To ask friend how she will repay

[BigMommasHouse]

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

She has absolutely no intention of paying you back, thought you’d just let it go and is now playing the victim because you want your own money back.

Of course she’s a CF. When you owe someone money you always pay it back before you start splashing the cash on holidays and cars. She couldn’t tell Barclays or whoever they were cheeky to ask for their loan back so why is it any different?

This.

I'm sorry to say this after the fact, but never lend, if you do, you need to assume it won't be repaid & regard it as a gift.

By your friend's response, I'd say that she had no intention of paying you back! When you lent her the money, did you make it very very clear that you were lending her the money, and expected her to pay you back? Or did you assume she'd realise the money has been lent to her, and therefore she needed to repay it?

Only you know what arrangements you made with your friend and how you framed lending her the money.

If you did make it clear the money is a loan and it is to be repaid, then you need to speak to your friend properly about her repaying it. If your arrangements were a bit flakey, then it may be difficult for you to now say you want the money to be repaid.

Lending money to anyone is never a good idea, regardless how desperate someone is. Don't lend money, that you can't afford to lose. Sadly, I don't think you'll see a penny of the money, and I'd be questioning the friendship.

She’s a CF who will be willing to fall out with you over this.
You’ve been a good friend (but a bit of a mug).
I’ll be amazed if you get a penny back.
You must speak to her again about a payment plan even if she acts all upset. If it was me I’d make sure I got my money back even if I had to kidnap the cat!!

So bloody annoying when the OP posts and then leaves and doesn't respond to any questions.....

I imagine that you had text exchanges discussing the money and if she uses the words “lend” or loan”, she clearly knew that they weren’t gifts.

I agree with PP’s to come up with a list of when/how much you lent her and say that you need to come up with a repayment plan. It’s great that she’s now out of financial difficulties, but if you didn’t give her the money, she needs to repay it.

And if she is not interested, and you have texts/bank statements as evidence, tell her you will have no choice but to go through the small claims court to reclaim it. She’s already put your friendship in jeopardy, so you aren’t losing anything.

SO annoying.

If you have evidence that it was a loan you can claim it back through the small claims court. Keep all your communication in writing from now on.

What you are looking for is, acknowledgement that it was a loan not a gift and evidence of her reluctance to pay it back or even to engage in negotiations.

So you could say something like, 'Even though it was a loan, I haven't expected you to pay it back immediately or in full, I just wanted to understand your plans going forward' or something like that.

Whatever she replies, as long as she doesn't say she thought it was a gift, you will have statements that support your case.

Jesus Christ

Great, but I disagree with both of your points

I disagree @BoredZelda. My FIL lent my SIL $30K. He didn’t nag her about repayment, but it was a loan that he documented in writing. She repaid him eight years later when she had the money.

A loan is a loan. 🤷

You were there for her when nobody else was and this is how she wants to repay you, by not repaying you at all.

That would be the friendship for me.

I would be looking at a small claims court, your not getting that money back otherwise.

You’re not unreasonable but it sounds like she had no plan to repay..,

Have you kept a record of when and how much?
Guessing you didn't agree a repayment plan.

You're not going to get a penny back unfortunately.

I would give her a little time to come round, but if she doesn't apologise for her first response quickly I would probably respond something along the lines of:

What do you mean you don't want to fall out? I leant you money when you needed it. Now you're back on your feet financially and I've asked what your plan is to repay it? And rather than thinking 'Oh yeah! I can start paying BigMommasHouse back now, brilliant! I'll come up with a schedule.' you think wow, she wants her money back, I don't think I like her any more?

She really needs a wake up call. You can't stay friends with her if she doesn't turn this around. Be very direct. Make it clear you are hurt. And if she doesn't come around issue a letter before action.

There is nothing wrong with lending good friends money if you can afford it. Most loans are paid back and people are grateful and often much better off because of it. But it does risk this sort of scenario and shows up some people you might have thought were better than are.

Her reaction absolutely stinks of somebody who has never intended to pay you back. Even if she was blindsided by your very sensible and low key request, her first instinct is to act like she's a victim and you're a terrible person for you even bringing this up.

Shes a CF.

This is why you don’t lend anyone money and actual friends wouldn’t take it anyway 🤷‍♀️

This.
You have been used.

This cheeky fucker sounds like my bil. Don't lend money.

Tbh all you can say to her is well, if you think me wanting you to pay back money you borrowed from me is unreasonable then I dont know what to say to you.

Then leave it. You likely won't get your money back and its probably best to chalk it up to experience and end the friendship.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

You already knew it was going to go this way when she was buying lots of 'wants' and planning a holiday ... whilst owing you money that went unmentioned.

stand firm. She thinks she'll guilt you into not pursuing the money she owes you. Don't let her. Suggest a payment plan firmly, in writing, so you have a record.

as pp have said give her a day or so to calm down and then ask (by text so you get a written response) for a repayment plan, if you are feeling generous you could say you don't need it paying off in full all at once and suggest a period which is acceptable to you - eg £50 pcm over 2 years, reminding her that this is interest free.

If this fails, you could always print out this thread and show it to her