Dad thinks he should have the kids if I'm not available.

[Daniella66]

My ex has the kids dd13, ds14 every second weekend and one evening a week. He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
I always leave the kids with my mother who lives next door if I'm unavailable. Ex says he should be given that time when opportunities arise. (He lives 5 mins away) I don't agree. It's my time so I'll decide what happens in those instances.

More than their father? Be honest, you’re doing it to have the upper hand. Be careful that it doesn’t come back to bite you!

Yes, we get that, but given the choice would they sometimes prefer to spend more time with their Dad? Maybe not every time but at their ages you should be giving them the opportunity to say what they would prefer

Frankly an 8 year old Family Court Order is well past its sell by date and a Court would acknowledge that. Do you really want your teens interviewed by CAFCASS to explain their wishes and feelings when, if you choose to do that impartially, you could find out.

It would help if you explained the circumstances of you not being available.

I do like a classic

OP - AIBU?

MN - yeah you kind of are

OP - no I'm not!!!!

why did you ask then??

Gosh you sound awful.

That’s a bit far

“Kids I’m working late tonight (or whatever reason you’re not around) do you want to go your nans or do you want me to see if your dad’s free?”

Them let them answer, it’s really not that deep

This has to be a reverse! "You ladies" agree?

Whatever, OP. Obviously if their dad wants to see them more often and they want to see him, then trying to stop that from happening is going to cause a lot of resentment.

The important thing is that you put the kids first and respect your ex too. Start by asking them and respecting their choices.

13 and 14 is still young to be home alone and without any adult supervision at all - having her mum sit in her house when she lives next door for a few ad hoc hours here and there is absolutely reasonable!

Having to give dad first refusal every single time would potentially mean much less time with grandmother and/or onerous planning of what might be a last minute change in plan!

At an 8 where they don't actually need childcare? Wonder if that's to prevent them popping round their dad's if she goes out and leaves them at home

Exactly my thoughts

He has a close loving relationship with them. He's a good father.
So the problem is ...?
Presumably with your mum next door they can see her often. And with their dad so close presumably there are not logistical issues in getting the teens to/from his place.
They should definitely have a choice as to who looks after them. Though I suspect you are unhappy and jealous of his good relationship with them.
If you are not prepared to recognise that the whole landscape has changed in the eight years as the teens have matured, it definitely needs to go back to court.

Wow.

I sort of hope this is a reverse. Because it’s not sitting well.

by all means OP, let a good father take you to court to ask the children’s opinion on a reasonable request EIGHT years after a court order. What’s your response going to be if they say, yeah mum so controlling I would rather live with dad and pop in to see her.

waste the money better spent on your children.

Or, put the kids first and sort yourself out.

” I am busy Saturday, are you free? Mum would love to make them a bacon roll but feel free to grab them and have a day together”

The OP asked for advice and didn't like the responses so she has scarpered.

He is asking for a formal change. which will presumably come in the form of more contact time.

Which could probably be avoided if the OP could be a bit more flexible and occasionally give him first refusal if she needs childcare. Seems a bit daft to not be flexible with this if the parents live close together and there are no concerns about his parenting.

If the grandma lives next door then she's available if there's an emergency when kids alone. I really don't think it's too long to stay at home ( obviously not a weekend or similar)

But you haven't asked them if they'd like more time with their dad.
Unless there's a huge back story that he's been abusive it doesn't seem a big ask.
You risk them finding out that you prevented more contact when he asked for it.

The dad already gets every other weekend and one weeknight which is all he presumably asked for!

Why should OP have to engage with him every time there’s an ad hoc situation where she needs to leave the kids and have him say yes/no before she can have her own mother watch the kids?!

Think of the grandparents and the fact OP’s mum might love to have them.

Ultimately, if Dad wanted more time, he would ask for a formal change to his current schedule!

The children should be given options.
However, it's also nice for them to be spending time with grandparents.
If I were in his shoes though, I would want to see them more.
I can understand that his idea might mean you have to liaise with or see him more and that might be hard or difficult or just a pita.
If the kids want to, can't they just see him an extra evening a week?

Maybe but if gran happy to just sit in the house next door instead of her own house surely that’s preferable to being a whole house away just in case!

lol only on MN is 13 and 14 young to be left at home at all.

Maybe you should let him take you back to court? I think it would be best to negotiate and consider the children’s best interests.
Are you concerned that a change will impact your maintenance payments?

But would they also be perfectly happy with their dad and would spending more time benefit their bond?

To be honest it is probably not worth him going to court - at 16 it’s more of a decision for the child. The 14 year old will soon be the same. I would like to think I could support this - and I have an ex who has prevented contact with my own children. It really takes a lot to be the bigger person for the kids. It’s not easy coparenting at all.

What a daft judgemental statement.

Meh

dads get a bad rep on here but some of the mothers….. WOW!

don’t like my thoughts? To be honest, I won’t lose any sleep over it

end of the day, kids come first… simple as 😘