exposure to that? Just because the court said so, 8 years ago?

I'm sure they do love granny but they are definitely old enough to decide for themselves.

My BIL is like this with his ex. Her parents love to spend time with the kids but he will take offence to her asking them to look after them on her time.

he also complained one day when DH and I picked up the kids from school and brought them to ours for ex SIL to collect as she returned from a holiday! Like it was a bad thing for the kids to spend time with their Aunt, uncle and cousins (time being an hour!)

yet when they were together he had zero problem with her parents “parenting” his kids while he sat in the house not getting involved!

I bet this is over money. If he gets to have them more his contributions will reduce, no?
How many days a week do your kids stay with their nan?

So they have a close, loving relationship with their father and he lives 5 minutes away?

Of course they should have the option to spend more time with him. I'd expect at the ages that they are, living so close together, they could have a more flexible arrangement rather than a rigid, court ordered arrangement.

I'd take you to court as well if I was him

They can be close to your mum but also spend more time with their dad.

He’s a good dad. They have a close relationship. They’re old enough to make up Their own minds. Why wouldn’t you at least ask them? I’m guessing it’s got something to do with money.