Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

I think you just have to be more direct. I know how you and your son feel about the walk - I always say that some people have a set 'connection' with their kids over meals but I never have, for us it's always been walking to school, clubs, the library etc. There have been times we've ended up walking with another parent and child which is fine when its now and then but when its every time I felt I was missing that time with her.

I think you have tried to be polite and now you need to be more direct and ask her to stop waiting. She's being very rude to continue.

Ok, so I definitely need to say something. I really want to avoid pointing the finger at her son or being overly blunt. I don’t want to create an atmosphere if I can avoid it!

Based on various responses, I am going to message her:
’hey, sorry I meant to catch you once the boys had gone in. While I appreciate Simon finds it easier to walk in with DS, we’ve found DS finds this quite unsettling and is much better sticking to his routine of us going in together and having our morning chats so we’re going to go back to just us. Sorry we can’t help any further-perhaps use the class WhatsApp to see if any other kids go to BC in the mornings?’

Can you alternate your route to school for a bit?

maybe speak to the breakfast club teachers and say he’s started to dread going and ask if anything has changed during the club

You can’t ask someone to stop waiting for you

but you can speak to your son and explain that he doesn’t need to pay Simon any attention, he can just stroll in to breakfast club and then do entirely his own thing.

It is a big deal, and you don't have to do it.
The issue is how to sort it with a woman who is a bit desperate and oblivious without conflict or hurting someone's feelings, and that's the tricky bit.
People who don't get the message when you are making various excuses to not do something, are going to end up having things spelled out to them eventually in less gentle ways.

Another option I'd consider is saying walking with them but being much less friendly, and grey rocking them. It's a bit passive aggressive, but it's less confrontation.

Very likely. You need to talk to the teachers at Breakfast Club to find out.

Hi, we had something similar to this - family who live on our road kept turning up on our doorstep with their child expecting us to walk with them as their child liked it, ours did not. I’m afraid the only thing that works is being very blunt, because they won’t hear a very politely worded criticism of their child, they don’t see their child that way and will only believe that other children will want to hang out with them. It feels rude, and maybe it is, but your son’s happiness is on the line here and that should be enough at the end of the day. If her behaviour escalates and she is in some way using her position as the headteachers wife to create problems for you then that will need to go to the governors.

Surely the wider problem here is that she's the head teacher's wife and the boy is their son. And she has form for kicking off with another parent.

I'd view this as the thin end of a possible wedge: she could have the power to make any child's school life uncomfortable. Adults may see this as 'what does it matter? It's only a short walk' but to a child, this child, it's a big issue and this needs to be respected.

Her son is rough in the playground and this might well make him unpopular. What can you do about that when he's the Head's son? His mother already suggesting liasing via WhatsApp about late arrival etc smacks of control to me. She may just be aware that her son isn't universally popular and is clutching at any likely friend and I can sympathise with that. But OP's son is the issue here and she has to prioritise him.

I’d personally make it more obvious and put the not walking together stuff very plainly and right at the top so she can’t miss it (purposefully or otherwise) and it’s not burying the lede.

’Hi, hope you’re well! Just to let you know we won’t be walking in with you and Simon in the mornings from now on. X has started getting upset in the mornings about it and is missing the time we have together. There might be some other kids in the class who go to to BC Simon can walk in with - worth a message in the WhatsApp group maybe. Hope you find a solution, mornings are tricky!’

She is patronising and pushy. And manipulative.

You being all nice and sweet won’t work here. I think you will have to be direct, polite but firm. Patronise her back a bit too.

‘Look, this is not working for us. I understand Simon is happy to walk with DS but DS isn’t. This arrangement is not working for us and we won’t be carrying on. It’s causing stress to us. Im sure you understand, thanks’.

She’s headteachers wife? Who cares, she needs to be told straight.

Oh I like this. More direct but still not too blunt. I’m going with it

I agree with
@MrsOvertonsWindow ”…that the walk is the precursor to Simon monopolising the OP’s son for the whole of breakfast club.”
Hence he not liking Simon latching on at the park.

I’m not sure this is direct enough. Don’t apologise, it gives her the opportunity to say ‘oh it’s fine, we’ll just walk behind you/your ds will be fine’. I think you need to be a little blunter ‘from now on DS and I will be walking to bc together without you and Simon. This is important time for us and not having this time together unsettles my ds.’ There’s no need to offer an alternative of messaging class group, it’s not your responsibility.
This mum will probably have a rue awakening when their dc isn’t invited to things if he is rough etc. better to put some boundaries in place now.

I came here to post just that. I bet Simon now tries to stick with DS all through breakfast club, and would try to continue to do so even if they didn’t walk in together (unless they are seated depending in arrival time). Your DS probably thinks the problem will be solved by them not going in together, but that might not be the case.

First stop the walking in together (tell her that DS is now unsettled and needs to go back to walking with just you and then going in on his own), then if necessary talk to the breakfast club supervisor about what happens once they’re there.

Doesn’t sound like breakfast club is beneficial for your son OP. Is it necessary? If not and he’s not enjoying it is there any point? Simons mum will continue to take the piss, people like that have very thick skin. She knows the situation is awkward for you, you’ve advocated for your son and she is still trying to ride roughshod over you to get what she needs. I feel a little sorry for Simon as it seems like he may be struggling with friends and that is sad for a little boy, but it doesn’t matter in relation to your situation. If breakfast club is necessary you are probably going to have to be very blunt and direct, giving no option for her to come back with an objection, and remember that she doesn’t care about making you uncomfortable.

Well no, he's not obliged, but the kid sounds clingy and pushy so perhaps he can't get away from him. The mum hasn't got the hint so the kid probably won't either, the son might even be afraid to say anything if the kid has form for rough play at break time.

I think that's the best idea so far

Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.
Christ, she's a full-on boor, isn't she? I think your message is too apologetic and (kindly) a bit waffly and she could easily wilfully misunderstand it. I'd go with Clefable's suggestion.

I would remove all the ‘sorry’s. They are unnecessary.

I'd walk in with her one last time and ask to speak to her after drop off. Hang the potential atmosphere.

I'd be plain. Say it nicely, but firmly.

Simon is not kind to him at school and is frequently rough in the playground. As a consequence, your child does not want to walk in with him and you won't force him to. He's only 5/6 [?] is becoming anxious and now wants to avoid breakfast club which you cannot cancel due to your job.
You would appreciate if she could make other arrangements for now and let them all settle in together in their own time. If Simon is anxious then she should speak to the breakfast club about settling in activities that he will enjoy. You will naturally bump into each other some mornings and that's fine, but a standing arrangement and expectation doesn't work.

Or make drop offs your husbands problem :) Or bring a scooter and running shoes for you to speed up the journey.

I just know from experience that if you give people like this any scope to wilfully misunderstand or miss the point of a message, they will take it! And she’s definitely the type that will fail to read the message properly or say ‘oh I didn’t see that part!’. If it’s right at the top and is a plain statement of what’s going to happen, then it’s very hard for her to claim ignorance!

I get this. Is there any way you can switch up your routine so that you do breakfast club drop off first then head on with the younger one to nursery? Appreciate this may not work if breakfast club opens after nursery does. It's a faff dragging a smaller one in and out of the car and getting the buggy out if needed but might be worth it to break the routine...

Why don't you have a chat with whoever is responsible for the breakfast club and ask about your son, who is he playing with, etc? Mention your concerns about Simon playing rough. I don't think you will get anywhere speaking only with the mum, and she may turn things against you later.

Oh gosh, sorry this is a bit of a pain! Could you arrive early before they get to school? I do think you just need to be direct and tell her to back off but that’s an extremely hard thing to do and I wouldn’t envy you! Apart from arriving early I don’t have much advice...

There’s going to be clingy and pushy kids throughout school

I would be focussed on speaking with DS and explaining he owes Simon nothing. So if he doesn’t want to engage with him, that’s cool. Just stroll in to BC and then go off and do your own thing. And if Simon follows you around, either tell him to quit following or say to one of the BC staff that Simon is following you around