Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

You could also have a quiet word with their class teacher. They will be able to read between the lines and engineer ways to nurture other friendships for Simon.

Do the nursery drop after?

It. Is difficult as the Mum is quite pushy. If its a two minute walk tell your DS he has to be kind and walk in with this boy if he sees him. But all this nonsense about having to tell the Mum if you'll be late is ridiculous.

Tbh, OP, I'm a primary teacher and have spent years challenging this sort of thing in schools.

There has been so much focus on being a good friend over the years where the message has been 'be kind'. But a lot of the things we were telling children to do crossed their own boundaries eg let someone play with you if they want to (even if you don't like them or they are mean to you) because it's kind.

The PSHE curriculum now includes recognising toxic friendships and how to appropriately and kindly challenge things like this. And the children are getting really good at respectfully saying no!

The problem is that a lot of people still feel uncomfortable asserting their own boundaries because it feels unkind, which is why a lot of people will encourage you to go along with it.

We can't expect adults to have and maintain boundaries if we don't teach children how to do it.

Amd, crucially, it's the beginning of understanding consent and that 'no means no'.

Options:

• walk across the park with your son and just let Simon drift about by you
• tell the mum that your son feels uncomfortable walking just with hers and it might be best for them not to wait for you both.. Smile blandly and shrug in a "kids will be kids" sort of way ...

He doesn’t have to walk in with anyone he doesn’t damn well want to walk in with.

I wouldn’t engage with the mum, my concern would be my DS and encouraging him to just stroll in without a backward glance to Simon if that’s what he wishes to do

Why on earth should the OP faff about with changing routine and dragging a small child about rather than just saying something to this pushy woman?

The head teachers son has no friends and doesn't want to go into school on his own? Wouldn't it be easier if he went in with his dad and sat in the outer office or something?

It's tough. I don't think I'd be saying anything to Simon's mum about the behaviour if you're not seeing any of this yourself. I think there's a chance your DS is not being fully honest about his behaviour. It's odd that this was never raised before the walks started and he was happy going into breakfast club before the walking together started. If this rough behaviour happens in school what difference does a few minutes walking together before school make? Why is it only being brought up now?

Since the news of MN's potential sale, the trending box has been full of really bizarre trending threads, almost purposefully designed to generate controversy, debate and reactions.

What doesn't make any sense here is why the head teacher's son needs to be driven to school by the mother? And she has to park 7mins away to walk her son to school? As the head's wife, she has absolutely no way of parking on school premises for 5mins? Where do the other staff put their cars or where are emergency vehicles expected to stop?

Every single teacher's child I know gets taken to school by the same parent who works there.

I think I’d be encouraging my child to walk with the other child who gets upset going in alone. It’s literally a minute.

No, even if it was just that you would not be being unreasonable. From what you say it sounds like part of the issue is that once they go in together, Simon then clings to your child because they've arrived as buddies as it were. Ignore the PPs, you know your child and if it's upsetting him then the time of the walk is frankly irrelevant!

Good reply just remove the sorry from start and end.

It also makes me uncomfortable to see so many adults suggesting you change your own routine (route, drop offs etc) or blame your own child. No.

These arrangements should be by mutual consent not unilateral decisions. If the OP's son didn't mind then it would be fine. But he does, so it's not. And it's absolutely fine to communicate it directly.

I always told my kids that they should be mindful of other people’s feelings but not at the expense of their own

the OPs DS is an older sibling and having that alone time with mum is clearly worth something to him. Why should he put those feelings behind the feelings of Simon?

the message you propose to send is not dissimilar to the one you already sent. I would speak to breakfast club first and see what’s happening there

Just remembered when DD started at preschool there was a boy who she was scared of to the point where I had to raise it with the teachers, his Grandma lived on our street so they were usually walking home at the same time (but not together), after a few weeks they were besties and running up the hill holding hands! I think he was just a bit loud and boisterous which she felt unsure about until she got to know him more.

Not doing it, does not make him unkind.

It’s not kind to push your son on others like this either.

She isn’t oblivious, you aren’t being clear. Just tell her your son doesn’t want to walk to school with her son.

Can you also give your child a book or something that he can use at breakfast club so he doesn’t have to interact with Simon there. Your son can use the book as an excuse to ignore Simon at BC and maintain a distance.

The amount of people advocating for a young boy to be told to put his own discomfort aside and do things he doesn't want to do is fucking ridiculous.

Because if Simon does monopolise the OP's son once they're in club, it makes the whole experience negative for him.

Because, if they see the boys arriving together, the club staff will likely say things like, "OP's son, Simon wants to play with X, why don't you come and play with him?" Because they will also be thinking, "How lovely, Simon has a friend!" And want to encourage it.

Because if Simon doesn't have any friends at school because he is unkind to other childen (it happens) then the OP's son could probably avoid him at other times but now with this illusion of the OP's son being Simon's friend, he likely.gravitates towards him.at other times (it happens).

Because the OP's son could find it difficult to maintain friendships with other children if he is seen to be friends with someone the other childen want to avoid to because he is mean to them.

Because other people's behaviour is rarely an issue for any of us until it impacts on us directly.

Exactly. Why does 'being kind' always seek to mean 'just put up with what other people want to impose on you'.

The added dynamic of her being the head teacher’s wife makes this a lot trickier because you’re right, you don’t want to create unnecessary atmosphere for your DS above all else. I’m surprised her husband doesn’t take him to school with him tbh, surely that would make more sense?

I think you are going to have to be a bit more direct though, the fact she’s waiting there is weird. You can’t have your DS suddenly upset to go in because of this boy. I suggest just explaining your DS wants alone time with you and doesn’t want to feel forced to interact with her DS.

The organisation of a Breakfast Club is likely to be very different routine wise to going into a primary classroom with all the lining up, bags , coarts on hooks, seating plan, timetable etc. Hence some children perhaps feeling insecure, different ages present, maybe no "friends" in the club

Hopefully the staff are on the look out for those children in a well organised club but may be worth asking how they manage that?

Why would OP need to ask? Her son is fine.

Other’s people’s children are their responsibility.