To ask friend how she will repay

[BigMommasHouse]

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

She's not paying you back. Trying to shut you down when you asked for some of your money back makes that clear. You might have to write the cash off and cut her loose as a 'friend.'

I have a couple of rules I've never broken in 50+ years. Never lend money to friends. Never rent my properties to friends. It clouds judgement over where the line is drawn . . .

I agree with others in that you either write it off, if it's a small enough amount or you come back to her with a payment plan. Ignore all the emotional blackmail completely. Message something like, "Thinking about the loan going forward, I suggest X amount every month. Here are my bank details." If she comes back with more about being shocked and upset just be cool with her. "I appreciate it's difficult for you but unfortunately I'm not in a financial position to gift anyone large sums of money and would appreciate setting up the repayments ASAP."

"come out of the woodwork" 🙄 What an unpleasant and inaccurate phrase.

The OP might need that money now and even if it's just to bring her back to where she was before she loaned the money it's still OK to establish that that's going to happen in an acceptable time frame which is all the OP was asking. To imply that she's somehow being mean for doing that is totally, totally unfair.

She is a cheeky cow! She never intended to pay you back

Please dont be apologetic when you get in touch again. She wants you to feel guilty.

I agree if its as simple as this and not the friend having intentionally used op.

Are you going to tell us how much, how often, under what circumstances? Did you get anything in writing?

It is unlikely you'll ever get it back and you haven't given enough details to know if it was even clear enough it was meant to be a loan. And with no terms arranged at the time she technically has forever to pay it back legally. If it stood up legally in the first place.

I absolutely hate this - people who ask you to "lend" them money when they actually mean "give". Then get all indignant when the lender asks for the money back.

I don't have a heart of stone and if a friend was really in need I would consider giving them money. But being told they were only "borrowing" and it turning out that they never intended to pay is really shoddy behaviour.

Why is she cross about it? You should be! She owes you money, she lied about her intentions and now she's getting shitty with you. CF!

She thought you were giving it to her. It’s up to you what you do with that information.

It is not a mean thing to want money back ,but if this friend is trying to get ahead in life and at the 1st chance of that, is asked for money back its not kind is it to ask it back straight away as if her hard work and friendship doesnt deserve a break and some joy...

I agree, the nature of your first contact after her hissy fit is important - just keep it fairly unemotional "So, have you had time to think about a repayment amount?"

If she'd genuinely thought OP had given her the money she would have said that and tried to work out what the way forward was, not got "upset" and hinted about it damaging their friendship. The latter is simply emotional manipulation trying to get OP to "spontaneously" agree that they don't have to pay it back.
That's not the way friends behave.

Can I say something controversial ..

if you knew she was hugely in debt and on a very low income - it was irresponsible of you to lend her money you would need back without a clear plan that was affordable for her.

Just like a pay day lender! or bank - it is irresonsible to allow people to build up debt they can't afford

maybe after years of stress she needs a holiday?

And again 🙄 the OP specifically says. "I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once."

I wouldn't lend someone money and say pay it back when you can. Too easy for people to interpret it as a gift. I think your friend did, hence the being upset when you asked for it back.

Friends in this position are generally too proud to accept a gift, so yes I’ve ‘lent’ it but never expected to see it again. Single friend, struggling…they’re unlikely to pay back without difficulty and the main reason for doing it is because I want to to help them.

OP passed this money to her friend YEARS ago to get her out of trouble. Now as soon as the friend can book a holiday years later, she’s asking for it back. The friend’s state of shock is probably genuine; she probably (fairly!) thought her friend was helping her out, given this occurred years ago and presumably hasn’t been mentioned since.

To me it smacks of the OPs principle that her friend shouldnt have a holiday, which I think is unkind. Rather than that she’s desperate for the money.

I’m not surprised the friend is shocked and needs time to think.

This is more than likely going to be a cheap ish holiday that she’s put loads of overtime in for, and would likely now need to cancel so that OP can have the pound of flesh she hasn’t mentioned in years.

Yes OP, what were you thinking?? It's clearly all your fault for helping, fancy putting her in that position, how dare you! 😂

Does she have any other friends? If not maybe this is the reason.

You have not done anything wrong in asking her.

Oof. She should definitely be prioritising repaying loans and debts before holidays and carpets (which I'd guess is maybe on credit anyway). If I'd been her, I would've been so embarrassed and gone "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, of course I need to pay you back, I just got so excited that I had a bit more money coming in." And then work out a payment plan with a standing order.

I had a loan from a family member years ago for an emergency thing we didn't have enough savings for (think hole in roof, wall collapse, that kind of thing) and immediately I set up a standing order for how much I could afford to give back each month.

If you've already asked her nicely, I think it's fair to send her an email or message that says something like

"I'm so glad you're doing better now than you were and I was happy to help you out when you needed it. It was a loan to help you out until you were able to pay it back. Please can you set up a standing order to (insert your bank details) for £50 a month until (insert date) when it'll all be paid off. Let me know if you'd rather pay it off quicker. Love x"

Rise above, be the better person, but also make it clear that she will be paying you back.

What isn’t kind is buying stuff you don’t need and booking holidays before paying back a friend who kindly helped you out of a tough spot with a loan and acting like the victim when she brings it up.

Men don’t play these stupid games. Kind can do one.

👏

It doesn’t sound like she had any intention of ever paying you back. Don’t lend her any money ever again no matter what the sob story is - she has just proven that she has the means to get extra money by working overtime. Next time she needs money she can do this or get a second job.

YANBU, when did you last ask her about this money? How much is it? Maybe she thought you had let it go if it’s been a while, cheeky as that is

Never lend money you can’t afford to lose.