Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Just tell the other boys mum that your kid doesn't want to walk in with him. You really need to be strong on this, you're the adult. It's OK to have boundaries and your son will thank you for demonstrating that.
Edited to add, all your pussy footing so far hasn't worked, just be direct.

If she doesn’t back off, I’d honestly have a meeting with the headteacher 😂
I’d say there’s a little boy playing roughly with my son and making him feel anxious about coming in to school. His mother insists on walking with us despite my attempts to stop this.
His name is Simon… 😂
Whats the headteacher going to do? He can’t act emotionally, he’d have to deal with it without bias… and then speak to his wife.
She sounds like an entitled woman who can’t be arsed with the fallout of her son having a tantrum going in to school so is clinging on to you to deal with him.

@OverheardBreakup I would tell the mum that while you appreciate that her son feels better walking in with your son it's the opposite for your son who needs to walk in with just you to keep him settled. So Simon needs to find someone else or just suck it up and walk in with his mother. She sounds extremely entitled and rude. I admit to having been in her position but I have carefully examined the parent's and the child's reaction to my son. And if he didn't look equally excited going in with a friend I would have put a stop to it.

You as the mum and protector need to tell simon’s mum it’s a no

why should her happiness of her child trump yours ?

AND this is why as a teacher you don’t let your child go to the same school you teach in, I know from experience! If Simon is rough in the playground you need to be advising your son’s teacher.

I think your real issue is them playing together inside talk to the preschool staff

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

This is where you should have seen the CF alarm going 🚨🚨🚨 and sent a strong message back.
'No, I won't be doing that as DS is very unhappy with our time being interrupted.'

And if she persisted, then just tell her your son finds him unpleasant.

You can upset her or upset your son 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I would tell her your son is not very sociable in the mornings other than family he likes to be left alone before school so he can wake up properly. Make this a bit of a joke to lighten the mood. Also have a work with the breakfast club staff so they can try to distract the other boy away from yours.

Should not say this in front of the boys.

My guess is that the walk is the precursor to Simon monopolising the OP's son for the whole of breakfast club. Hence some no longer wanting to go.

It's a difficult conversation to have OP - sympathies - but think you need to say it.

I don't know how old they are, but I think that I'd tell the mum that you're glad that it seems like Simon will go in happily with somebody and it helps the situation, but that Trevor does find Simon a bit overwhelming at times and you're almost having the opposite issue, and Trevor is much easier to get in if he's on his own and you can focus on him, and you're feeling a bit awkward now. That you don't mind walking in together sometimes, but please don't wait for us as or rely on us.

I think you will need to be blunt with her on this one and send a clear message that the walk is upsetting your DS and he would rather walk in without her child.

It's awkward but its our job as parents to make sure our children are happy and show them that we will protect their boundaries and that they shouldn't be forced to do something with other people that make them uncomfortable just to please them

These children aren't friends. Its not even neutral as the OP's son actively dislikes Simon and he is well within his rights to.

Children of all ages should be encouraged to recognise and maintain their own boundaries. This is now having a detrimental effect on the OP's son. The other mum is prioritising her own and her child's comfort at the expense of someone else's because it makes her life easier in getting her own child in in the mornings.

They don't want to walk in with Simon. That should be good enough.

ÒP, I completely see what an awkward situation this is for you, but equally, you have to be the advocate for your DS, and if he likes a chat with you and doesn’t want to walk in with “Simon”, then you are going to have to say this to his DM. She is being very unfair and entitled. I’d also have a word with the class teacher about it and raise the fact that he is being rough in the playground. This situation is sadly not going to stop unless you take action, and unfortunately you may have to get on the wrong side of this woman to do it.

Is there anywhere else you could park to drop your son off, so that the entitled mum never knows whether you'll be coming that way or not?

She’s not oblivious; she knows exactly what she’s doing.

Just fight fire with fire. No, I’m sorry my son prefers to walk with me then go in alone, that’s his routine and I won’t unsettle him.

Park elsewhere for a few days if that helps too.

Trevor and Simon! Awesome name pairing 😁

OP maybe speak to the teacher of your son for advice if you don't think the mum will listen. It's not just breakfast club if your DS is mentioning the boy being rough in the playground as well.

I wouldn't do this.

This has nothing to do with the OP's son sociability in the morning. The OP would be throwing her own child under the bus if she did this.

She needs to be honest.

I think it's difficult but you need to need to be blunt with her.

My DC wants us to walk alone and chat in the morning and to go into breakfast club by himself. Please don't wait for us

As others have said, you need to text her that now you "have an upset child that is not wanting to go because he wants to walk in alone. I would appreciate if you respected this, as getting children into school is challenging enough on my way to work".

She's a total melt and a plain CF.

Thank you. I thought I was going mad all these posters telling me it’s not a big deal and DS should just put up with it!

I am also now wondering this as he’s only just stated breakfast club and I think he may be monopolising all of DS’s time there too

I would have just said “Sorry, ds prefers going in on his own” in a firm way. This is what happens when you make up excuses. You’re just going to have to make yourself clear.

I sympathise OP. We had a similar issue with a girl who would latch onto us on the school run and just constantly talk over DD1, who ended up really upset as we also enjoy our morning and pick-up chats on way home just the two of us. Thankfully her mum isn’t as obstinate as yours, so when we made some subtle changes to timings/a different route, she got the hint! You might have to do the old ‘Ah sorry, Simon, DC and I have something important to discuss, he’ll see you in the playground!’ And then march off.

But if your son is really getting upset then it’s time for an unpleasant chat unfortunately: ‘I’m sorry but X is finding it really hard in the mornings now and is upset at losing time just me and him so we won’t be walking in with you any more. I’m sure you understand. X will see Simon in the playground.’

If you are worried about seeming rude just say your DS is being a bit funny about it, you’re not sure why but he said he doesn’t want to walk with anyone.

I had similar with my DS as we were meeting my friend and her DD on the way to school, he didn’t like it and wouldn’t talk to them - as it’s my friend I could just say sorry he is being really rude and it’s better that we don’t walk together. The kids often play together in school but it’s just something about the morning walk in and the routine that he just likes it to be me and him 🤷🏻‍♀️