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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask friend how she will repay

232 replies

BigMommasHouse · 12/02/2026 12:19

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
SendTheNextOneIn · 12/02/2026 12:26

How much have you loaned her over the years (and how long has this been going on?)

Do you have any agreements from her in writing confirming that the money would be paid back?

I’d certainly not be lending her a penny more.

ThatCyanCat · 12/02/2026 12:27

How much have you lent her? Not that it matters, she should repay.

cestlavielife · 12/02/2026 12:28

Never lend money like this unless you can afford for it not to be paid back.
Cut your friend and assume you will never see the money again

ChalkOrCheese · 12/02/2026 12:28

I'd give her a few days to calm down but tbh it smacks of her having no intention to repay. That would piss me off to the extent I'd be looking at what evidence I had to lodge a small claims court case but fuck her. Stupid cow for not keeping it to herself.

Manchestergal003 · 12/02/2026 12:28

You’ve made a huge mistake by letting her borrow money. Are you able to tell us how much? Are we talking a couple hundred or worse. If it’s a smaller amount I’d expect that paid first in one go before she books a holiday.

Never lend to someone in a terrible situation, because you’re almost guaranteed not to get it back. I bet you didn’t do a contract? You’ve tried to be kind but it has back fired.

Can you explain more “clearly a loan to be repaid” was it clear or did you just assume. Did you say you owe me this back. Or just assume she would.

You don’t have much of a leg to stand on if you don’t have evidence that it was a loan in writing.

She isn’t a friend.

If I was you I’d message her and say that you’ve been there for her and helped when can but now she is out the other side you do expect the money to be repaid.

Stickytoffeetartt · 12/02/2026 12:29

Omg she obviously thinks that you have gifted her this money, it doesn't sound like she has any intention of paying it back. She's a Cf. I would definitely not give her anymore money, you have no comeback unfortunately. Maybe tell her that your circumstances have changed and you need to start getting it back in instalments. Good luck

LadyKenya · 12/02/2026 12:29

How large a sum was it, that you lent her? How did you frame the loan, when you gave her the money?

JacquesHarlow · 12/02/2026 12:29

You can't expect to see a penny of this money back, @BigMommasHouse .

The issues that got her into debt with the institutions she owned money to, are the same issues which means she may struggle to repay you.

You were her safety net at times and this is to be lauded, but now I guess she doesn't want to reframe you as a creditor, which is exactly how she should be seeing you to keep the friendship.

I think for any of this to work, you would need her to start chipping away at it. £200 a year, £20 a month, whatever - but it needs to start now.

cestlavielife · 12/02/2026 12:29

And anyone with a job can ask employer for advance.

layingwoody · 12/02/2026 12:30

How much are we talking? Small amount - write the friendship off and call it a lesson. Large amount - push for it back she’s a CF.

TokyoSushi · 12/02/2026 12:32

I think you're very unlikely to get this money back, unless it's a very small amount that's fairly easily repayable. Only you can decide if you want to continue with the friendship or not, but certainly don't lend any more.

shhblackbag · 12/02/2026 12:35

She never intended to pay you back. A user. Decide if you still want to be used/be her friend, because you're unlikely to see any of the money again.

FuzzyWolf · 12/02/2026 12:35

I suspect you won’t see this money again and the friendship won’t last either. Unless it’s a significant amount, that you have evidence of being a loan with repayment intended, I think you will have to write it off as a lesson learned.

MyTrivia · 12/02/2026 12:36

Of course you’re not unreasonable to expect her to pay you back.

Did you make it clear that it was a loan and not a gift? And how much was it?

It’s not acceptable for her to prioritise holidays and new carpets before paying you back. And from her response it sounds like she never had any intention of paying you back.

Never a borrower or a lender be…

TenderChicken · 12/02/2026 12:37

From her response, it's clear she has no intention of paying you back.

This will likely be the end of your friendship, sorry OP.

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 12/02/2026 12:37

SendTheNextOneIn · 12/02/2026 12:26

How much have you loaned her over the years (and how long has this been going on?)

Do you have any agreements from her in writing confirming that the money would be paid back?

I’d certainly not be lending her a penny more.

This

QuickPeachPoet · 12/02/2026 12:38

The friendship is over
She is a CF. Booking holidays and buying crap when she owes you, then having the audacity to act all offended?
You won't see the money again. But at least you won't have to see her again neither.

So sorry OP. What a betrayal.

stargirl27 · 12/02/2026 12:39

How cheeky! As others have said, she is not your friend.

Dragonflytamer · 12/02/2026 12:41

She's a cheeky fucker not a friend. Take her to the small claims court to get the Monday back. If she can afford to go on holiday she can afford to pay you back something.

LittleLapwing · 12/02/2026 12:42

I’m going to come at this from another angle.

I’ve lent money to friends before when they were struggling, but never expected it back.

It is hard being on your own. This may be the first time in a long time she’s been able to do anything for herself, and she’s been hit with an unexpected (for her) bill.

So much here depends on the circumstances:

  • how much money?
  • was it always explicitly stated, with timelines, that it was an official loan and not a gift?
  • how much money has she come into? A months overtime allowing a weekend at Haven and some new cushions for the sitting room? Or a 2 week ski trip and a new car?

If I’d given money to a friend when they were down, I’d never come out of the woodwork demanding it back as soon as they got both feet back on stable ground.

veryposhlol · 12/02/2026 12:44

She will not pay you back
Never had any intention to do so

nomas · 12/02/2026 12:46

I would be telling her that she needs to pay you back the money you lent her instead if booking the holiday.

She is taking the piss out of you, OP.

Meadowfinch · 12/02/2026 12:47

It seems she thought you weren't expecting repayment. Now she knows you are, she can plan her future overtime to repay you.

I suggest you go back with a sensible suggested repayment plan - maybe split the debt over 12 equal monthly payments.

FrankSinatraonToast · 12/02/2026 12:48

LittleLapwing · 12/02/2026 12:42

I’m going to come at this from another angle.

I’ve lent money to friends before when they were struggling, but never expected it back.

It is hard being on your own. This may be the first time in a long time she’s been able to do anything for herself, and she’s been hit with an unexpected (for her) bill.

So much here depends on the circumstances:

  • how much money?
  • was it always explicitly stated, with timelines, that it was an official loan and not a gift?
  • how much money has she come into? A months overtime allowing a weekend at Haven and some new cushions for the sitting room? Or a 2 week ski trip and a new car?

If I’d given money to a friend when they were down, I’d never come out of the woodwork demanding it back as soon as they got both feet back on stable ground.

"Come out of the woodwork"? Are you for real?!

shhblackbag · 12/02/2026 12:50

LittleLapwing · 12/02/2026 12:42

I’m going to come at this from another angle.

I’ve lent money to friends before when they were struggling, but never expected it back.

It is hard being on your own. This may be the first time in a long time she’s been able to do anything for herself, and she’s been hit with an unexpected (for her) bill.

So much here depends on the circumstances:

  • how much money?
  • was it always explicitly stated, with timelines, that it was an official loan and not a gift?
  • how much money has she come into? A months overtime allowing a weekend at Haven and some new cushions for the sitting room? Or a 2 week ski trip and a new car?

If I’d given money to a friend when they were down, I’d never come out of the woodwork demanding it back as soon as they got both feet back on stable ground.

Being asked how you plan to pay money back you have borrowed should not be a surprise or an unexpected bill. OP didn't ask for all the money then and there.

She shouldn't have to, anyway. The friend should have paid back what she could now afford and made a plan for the rest. But she wasn't ever a friend, it seems.