Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

OP’s son wants to avoid the boy because he’s rough, walking with him every morning will be an alignment he doesn’t want.

Seriously, the head teacher’s wife has form for “kicking off” at other parents?

How is it a non issue if her son is upset and doesn’t want to go to breakfast club?

be kind is so damaging because it teaches kids to put their own feelings last

it needs to be caveated - be kind when you can but not at your own expense

and is not ultimately kinder for Simon to understand that his behaviour is causing his friendship issues so he can learn how to make friends? And why is OPs son being encouraged to ‘be kind’ when Simon isn’t kind in return?

I don't understand why people can't read the OP's posts where she explains the longevity of the walk.

But here we are 🙄

Why should OP and her son feel uncomfortable and awkward for the sake of a relative stranger.

Well I'm assuming he is kind on the walk because op hasn't said otherwise, also I don't know exactly what she means by "being rough", aren't most boys of that age? Assuming she doesn't mean he's being violently attacked on a daily basis.

I dont think you are being unreasonable. You have to do what's best for your son. Plus you have the WhatsApp exchange to back up the conversations if she does cause any drama.
But its odd her son is having problems going in given his dad is the headteacher. Really his parents should be working on his issues and not using your son as a quick fix .

I am facing a similiar situation, but have used it to teach my son about empathy and understanding of where the other child is coming from.
Perhaps if Simon had another child treat him as a friend he would stop being so disruptive? This was the case in our situation and my son actually became friends with the disruptive child and his behaviour settled. Unfortunately for him it is too late though as the rest of the class have taken a dislike to this child and similarly parents have intervened to have the child moved from sitting beside their children, he is not invited to parties etc. (except my sons)
I am not saying my son (or I) are angels, but surely we should be teaching our children about resilience and how life/people can be difficult and let them navigate these minor issues to seek a positive outcome.
I am posting about this now as we had our PT meeting this week and a lot of the information came to light and I have to say the other parents interfering has really rubbed me up the wrong way as it had a knock on affect on my son… which is a longer story… but really annoyed me how parents are becoming puppet masters of their children.

Teaching our DC empathy is one way of looking at it, but another is that you've taught your DS to become a people pleaser and to put himself in a situation that might not be for his benefit, all for the sake of "be kind". The friend clearly has deep rooted behavioural issues and the other parents sound rightly fed up of him. It's lovely your DS has now become his friend, but is at the expense of him being tarred with the same brush now?

A good messsge @OverheardBreakup and tweaked by @Clefable

simons needs don’t trump your son Trevor needs

sometime you have to be blunt

As a mum, you need to help your child to handle mild distress, not let them avoid all situations that might cause this.
6-7 minutes of walking with a child that will be at breakfast club with him anyway for at least half an hour is not a big deal and you need to demonstrate to your child that it is not the end of the world.
It will prepare him for sitting on a table with children he doesn't like and making the best of it.

Yep! Women have been told or expected for generations to ‘be kind’ as a way of saying ‘don’t rock the boat’, and then that gets passed that down instead of actually promoting assertiveness. I want my girls to be kind when they can but not at the expense of their own happiness and wellbeing. It is not unkind for someone to not want to spend time with someone they do not like and who makes them feel bad.

But why should OP and her son deviate from their lovely morning walk-and-talk across the park, which clearly matters to them both, to accommodate a child he doesn't get on with?

It's okay not to spent time with people we don't want to be around! As adults we lay down personal boundaries like that all the time. Why can't kids do that too?

Oh, your poor boy, having a kid thrust upon him. The head's wife has no idea about children or social graces, having not picked up on your hints.
If no avoidance methods work, hints don't work, I would tell the truth. That your little love is no longer wanting to go to brekkie club and is starting to get upset by it all, your chats and a boy he doesn't like.

Are children allowed to say to other children 'i dont like you leave me alone.' in school?

I mean if this child is bothering your child surely him is allowed to say that? Or just 'leave me alone'. Cause it seems this child thinks they are friends?

It's 6 minutes. Life is full of disappointments. This is a pretty short one.
Adults have to spend way more time with people they don't like. I would much rather not work with loads of my colleagues but here we are.

And just ‘being kind’ has led many a woman into an unsafe or undesirable situation. As a teenager I was ‘kind’ to people who I should have told to fuck off, and ended up in more than one potentially harmful situation because of it.

I really hate the whole ‘be kind’ concept, which is mainly directed at women and girls, not least because the people who use it to shut behaviour they don’t like down are often some of the unkindest people around in the first place.

These boys both sound like they need to toughen up a bit.

No, no one should have to be a "support animal" but there is a such a thing as politeness as well. We can't all manipulate every social interaction so that it suits us exactly. There will always be colleagues you wish were not in your team, dinner parties where you are seated by someone you prefer not to be seated with, and you can't just leap up and say "Host, I am not sitting here: I am not X's support animal."

It's a walk across a (can't tell if it's a park or playground) and a breakfast. DS can be with his mates thereafter. Tell him not to be fun at breakfast and I'm sure it will wear off. But they both sound mollycoddled.

Not only that, I would say it should be encouraged. Personal boundaries with strangers (which the kid and his mum are tbh) and people he doesn't like is a good thing to listen to. What happens later if they think they're not allowed to say anything and something untoward happens?

I am so sorry Denise, I have been meaning to talk to you about this. I was really hoping the boys would be enjoying walking in together too, but it seems my Johnny has started not wanting to go to breakfast club since changing the routine. He now is refusing to go in unless I take him in alone, which is sad as I thought they were doing fine. I am going to have to take him in alone for the next few weeks and see how he goes as the change has really affected him. Hope thats ok.

She should be communicating to her child "this is not my favourite thing to do either but we will be fine" not "he has to be your friend" OR "if you don't like something that's a big deal and you don't have to do it in case you get upset".
Children need to learn they will handle getting upset.

But you don't have a choice in your workmates, unless you find another job.

OP and her son DO have a choice in who they decide to walk with.

Simon and his mum should learn about "disappointments", it isn't a lesson OP and her son need to learn in this instance

Well in this instance it’s directed at two little boys.

I understand what you are saying and accept it is a tightrope sometimes to find the balance. My child is probably one of the more popular boys in the class and remains so, he has a wide and mixed group of friends inside and outside school. In this instance I chose to give him some insight into why this child might be behaving that way but left it at that. At the time I was very mindful to say he can play with whoever he wants but to just have an understanding of what might be causing the negative behaviour.

More importantly in our case I wanted to teach my son about being resilient, I let him navigate it by himself without interfering or asking him to be moved or separated (he never asked).

But you HAVE to be at work with those colleagues – you're in a confined workplace with them. OP and her DS don't have to walk across a wide open space every morning with a kid he doesn't want to be around! It's frankly bonkers that you think they should capitulate to this other mum's wishes.