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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

599 replies

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:03

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 12/02/2026 20:16

Do your children of that age not have a voice themselves?

namechange272727 · 12/02/2026 20:16

If you went to court now, barring major safeguarding concerns, they wouldn’t dictate arrangements for teenagers as it’s not in their best interests, you need to adapt to your children’s changing needs, not just assume an arrangement made 8 years ago is still appropriate

Sirzy · 12/02/2026 20:16

“I have to work late tomorrow - should I ask your Nan if she is free or do you want to go to your Dads?”

surely that’s all that is needed at that age? As the children get older it’s normal for things to change to reflect that.

cestlavielife · 12/02/2026 20:16

At that age they can decide
They can text dad and go there

Ilovelurchers · 12/02/2026 20:16

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:14

That's not really the point. There's an agreement in place. Anyway he says it wouldnt be fair putting them in a position asking them to choose.

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They are young adults you share your home and life with. I assume you talk to them? Do they like going to their dad's more than staying with gran, or not?

You must know.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 12/02/2026 20:17

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:16

Hold on. He's the one creating tensions. Me and my mother have a very good arrangement. The kids love their nanny.

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I'm sure they love their dad too.

At their age I'd relax a little and just say that if you're working they're welcome to walk along to dad's or see granny.

Original poster
Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:17

unbelievablybelievable · 12/02/2026 20:06

Why would you not ask him to have them? Of course the other parent should be the first person you ask.

But also, why hasn't he applied for more contact if he wants them more?

He's threatening court action.

OP posts:
Buscake · 12/02/2026 20:18

The court will listen to the children. And you should too!

dadtoateen · 12/02/2026 20:19

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:17

He's threatening court action.

Edited
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To have the kids more??

ThisAutumnTown · 12/02/2026 20:19

I clicked YANBU by accident.
You definitely are being unreasonable.

Sirzy · 12/02/2026 20:19

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:17

He's threatening court action.

Edited
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If you’re being so obstructive to a simple discussion I don’t blame him. This all seems to be about you rather than what’s best for the children.

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/02/2026 20:20

Given he's getting less than 50/50, it doesn't seem unreasonable to ask for more time. The kids deserve a close relationship with their father too.

beAsensible1 · 12/02/2026 20:20

If you need childcare why wouldn’t you ask their dad first? Especially as he is open to it, why be against that. Yes it’s up to you but it’s unnecessarily combative yes you can do what you want but most people would go with their other parent first.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 12/02/2026 20:20

Ilovelurchers · 12/02/2026 20:15

You don't think she should ask her teenagers what they would prefer? That's not important?

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The op has said that the kids love their nanny

k1233 · 12/02/2026 20:20

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:12

We agreed this arrangement in court. He argues that a lot has changed since then (8 years ago) He's the one trying to break the agreement. It's pretty straightforward. Surprised you ladies think this way.

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The kids aren't pawns to win points. If he's keen to have them more and it's not taking time from you (which it isn't because you're not there) then what is the issue?

gamerchick · 12/02/2026 20:21

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:12

We agreed this arrangement in court. He argues that a lot has changed since then (8 years ago) He's the one trying to break the agreement. It's pretty straightforward. Surprised you ladies think this way.

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A lot has changed. They're teenagers, they can decide for themselves. They can even go and visit their dad without your say so if they want and on their own.

I'd loosen the stranglehold if I were you.

Bruisername · 12/02/2026 20:21

Is this about money?

unbelievablybelievable · 12/02/2026 20:21

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:17

He's threatening court action.

Edited
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Good for him.

You hear so many stories of men moaning about their ex's keeping their kids from them but not actually doing anything about it.

BendingSpoons · 12/02/2026 20:21

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:17

He's threatening court action.

Edited
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I can see his point. You made an agreement 8 years ago. He gets to see his kids far less than you do. If he's a decent dad, then it would be good for him to spend more time with the kids. Of course they should spend some time with their nanny, but their dad should really be in second parent role, rather than a grandparent (assuming he is a decent father). At those ages they can somewhat arrange it themselves.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 12/02/2026 20:21

How regularly does your mother provide childcare?

Being totally honest, what’s your primary motivation for keeping the time spent with children split unevenly? Getting one over on him, or the financial arrangement that being primary carer brings?

Rickrolypoly · 12/02/2026 20:22

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:16

Hold on. He's the one creating tensions. Me and my mother have a very good arrangement. The kids love their nanny.

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Is he though?? He wants to spend more time with his kids while you are unavailable to them. He is taking nothing from you. You are using them as collateral. You should be ashamed of yourself. Hard enough on kids trying to navigate 2 different homes without their parents acting like idiots. Hope he takes you to court and gets 50:50

RafaistheKingofClay · 12/02/2026 20:23

Daniella66 · 12/02/2026 20:17

He's threatening court action.

Edited
Show quote history

Well that’s one way of finding out what the children would prefer. If the original agreement was 8 years ago things probably have changed. Either you can agree together a new arrangement without court or if he wants more contact then he can go back to court. At 13 and 14 the court is likely to rely on what the children want.

NoSoupForU · 12/02/2026 20:23

You're being a dick.

The kids are old enough to decide whether they'd want the extra time with their dad or would prefer to stay with their gran.

And you and your ex are definitely old enough to know not to make it all about you, and to just respect their decision.

MoreHairyThanScary · 12/02/2026 20:24

Is he planning on reducing CSA if he has them? Ask the kids

Moonnstarz · 12/02/2026 20:24

They are teenagers. Surely you would ask them what they would prefer if you aren't available. If he does go to court then it will be their voices that will be heard then so it would be foolish to ignore them now saying they like seeing their nanny (as it may be that they would rather be at dads house).