Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend how she will repay

232 replies

BigMommasHouse · 12/02/2026 12:19

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Newyearawaits · 12/02/2026 14:48

BoredZelda · 12/02/2026 12:56

I agree with this. The first issue was lending money with no clear plan of how/when you would get it back. That’s no help to anyone. To come along “years” after and start asking about payment, to her it’s out of the blue and was always going to be problematic. Because it has been so long, I assume you aren’t missing the money and it’s about some kind of principle, that would be an issue for me. If I had a friend who was on their uppers, the money would be a gift.

She might be a MN favourite “CF” or, she might now feel embarrassed and upset about a “friend” doing this out of the blue. Your choice is to either accept you won’t get it back and possibly retain the friendship, or keep insisting she pays it back and end the friendship. Neither of you will see the other in the same way again.

Show quote history

This
Also OP, if you are financially secure with disposable income ( just a chance), I wouldn't expect it to be repayed. But if you aren't in that position, you have every right to expect a payment plan

Maia77 · 12/02/2026 14:50

Cut your losses (unless is a substantial amount) and don't lend her any more money obviously.

TheBlueKoala · 12/02/2026 14:54

Weird. I wouldn't be friends with the type of person who has so little morals that she pays for luxuries before repaying a loan to a friend. Sorry @BigMommasHouse but I think you will never see your money and I hope you reconsider calling this person a "friend".

Happyjoe · 12/02/2026 14:56

Ah, sorry OP. People don't tend to pay back money. Only 'lend' what you can afford to give.
The way she turned it against you by going for a walk and threatening her falling out is more than enough to show me she isn't a good friend. I doubt you will see the money and she may just well pull back on contact. Argh, people like this annoy me so much, repaying decency with shit.

noidea69 · 12/02/2026 14:56

She was never planning to pay it back.

Only lend me if you are ok with not getting it back.

ItsTimeToChang3 · 12/02/2026 15:06

Sorry pressed the wrong option you are not unreasonable

Viviennemary · 12/02/2026 15:07

She is a cheeky sponger. Why do these folk always make out it's somebody else's fault. She's the one in the wrong.

godmum56 · 12/02/2026 15:10

OP I don't think you were unreasonable to want your money back or to ask for it. I do think you were unreasonable to lend it in the first place and expect to get it back. Sorry but there you go.

Pedallleur · 12/02/2026 15:12

Your money was a gift. The gift kept on giving. Everyone on MN knows this and you should never expect it to be paid back without something legal written down which makes you look like a CF. In short your money has gone.

Zucker · 12/02/2026 15:14

Cheeky fucker had no intention to pay it back. The cheek of her to imply you had done something wrong by asking. Needing to go for a walk, didn't want an argument!!
Guess she can't afford that holiday anymore.

IdentityCris · 12/02/2026 15:14

Stickytoffeetartt · 12/02/2026 12:29

Omg she obviously thinks that you have gifted her this money, it doesn't sound like she has any intention of paying it back. She's a Cf. I would definitely not give her anymore money, you have no comeback unfortunately. Maybe tell her that your circumstances have changed and you need to start getting it back in instalments. Good luck

Edited

How can she think OP gave her the money unless OP expressly said "It's a present, I don't expect to be paid back"? She chooses to say that is what she thought, but I doubt she ever really did.

Most people would prioritise paying back friends, and indeed would certainly do that with spare money before booking a holiday. She is simply a CF and it needs to be made clear to her that she is not going to get away with it. I think my response would be along the lines of "Nice try, but you're not shocked, are you? You always knew this was a loan. I'm only asking you for a realistic repayment plan, if you let me know by Saturday that will be fine."

itsthetea · 12/02/2026 15:21

This exact same question crops up time and again

People who expect something for nothing are also the sort that often end up in financial trouble - people who ask for a loan are the sort you should be least likely to lend to

I would say the money and friendship are lost

bevm72yellow · 12/02/2026 15:22

The friendship has been on her terms and now appears offended to put you off from asking for it back. Backlash as such. Dont apologise for asking for it back, give long quiet pauses to allow her to deal with the silence in conversations. Dont listen to excuses or sob story...just say " that may be so but a loan is a loan" What a CF she is.

PinkyFlamingo · 12/02/2026 15:24

You will never see the money sorry. There will be excuse after excuse. So I would cut your losses you're better off without this so called friend

G5000 · 12/02/2026 15:25

Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

How was this communicated? Seems it was only clear to you, and she understood that as you haven't asked for your money for several years now, she can consider it a gift.

andthatwasrhatthen · 12/02/2026 15:27

£100 just leave it and decide if you want to be friends or not

anything more

tell her a weekly or monthly pay off please. If yes still decide if you want to be friends with her and if not sack her off immediately

crosstalk · 12/02/2026 15:27

OP, I wouldn't give up hope. I reckon the same attitude to money that got her into trouble in the first place is what caused her shocked reaction to you. She automatically thinks money is to spend (hence holiday, furnishings) not to save, bank or pay back. Try her again and just say that you had earmarked that money for various things and would like her to pay you back - in regular instalments if she can't do it all at once. If she demurs, say you'd rather not have to go for a CCJ.

KaleidoscopeSmile · 12/02/2026 15:27

LittleLapwing · 12/02/2026 13:39

Friends in this position are generally too proud to accept a gift, so yes I’ve ‘lent’ it but never expected to see it again. Single friend, struggling…they’re unlikely to pay back without difficulty and the main reason for doing it is because I want to to help them.

OP passed this money to her friend YEARS ago to get her out of trouble. Now as soon as the friend can book a holiday years later, she’s asking for it back. The friend’s state of shock is probably genuine; she probably (fairly!) thought her friend was helping her out, given this occurred years ago and presumably hasn’t been mentioned since.

To me it smacks of the OPs principle that her friend shouldnt have a holiday, which I think is unkind. Rather than that she’s desperate for the money.

I’m not surprised the friend is shocked and needs time to think.

This is more than likely going to be a cheap ish holiday that she’s put loads of overtime in for, and would likely now need to cancel so that OP can have the pound of flesh she hasn’t mentioned in years.

Show quote history

Don't make things up to make OP sound unreasonable and you more saintly than you think you are. She didn't say "YEARS ago" she said "over the last few years", which sounds more like a continuing issue.

And there's nothing "proud" about friends who take money from you without ever intending to pay it back but won't allow you to call it the gift that it is.

beethecrackon24995 · 12/02/2026 15:34

Total CF of the first order, sorry OP. I think she didn't think she'd have to pay it back tbh. If you do someone a favour by lending them something YOU shouldn't have to be the one following it up.

BoredZelda · 12/02/2026 15:34

KaleidoscopeSmile · 12/02/2026 15:27

Don't make things up to make OP sound unreasonable and you more saintly than you think you are. She didn't say "YEARS ago" she said "over the last few years", which sounds more like a continuing issue.

And there's nothing "proud" about friends who take money from you without ever intending to pay it back but won't allow you to call it the gift that it is.

Show quote history

Over the last few years, is still years ago. If I lent someone £100 quid 3 years ago and said absolutely nothing about it since, it would be unreasonable for me to ask when I was getting it back.

Coconutter24 · 12/02/2026 15:34

Enrichetta · 12/02/2026 14:40

It is not at all clear whether it was made clear that it was a series of loans.

@BigMommasHouse - can you answer the questions that have been repeatedly asked by many people who responded to your post?

Show quote history

Whilst I understand it’s not been made clear if the money was given or loaned my comment is based from the lenders point of view who knew she was loaning the money and not gifting it

myfriendsellshouses · 12/02/2026 15:34

YANBU. You need to say "Hi Friend, I am sorry that you were upset when I asked about you repaying me, it's just it looked like you had come into some money with all your spending, and I wondered when you would be able to repay me. I did make it clear it was a loan not a gift. The total is X amount, shall we say £100 a month? << insert accurate figure.

AdaDex · 12/02/2026 15:35

People who have no money/savings have spent every penny that has ever passed through their hands. This is what they will also do with your money.

If the bank won't lend them money then neither should you, they know something you don't.

IsawwhatIsaw · 12/02/2026 15:37

G5000 · 12/02/2026 15:25

Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

How was this communicated? Seems it was only clear to you, and she understood that as you haven't asked for your money for several years now, she can consider it a gift.

Agree with this. Whether gift or loan, it all sounds rather vague. I don’t see you getting the money back .

Lornacranium · 12/02/2026 15:46

FrankSinatraonToast · 12/02/2026 12:48

"Come out of the woodwork"? Are you for real?!

Show quote history

I think this is a fair point. If your friend has been having a tough time, maybe - just maybe - she hasn’t been able to ‘treat’ herself for a long time. You are completely in the right of course and your friend is being thoughtless but maybe with hindsight she could have had her ‘moment’ and you could have gone back to her the next day with a message to the effect that you are pleased she is getting back on her feet and maybe we could agree a repayment plan over a glass of wine? If she doesn’t like this it is on her but the conversation, whatever the outcome one, needs to be had otherwise you are both going to resent each other anyway.