Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

I think you are either polite and direct (sorry let’s stop walking in together, we’d rather have a bit of mum and son quiet time etc.) until she gets the message and let the chips fall where they may. Or you play the longer game and avoid studiously for several weeks till she gets the idea.
Yes she might kick off but it’ll blow over eventually and you tough it out till it does knowing that you put your son first.

Tell her you're not willing to unsettle your DS's routine in order to keep her child happy.
Your priority is to your child who is now becoming anxious.
If she freaks, tough titty, regardless of who she or her DH is.

With respect, aren’t we talking about a two minute walk into school? Can’t you just all walk altogether and drop your son off. He isn’t obliged to stay with this boy once he goes through the door is he?

Oh gosh, this is a difficult one. I'd have to just tell her, whatever the repercussions, that my child was finding her child's attention quite overwhelming. Your job is to protect your child from feeling uncomfortable, not propping up hers. And I say this as a parent to a child who has often struggled with the school threshold and been fortunate to have friends who have helped her. Difference is they did so willingly, because they were her friend.

Honestly, unless you speak plainly to this woman, nothing will change.

At this point I think you really need to let her know (without either DS present) that you won’t be walking together and that is final. She is effectively placing the needs of her child above everyone else including your own DS. As the previous poster suggests, explain you aren’t prepared to unsettle the routine. Your DS is your priority, no need to come up with any additional excuses. Sometimes it’s kinder be be more upfront and honest. Sounds like a nightmare though, I would find her dictating to me what me and DC do in our AM routine quite insulting.

Stop being such a wet lettuce. Just tell her, civilly but clearly, that your DS doesn’t want to go in with hers, and is struggling with the expectation that he does, and is starting to not like going to breakfast club. Your child isn’t her child’s support animal.

Yeah I re read the OP several times to see if I was missing something but that's the way it reads to me as well - as if they don't walk to school together literally just meet at the school gate and walk across the playground. In which case it does sound like a bit of a mountain/molehill.

If its really that much of an issue, half term is coming up soon, if there's any way you can not send ds to breakfast club for the few days after as well (you changing work hours slightly/asking a friend, grandparent or his dad if around to drop him) that should be enough to break the cycle and get Simon used to going in on his own or with some other kid.

Can you possibly go in earlier so you miss them? Or is there another route you could take? I assume from what you say you drive part way could you drive to the other side of the school and walk in that way and muss them?

otherwise it’s a direct talk with her, sorry but mt ds is getting upset about Simon being there when he wants a chat with me

I would go for deep empath lots of boundaries but brief. So every time a version of “sorry Simon, DS wants to walk just with me today. Have a nice walk” and to mum “I’m sure you understand how important routines are and changing ours has unsettled DS, so I won’t be able to walk alongside you. I know you’ll get it. Wishing you all the best” and versions of this with a friendly but brisk manor.

I'm also confused, reading your op it seems as though they're just walking in to school together and I can't see how that's an issue if it's literally walking across the playground/in to the school?

My eyebrows got a full work out whilst reading this! And then the kicker at the end!

yanbu I get how uncomfortable you must feel on behalf of your son. This woman sounds entitled tbh, you’ve made it clear how you feel and she’s using (whether intentionally or not) her power to get you to accept things

it sounds like they have to play together at breakfast club as well?

i feel for the boy, maybe he has no one else to play with? I agree with a pp who said I’d skip breakfast club for a few days after half term 😬

Just be blunt. My child is not your child's emotional support person.

Are you talking from the school gate to the front door?

Sorry, to be clear: the school is on a main road but next to a large park. We park at the bottom of the park so to avoid the main road and then walk through it to get to the school (most parents do the same). So it’s a 6-7 min walk to the school through a footpath and park before we get to the playground and school. She is waiting for us at the start of the footpath

I can’t get there any earlier as I have to drop DS2 at nursery which doesn’t open until 7.45

I don't understand... Are they waiting part way to school and you're all walking together for half an hour. Or are you parking at school and all walking in the entrance together?

If the first one then yanbu. If the second then I can't see the problem.

My thoughts exactly!

Can you send DH for a few weeks? Or be deliberately crap company like just talking about yourself non stop or always bringing sweets for her child?

It’s interesting all the responses assuming I just meant walking across the playground who have said despite my DS not wanting to, despite him being upset and telling me he doesn’t like the boy, and despite him now saying he doesn’t even want to go to breakfast club…I should just put up with it and it’s not a big deal?

Are there other kids who cut through that way? Could you meet up with more children at the entrance so it's not an intense 1:1 situation every day.

Honestly this is tricky - you can't really stop her from hovering around and it's not like a half hour of walking that would be pretty difficult. Could get your son a scooter so he just flies on ahead.

I’d look at parking elsewhere. This would annoy me too because she hasn’t respected your wishes.

Is it just walking in the door? For two minutes? You might have to tell your son to just Simon he doesn’t want to play with him

I would just say to her that it is making your son unhappy and you don’t want to walk in together.

Omg. I really feel for you. I have had experience of nightmare other mums (even the head teachers have been more organised less agreed).

If you can try and change routine. Or mix it up. Move away from what's app and say mornings are too hectic or you have forgotten your phone

For those saying be direct easier said than done. Some mum's don't get it and become nightmares and you have the head teachers child....

Good luck!

I think you go with as a PP said.. “sorry, but Jude is now unsettled walking in with Simon. Jude really does need to go in alone”.

I’m gobsmacked at her entitlement!

Id send another message saying please stop waiting for us then if they do it again be blunt. "We told you to stop waiting for us, we are not walking together."