To ask friend how she will repay

[BigMommasHouse]

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

Like to see you doing that in the NHS 😂

As soon as you lent her the money it was gone never to return. I'd kiss it goodbye. I very much doubt she has any intention of paying it back. Dont lend her anything ever again.

I want to know why you haven't responded to any of the questions or comments.

Since she has made efforts to sort out her other debts and make them manageable, and has on the back of that felt secure enough to buy new carpets and book a holiday I think I am right in saying that she doesn’t think she owes you any money and clearly, since you haven’t mentioned it before, thinks you generously helped her out when she was desperate by gifting you money. Hard lesson. Don’t lend money you can’t afford to say goodbye to forever gift.

As a friend who was blessed to have had money loaned to me at a difficult time I started to pay back as much as I could every month immediately.

For a while it was only £20 pm, with an apology, but then as I tried to sort myself out I would transfer more. Showing willing and even doing it bit by bit shows gratitude, something your friend seems to be lacking.

If anyone has been kind enough to lend you money then it's human decency to repay it. You value the kindness, something you should want to do, whether they have asked for it or not.

I had a friend call me in tears needing money for food and fuel, I gave her more than she needed to see her through and saw it as a gift and told her as much. I knew she won’t be in a position to give it me back anytime soon and I didn’t want a loan to hang between us.

I don’t know how much you gave her, but can this be a gift? If not I hope that repayments were discussed at the time of giving.

Fake post ….

Her reaction is outrageous!
She should never have put you in the position that you had to ask what the plan was to pay you back.
I am amazed she had the gaul to say she would have to go for a walk etc!
The amount isn’t really important, it’s your money, end of, if it’s a few hundred she should be able to pay it back quite quickly, if it’s in the thousands, did she really think you’d wrote it off??
Let the dust settle and give it a week or two to come up with a payment plan, otherwise bring it up again.
If your friendship ends cos of this, it ends, you’re more of a loss to her than she is to you.

Really pisses me off when they make out you are the rude on for having the nerve to ask for the money back. It really does stink when people get all defensive on you. I would have been mortified and said "I will work out a payment plan" and...sorry for the delay in getting your money back to you.

Omg

I am thinking the same, to not check in on response is odd

You’ve lent money to someone who has executive functioning problems. She likely had the opportunity to avoid this debt but didn’t know how. You fell for her rubbish about why she was in debt (you repeat it here). She realised it worked and kept up the pretence to justify getting into more debt and you lending again.

she has terrible impulsivity. No forward planning. Her brain ignores long term consequences.

shes now emotionally abusing you with the avoidance of responsibility.

i have been where you are and I learned the hard way.

the fact that she’s buying stuff for her house and booking a holiday says it all.

But getting the money back wouldn't make it ok with me - I'd need to communicate that I was annoyed she made me chase her and then guilted me about that too

A terrible shock for you to reasonably ask for a plan for her to repay a loan whilst shes booking holidays. Shes mugging you off

‘Come out of the woodwork’ ? Like she’s an insect?
She tried to do something to help a friend. She has every right to ask for her money back. If the friend in need’ is on her feet. It should have been , her first priority to pay her dues. Not book a holiday!! Who cares if she needs something for herself. The original poster didn’t think that way when she loaned her the money. More’s the pity.

You have a problem with this one OP. You have no proof that you gave her the money,no point in a Claims court case. They wouldn’t entertain it unless you had a signed contract with your one time friend. It’s the quickest way to lose a friend is loaning money. I hope she does the right thing by you. If not write it off and her too. I’m afraid she’s a ‘leech’

Just as the money has gone never to be seen again, so has the OP ?????!!!!!!

You’ll never get it back.

Sounds like she was hoping you'd have forgotten or at least let it slide.

I guess it depends on how much and what the discussions were at the time you gave it her. Did she think it was a gift or was she aware it was a loan? Anyone with any self respect would be offering to pay it back but some people are CFs.

I’ve been on both sides of this. To all those people saying you should never lend money regardless of the circumstances, that is really cold! I fallen on hard times a couple of times. It’s not always down to being irresponsible.

If friends and family hadn’t helped me during those times I don’t know what I would have done and I’m incredibly grateful that they helped. I did pay it all back. Your friend should have never assumed it was a gift unless you stated it was. I mean, why would it be? I don’t blame her for treating herself if her financial situation has improved but she should have still come to you first and said she wanted to set up a payment arrangement. Times are so hard for everyone so I really don’t blame her as we all need to boost our mental health in some way or another. I’ve had friends take the piss when I’ve lent them money. When they’ve been struggling, I’ve let it go.

Now though I will only lend up to £300. They can’t borrow again unless they pay back that money.

She doesn’t plan to repay it.

It shows to me when someone does something like this where their priorities lie. Obviously not in paying someone back. And with themselves for treats. Would they do this or be able to do this with a bank, no!

Unfortunately I've been done over when I've lent money to 'friends' and then requested repayment. You tend to lose the money and the 'friend'. Only lend what you can afford to lose and don't assume people have the same standards as yourself. After quite a few burnt fingers I only lend to my best friend (who has assets but poor liquidity) and one family member. Sad but true.