Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Can you not talk to the head teacher (her husband ) he has a duty of care to ensure all children are happy coming into school .

Also if her husband is the headmaster it's completely inappropriate to be kicking off at any parent .

She is not the reasonable type, she is a CF. Simon is her priority.
Be more direct, if she falls out with you then job done.

I think you need to put your son first and put your foot down. As someone else has said, your child is no one's emotional support person. The length of the walk and actual circumstances are not relevant, its giving your son a problem and that should be enough for you to intervene firmly. If "Simon" plays roughly then I can see why your son might have a problem, but again "I don't like him and don't want to walk with him" should be enough. Being age appropriately polite is one thing but everyone should get to choose their own friends and associates. If the mother has history of getting difficult, I would suggest that you stand ready to document her behaviour and take it to the school governors if necessary.

My daughter likes to hold her school friend’s hands going in to school. If they ever look hesitant I always tell her that so and so isn’t ready to go in yet/doesnt want to hold hands today, in you go by yourself, have a good day! Always in a happy voice to reassure her that it’s ok if people don’t always want to do what you want to do, and also to model she’s allowed to say no whenever she’s uncomfortable too, no big deal. The mum isn’t oblivious, she’s ignoring your son’s discomfort and teaching her son to be entitled and ignore other people’s feelings. No wonder Simon is struggling with friendships if his mum is modelling this behaviour.

Explain to your son that Simon feels nervous going in by himself, it can be scary starting breakfast club but that he will get more confident with practice. Reassure your son it’s ok if he doesn’t want to walk in with Simon.

Message the mum something direct from your sons perspective, hi, my son has said he wants to walk in to breakfast club by himself from now on, he seems to be feeling overwhelmed with the friendship with Simon. I hope you find a way to help Simon settle if he’s still struggling.

if she replies trying to convince you otherwise you can repeat, I understand, it can be hard for little ones to settle. And my son wants to go in by himself, he needs space to go in feeling settled.

If they’re there the next day I’d be your son’s voice in the moment “good morning simon! Son do you want to walk in with Simon or by yourself today? Son wants to go in by himself today, that’s ok darling! big smile, physically place myself between then to hug/say goodbye Have a good day son! Have a lovely day too Simon!

repeat as often as necessary

They’re only young, Simon will get more confident, your son might start to enjoy going in with Simon now and then once he knows there’s no pressure. Just model being kind and confident, it’s fine to say no even if it disappoints other people.

Breathe through the discomfort, you will get more assertive with practice too. It’s hard becoming a parent when you are used to putting other’s feelings before your own, all of a sudden you have to start saying no for your kids, you’re learning how to do this together!

Can you drive? Walk a different way or run along next to your son on a scooter?

You’ve got to find a way to get her to want to actively avoid you, asking to borrow money usually does it 😎

The message you suggested sounds good, your son is your priority, it's not your problem that her son sounds like a pain.

This is one of the more bizarre takes on my post! Because MN is potentially being sold, people are engaging with controversial posts....and you consider this controversial? A run of the mill school mum issue?

He isn't driven....At no point have I said he is driven? They live the other side of the park so walk through it to get to school. Headteacher is in at crack of dawn every morning, breakfast club starts at 8am so mum walks him over then (she doesn't work). I'm not sure where the conspiracy is?

And there actually isn't a car park. It's a small infant school off a main road by a park. Teachers park in the residential streets around the park I would imagine.

I'm so sorry that in this one instance a child who's mum doesn't work takes him in rather than the headteacher who is usually there when it opens and that you can't fathom this being the case.

I've sent the message suggested upthread and I will speak to breakfast club staff when I pick up DS (they also run the after school club)

This is terrible advice. Putting the responsibility on Op's little boy to say that he doesn't want to walk with Simon - in front of Simon and his Mum!
I'm really surprised that people think that Op should be persuading her son to put up with this, rather than standing up for him and helping him to protect his boundaries.

Simon is probably struggling being the head master's son and having a ridiculous mum who is trying too hard to make friends for him but that is nobody else's problem.

The message did strike just the right balance.

I feel sorry for Simon - I wonder how much he struggles to make friends because his mum is overbearing/can't read the room, and his Dad is the Head.

None of that makes it OPs son's responsibility to do anything - hope the message has done the trick.

‘I hate to be in this position where I need to be blunt, but my son and I won’t be walking with you across the park to school any more so please don’t wait for us. The last few days have unsettled my son to the extent he feels manipulated at breakfast club and no longer wants to go. I’m sure you understand that it’s my job to look out for him, hence this message. All the best.’

Well done for sending the message. If she comes back trying to push you into changing your mind, you need to be even blunter:

"To reiterate, we will not be walking with you and your DS. I didn't want to be blunt, but the fact is the boys are not friends in the way your DS has led you to believe. So please leave it be."

Can you park on a different edge of the park that lets you approach the school from a different direction?

I don't understand why walking across a yard and through a door at approximately the same time as Simon can be so utterly traumatising for your kid.

He doesn't have to be friends with him. He can tell him so if he wants. Your son says Simon is rough in the playground. He needs to tell the teacher when it happens. And tell the mum if you want.

He's clearly not rough when you're there and he's only walking a few steps and there must be dozens of others walking in at the same time?

OP has already said it’s an almost 10 min walk across the park and into school

I'm seeing so many posts here suggesting complicated explanations to try to put the other mum and child off. Wouldn't it make more sense, and be more effective, to be as honest (while polite) as possible? What about something like - to the other mum - "Hey, wouldn't it be great if they were chums, but at the moment, little Johnny doesn't seem to be enjoying Simon, and says that he doesn't want to walk in with him. He's feeling upset by the expectation so we won't be doing it for a while, sorry. You know, kids! I'm sure they'll be pals again sometime. Sorry if that's disappointing, see you around soon!"

I may be old school but I really do find this a bit bizarre, what happened to being nice and kind to people? He doesn't have to be this kids best friend but what's wrong with walking across a park together?

Maybe RTFT? The mum and Simon are waiting at a gate in a nearby park to walk across the park with them. It's not a short stroll within school grounds.

Because moments where they get to walk with their mum and chat can be really meaningful for children and OP's DS doesn't want to spoil it or share it?

I think you just need to be honest. Tell the mum that your ds has said that her ds plays a bit rough and he now feels uneasy walking in with him. Maybe she can have a word with Simon about playing nicely and then your ds would feel happier about walking in with him?

If you don’t tell her the issue then how is she supposed to help her son?

Can't they talk in the car? I dunno, obviously the OP has made her mind up about it but it just feels like such a non issue

Why should they change their routine to accommodate a child that her DS doesn't like or get on with?