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AIBU?

To not want to be a Stay at Home Dad

191 replies

Flashman · 15/06/2008 19:15

It is something that the DW has floated into conversation - She likes the idea that rather than nursery I quit work to look after "Pinky". Now my first reaction has been to say No. Not because I think it is "woman" work or anything like that - just because I really think I would go mad being at home, and think it must be fucking hard work. She is not too keen on nursery. However it is not really a choice her quitting work.

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sarah293 · 15/06/2008 19:17

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Meandmyjoe · 15/06/2008 19:17

Mmm it is fucking hard work. I go mad at home and it's lonely, frustrating and boring. How old is your child? It depends on the type of child you have I suppose, i know lots of people who stay at home and love it but I'm not one of them!

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LucyJones · 15/06/2008 19:19

Can she go part time?
Can you go part time?
Have you considered a childminder?
Do you know she can get a year's materniry allowance?
I take it the baby isn't born yet - it's best to wait and see how she feels once it is born

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Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 19:19

You have to do something that suits all of you. I'm happy to stay at home but I can't imagine that would be the case if I were made to feel I didn't have a choice. Perhaps you should research some/all of the alternatives nanny shares, nurseries, child minders,etc get everything from references to anecdotal evidence that there really is an alternative to you staying at home. Could you work part time? Any gps that could step up?

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hercules1 · 15/06/2008 19:19

My dh is a sahp and finds it incredibly boring. I couldnt do it so do feel for him.

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poppy34 · 15/06/2008 19:21

no yanbu - its a personal thing and if its not for you to stay at home. Lucyjones suggestions are good ones.

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nickytwotimes · 15/06/2008 19:22

Is it just nursery she doesn't like? Child minders can be a great option. More of a home environment, imo.
I wanted to stay home and I find it a struggle. you shouldn't do it unless you really want to. It can be very lonely and I imagine it could be harder being a bloke if you are the only Dad at toddler groups, etc. i've a friend who is a SAHD and has settled in well with all the women, but again, it was something he was happy to do.

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potoftea · 15/06/2008 19:22

I'm a SAHM and love it.

BUT...it's my choice and my dh has always supported it, if I'd wanted to work he'd have supported that choice too.

So YANBU, it's a big move for you to make, and shouldn't be forced or pressurised into it. Could you take a leave of absence from work and try it for a few months with no promises of it being a permenant thing?

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Flashman · 15/06/2008 19:23

err well it is 37 days to the due date (not that I am counting) - just talking about what we are going to do when he / she arrives and then that bomb shell was dropped. I just assumed that Nursery would be the way forward - I think they are a good idea - Just the thought of no adult interaction all day - go crazy I tells ya -

LJ she will only want to take 6 months - is on her way up!

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Flashman · 15/06/2008 19:26

Perhaps but the other thing is I am a bit scared at the moment - someone trusting me with a little person on my own for hours at a time - and yes I am sure that will change when I get used to it, but from this side - OMG!!

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WideWebWitch · 15/06/2008 19:26

It's a hard one. I was a sahm for 4 years with my ds (from first marriage) and then when dd (from second marriage) was born we decided I would go back to work asap and dh would stay at home since I earned more. So I found work when she was 4 months old and dh was a sahd. She then proceeded to not sleep for a year and ahalf and we took turns to do getting up in the night so at least we knew that every other night we'd get some sleep.

I think at first dh thought it would be a doddle, some time off, but soon realised how hard it was. We also couldn't manage without him working as my income was erratic (contractor) and so in the end when she was 18 months we put her into a nursery and both worked. We have both worked ever since, she's five in November.

But he does say he's glad he did it, he feels v close to dd as a result of having been the main carer for the first 1.5 years of her life and he says from an equality pov he thinks it was the right thing to do. He is as capable of looking after both children as I am, it's good.

Could you take a sabbatical?
Could you both go part time?
Could you apply for flexible working?
Coulkd she apply for flexible working?
At one point I compressed a ft week into 4 longer days and took Fridays off but still got my ft salary, could you both consider some compromises like this?

If you think you might give it a go I wouild recommend you take 2 weeks holiday and look after the baby on your own firsdt to see what it's like and whether you like it.

It's bloody hard work imo!

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Flashman · 15/06/2008 19:27

oh and I think it is child care per sa - what she said earlier was she dislikes the idea that it is someone else shaping our child, not us. If that makes sense?

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WideWebWitch · 15/06/2008 19:27

So I don't blame ANYONE, male or female for not wanting to be a sahp tbh. It's v hard. And having done it first time I chose not to the second.

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waffletrees · 15/06/2008 19:29

I am a SAHM and it is hard work. If you don't want to do it then don't. Resentment is not a good idea in a marriage.

How about a childminder? They tend to offer a more homely environment.

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Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 19:29

Flashman, there are many couples in this situation where neither wants to give up work, personally I think this could have been discussed prior to conception and also think until a child is 18 months the best place is at home with a parent. However many children have a balance between parental care and nursery/other care and do very very well.
If you were a woman posting this I'm sure most of us would be a little more scathing in our views about your spouse .

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artichokes · 15/06/2008 19:29

First I would wait and see how you both feel once the baby is here. My career was everything and I swore I would go back fulltime after 6 months. When it came to it I could not bare the idea of seeing DD so infrequently and returned to work part-time after 9 months. In my NCT group all 7 women swore they would go back to work fulltime when we met antenatally, only one works fulltime now.

Nobody should be made to stay at home if they don't want to. Can you afford nursery or a childminder?

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piratecat · 15/06/2008 19:31

have you not discussed this before now?

I really don't know what to suggest as I am not a career person, and have fallen into being a sahm. Well, an alone mum now!

I would want one parent to be looking after the child, tho, so can see where she's coming from, but she also wants her career too.

Maybe new dd/ds can go part time to nursery? then you could work part time?

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Flashman · 15/06/2008 19:31

Her part time - no chance she is a company FD.

Perhaps part time - but I think that might be taking the worst of it. Bite the bullet and see I guess. In truth I made it sound like I was being reasonable - but to be honest I was a bit of a child and might have used the comment "No fucking way"

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WideWebWitch · 15/06/2008 19:31

Btw, my dd goes to the loveliest nursery now and is very very happy there. They have rabbits and guinea pigs and a wonderful garden and fantastic staff. They often have woodland school where they go off into the woods and spot deer. They have a huge play area with swings and stuff. The food is great, the ethos is wonderful and she is very happy there. When we wre all moaning about going to work/school one Monday morning she said "well, I DO like my nursery though and I do want to go although I suppose it's not quite a nice as being at home with all of you" or words to that effect. She has great friends there, comes home with fab drawings and cakes they've baked, I really do think she has a lovely time.

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ruddynorah · 15/06/2008 19:31

you might feel quite different after the baby is born. as may she. i certainly did after i had dd. i too was 'on the way up' and told my boss i'd be back full time asap. well no. i took a year off and have gone back part time doing evenings. dh also changed his hours so he finishes at 3pm every day. neither of us expected to be so 'keen.' no need to make a decision yet

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RubySlippers · 15/06/2008 19:32

if it really isn't a choice that she gives up work because of finances, then it sounds sensible to find a childcare option you are both happy with

have you been to visit any nurseries? Some are VERY good

you can call the council for a list of approved childcare providers

FWIW, i work fulltime and DS has been in nursery since he was 6 months old - the nursery care for him, but myself, DH and all his extended family have "shaped" him

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pointydog · 15/06/2008 19:32

Of course YANBU. Find another solution

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WideWebWitch · 15/06/2008 19:33

No reason why senior people can't work part time or flexibly. I was reasonably senior in my last perm job and had compressed hours.

Imo men do need to start doing this too so it's not seen as solely the preserve of women.

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piggysneed · 15/06/2008 19:34

Would a nanny be an option rather than care outside the home? Don't make any decissions until after the birth.

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LucyJones · 15/06/2008 19:35

'LJ she will only want to take 6 months - is on her way up! '

everything changes once you have a baby , it really does
she might still want to be a high flier
but she might not
you can't really decide for ceetain now
That's why my work wouldn't sort out me going Part time until I was actually off on maternity leave as so many people change their minds

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