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Original poster

To ask friend how she will repay

232 replies

BigMommasHouse · 12/02/2026 12:19

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Loveapineapplepizzame · 12/02/2026 12:50

Exactly how much in total have you loaned to her? Could you break it into monthly installments?

Ive learnt to not loan money out unless Im happy to never see it again. Lent a significant amount of money to a friend, she said it would be paid back in full the following month, it wasn’t. Took literally months of asking and in the meantime our circumstances changed and we really needed it. I actually had to go into debt myself until it was repaid. But she seemingly had enough money for ‘treats’ for herself

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/02/2026 12:51

You don't need to cut her off. I suspect she will be cutting you off very very soon.

She might well feel guilty about it, but she doesn't WANT to pay you back. So even if she does it will be with very bad grace and a sense of heavy obligation ("you MADE me pay it back"). So I suspect she will break your relationship, possibly sooner rather than later (ie, before paying anything back).

MrsJeanLuc · 12/02/2026 12:52

If I’d given money to a friend when they were down, I’d never come out of the woodwork demanding it back as soon as they got both feet back on stable ground.

This is the thing isn't it. Never loan money to a friend that you can't afford to write off.

However, we are where we are. @BigMommasHouse it rather depends how much money we're talking about and how badly you need it back. Can you afford to write it off? And if you do, would you still want to continue the friendship? Or you can keep asking, perhaps ask her to repay you a small amount (£20?) a month?

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 12/02/2026 12:53

The trouble is, if you have loaned her this money with nothing in writing (email/Whatsapp) to indicate that the money is a loan.....you're going to have to rely on her goodwill and morals to repay it

If she THOUGHT it was a gift or is CHOOSING to think that it was a gift and there's nothing in writing to prove that it was a loan, then she doesn't have to pay it back unless she finds her moral compass

Manchestergal003 · 12/02/2026 12:55

LittleLapwing · 12/02/2026 12:42

I’m going to come at this from another angle.

I’ve lent money to friends before when they were struggling, but never expected it back.

It is hard being on your own. This may be the first time in a long time she’s been able to do anything for herself, and she’s been hit with an unexpected (for her) bill.

So much here depends on the circumstances:

  • how much money?
  • was it always explicitly stated, with timelines, that it was an official loan and not a gift?
  • how much money has she come into? A months overtime allowing a weekend at Haven and some new cushions for the sitting room? Or a 2 week ski trip and a new car?

If I’d given money to a friend when they were down, I’d never come out of the woodwork demanding it back as soon as they got both feet back on stable ground.

OP has made a mistake becuase she obviously wanted the money back and we are waiting for OP to reply to get the full story, did she make it clear it was a loan?

You were obviously in a position to “gift” a friend money - this is not the same scenario so your angle doesn’t work here

BoredZelda · 12/02/2026 12:56

LittleLapwing · 12/02/2026 12:42

I’m going to come at this from another angle.

I’ve lent money to friends before when they were struggling, but never expected it back.

It is hard being on your own. This may be the first time in a long time she’s been able to do anything for herself, and she’s been hit with an unexpected (for her) bill.

So much here depends on the circumstances:

  • how much money?
  • was it always explicitly stated, with timelines, that it was an official loan and not a gift?
  • how much money has she come into? A months overtime allowing a weekend at Haven and some new cushions for the sitting room? Or a 2 week ski trip and a new car?

If I’d given money to a friend when they were down, I’d never come out of the woodwork demanding it back as soon as they got both feet back on stable ground.

I agree with this. The first issue was lending money with no clear plan of how/when you would get it back. That’s no help to anyone. To come along “years” after and start asking about payment, to her it’s out of the blue and was always going to be problematic. Because it has been so long, I assume you aren’t missing the money and it’s about some kind of principle, that would be an issue for me. If I had a friend who was on their uppers, the money would be a gift.

She might be a MN favourite “CF” or, she might now feel embarrassed and upset about a “friend” doing this out of the blue. Your choice is to either accept you won’t get it back and possibly retain the friendship, or keep insisting she pays it back and end the friendship. Neither of you will see the other in the same way again.

kiwiane · 12/02/2026 12:57

She’s trying to shut you down; you may as well give her the details of how much she owes you in writing and ask for her repayment plan again.
I doubt you’ll see it returned or remain friends but hopefully that means you don’t see her splurge on holidays etc. I agree it’s best not to lend money in the first place, never lend her money again.

SilverPink · 12/02/2026 12:57

shhblackbag · 12/02/2026 12:35

She never intended to pay you back. A user. Decide if you still want to be used/be her friend, because you're unlikely to see any of the money again.

This.

canisquaeso · 12/02/2026 12:57

Your friend fleeced you, but you should have also requested something more specific than “when she can”.

Also pets are a luxury, if you can’t afford them you can’t have them.

rainbowstardrops · 12/02/2026 12:59

Hmm, you’ll either never see the money, or she’ll drop you as a friend if she does reluctantly pay.
Were you totally clear that the money were loans?

Bjorkdidit · 12/02/2026 13:01

Oh FFS whether she intended to pay back the OP or not she will have certainly given that impression when she asked to borrow it.

The words borrow and/or lend will have been used along with a promise to pay the money back.

What she won't have said is 'give me some money to get me out of a financial hole and as soon as I get back on my feet I'm going to spend spend spend on holidays and house plants' and be all guilt trippy and sulky when the OP suggested she start to repay.

The 'friend' is a cheeky fucker.

InBedBy10 · 12/02/2026 13:01

You are being unreasonable to have lent her money without a firm repayment plan. Saying she can pay back when she 'could' is too vague. From the sounds of it she's a disaster financially and probably will never be able to pay you back.

Yes, she shouldn't be going on holiday while in debt but you knew she was financially irresponsible when you gave her the money.

Don't give her another penny, no matter how sad her story is.

HoppityBun · 12/02/2026 13:03

Mmmm. You could perhaps say that you are concerned- always a good word- by her reaction and ask her if she is expecting you to just give her the money?

Silvers11 · 12/02/2026 13:05

@BigMommasHouse As others have asked, did you make it absolutely clear when you loaned her the money ( every time) that you did expect it to be repaid when she was on her feet again, or did you just assume that it would be repaid?

If the former, then she is a CF. If the latter, then she probably thought it was a gift and as others have said, it wasn't wise of you to give her any cash without being prepared to not get any of it back, even if she knew you were expecting to be repaid. She will be upset to have been hit with your request if she thought it was a gift.

Looks like you have lost a friend, I'm sorry to say, either way

AllAbouttYou · 12/02/2026 13:06

She's manipulating you. She shouldn't be shocked that you've asked about the money she knows she owes you. She shouldn't be threatening your friendship with it.

HannahMarin · 12/02/2026 13:06

Do you have a list of dates & amounts?

I would present this to her and say something along the lines of I've lent you X over X period and I have always been happy to help out when you really needed, however, I thought we both knew it was a loan and not a gift. I am unfortunately not in the position to gift you this amount, and do require paying back, however, I am happy to come up with a payment plan so it's not a big hit in one.

...and never lend her money again. Also, be prepared to not get your money back and loose a friend if she refuses.

Figcherry · 12/02/2026 13:06

She’s not going to pay you.
And you’re the bad person for reminding her of the debt.

I have lent money to a family member. I wrote down the loan and payment plan and we both signed it.
My reasoning is if you went to a bank you would have to sign for a loan.

Having a proper plan written down makes the borrower more likely to honour the
agreement.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/02/2026 13:06

I would be prepared for the friendship to be over if she tries to carry on with the emotional manipulation.

I'd say to her that of course you don't want to fall out either which is why you've put off mentioning it while she was getting back on her feet. But now she seems to be doing better you thought it was best to discuss it, since you've always had an open and honest relationship. And reiterate that you haven't asked for it all back immediately but would like to understand what the plan is so that you can plan your own finances, which you don't think is unreasonable.

somanychristmaslights · 12/02/2026 13:06

I think you have to be prepared to not see any of that money again. Do you have evidence it was a loan, messages etc?

InveterateWineDrinker · 12/02/2026 13:07

I think you need to accept that you have probably lost the money, the friendship, or both.

Someone who organised a holiday while owing me money wouldn't be a friend for long.

HoppityBun · 12/02/2026 13:08

LittleLapwing · 12/02/2026 12:42

I’m going to come at this from another angle.

I’ve lent money to friends before when they were struggling, but never expected it back.

It is hard being on your own. This may be the first time in a long time she’s been able to do anything for herself, and she’s been hit with an unexpected (for her) bill.

So much here depends on the circumstances:

  • how much money?
  • was it always explicitly stated, with timelines, that it was an official loan and not a gift?
  • how much money has she come into? A months overtime allowing a weekend at Haven and some new cushions for the sitting room? Or a 2 week ski trip and a new car?

If I’d given money to a friend when they were down, I’d never come out of the woodwork demanding it back as soon as they got both feet back on stable ground.

This post is confusing: “I’ve lent money to friends but never expected it back”. Then it was a gift, not a loan and you could afford that.

Then ”If I’d given money to friends… I’d never come out of the woodwork demanding it back as soon as they got both feet back on stable ground”. If you’ve given them money then you’ve no business ever demanding it back. It’s a gift: it’s theirs.

RichardOnslowRoper · 12/02/2026 13:09

This is exactly what happened to me with a friend. I lent her money because her business collapsed. The next thing I know, she's off on a luxury holiday.
I did get the money back, but it took some 4 years. No interest. Destroyed our friendship. Will never lend money again.

Needspaceforlego · 12/02/2026 13:10

cestlavielife · 12/02/2026 12:29

And anyone with a job can ask employer for advance.

Most employers will say no, out with special circumstances like starting and needing money before pay day, if you've just started.

Bollihobs · 12/02/2026 13:16

"I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom."

I think this is the line you go back to her with, in person or by text if she's now avoiding you.

It's great that she's becoming solvent again but debts need to be settled. That's not greedy or inappropriate, that's just fair.

And if you get the "is this amount worth losing our friendship over...." tell her she's creating that situation not you. You only did a good thing, I'm sorry it's panned out like this.

MO0N · 12/02/2026 13:17

I'm sorry to say that you've been had @BigMommasHouse
You need some leverage. Can you trick her into lending you something reasonably valuable and then hold on to it for security until you get back what you've loaned her.

'I haven't demanded the money back'
I know you see this as you being kind and reasonable but she looks at you and she sees a soft touch. She knows that she can ignore you and fob you off and there's nothing you will do about it.
She's clearly a chaotic person who isn't capable of managing money... and you thought she'd come up with a plan for paying you back?
Come on, wise up girl!