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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a Stay at Home Dad

191 replies

Flashman · 15/06/2008 19:15

It is something that the DW has floated into conversation - She likes the idea that rather than nursery I quit work to look after "Pinky". Now my first reaction has been to say No. Not because I think it is "woman" work or anything like that - just because I really think I would go mad being at home, and think it must be fucking hard work. She is not too keen on nursery. However it is not really a choice her quitting work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flashman · 15/06/2008 22:18

Hmmmm i did not want to start an argument - I respect parents that stay at home - it just would not be my thing (or so i think at the moment) I live in a tiny little village in Leicestershire - there really is nothing here to do - there is not even a local shop ffs. I would go mad - I am 100% sure of this. It has been mentioned earlier about baby groups / coffee morning as something to do - now I am wondering how many of these would like a male turning up at - they are just seen to me as women groups. I am not sure I would have that much to relate to them really.

But I do that people for their comments they are very useful.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:19

Ok GM. You are proving my point now.

"I find your spelling OFFENSIVE with an S. "

The last resort when you have nothing to say: Attack the spelling.

oh you make me laugh. As you have taken the thread to an even lower level I shall take my leave and you can continue your bickering with somebody else.

Kewcumber · 15/06/2008 22:19

georgiemama- when you can spell in QS's native language as well as she can spell in English then you can make pissy comments about her spelling.

findtheriver · 15/06/2008 22:20

Twelvelegs... maybe for the sake of clarity you should say 'I think it is better for my baby to be looked after at home for 18 months.'
It's the leap from a personal decision about your child to the generalised 'it is better for a baby, any baby, to be at home for 18 months' that is illogical and pisses people off. Maybe that isnt your intention, but surely you can see that your opinion does not make it true for everyone.

Kewcumber · 15/06/2008 22:22

1973 - what was the bizarre comment about adoption supposed to mean?! Do you not think that adopted children deserve the same standard of childcar!!! (I'm assuming you don;t mean that)

spicemonster · 15/06/2008 22:22

1973

That's a really nasty thing to say

endymion · 15/06/2008 22:22

GM - you're being rather aggressive with the spelling correction. Shall I go through your posts looking for grammatical errors/spelling mistakes?

georgiemama · 15/06/2008 22:22

I don't know f**ing know that her native language isn't English? Why should I know? Am I supposed to check out every poster's profile before I post? Or seek their permission?

FFS. Enough.

Flashman, if you haven't lost the will to live, hope you work out a solution that suits.

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:23

findtheriver, I think you'll find both are subjective. I can't be arsed to debate this any further.

Kewcumber · 15/06/2008 22:24

Hmmmm i did not want to start an argument!!! - think you're on the worng forum then. We could argue over the colour of a brown paper bag.

georgiemama · 15/06/2008 22:25

Knock yourselves out. If that is how you spend your days at home with your children, on MN while they play with electricity or something (I am only here when DS is in bed, the rest of the time, I am at work, except at weekends, when I am entirely devoted to him) go for it. I don't care.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:25

No you should not know the ethnic origin of the poster before you post, but you should show every poster some courtesy.

Kewcumber cheers mate.

Kewcumber · 15/06/2008 22:26

always wise to consider dyslexia and English not being a first language before resorting to scoring points on spelling or it can go badly...

endymion · 15/06/2008 22:26

flashman - alas it's getting a bit tired here.

But fundamentally no one should be placed in a position where they have to stay at home if they don't want to, and don't feel that it would benefit their family (and all the constituent parts of the family).

There may be middle ground involving part-time work options/compressed hours. And you and your DW might have different perspectives once the baby is born. They do have a habit of turning your life upside-down!

ReallyTired · 15/06/2008 22:26

Hi, Flashman,

I haven't read all your thread. I think that your health and happiness is as important as anyone else in the family.

I was a stay at home mum and it made me clinically depressed. I am sure that this was not good for my son or my marriage.

Its true that nurseries are expensive, but the cost does get better. There are child tax credits and when your child is three years old you will get nursery vouchers.

I think that both parents have to happy inorder to have a happy child. If your wife feels strongly that she wants the baby to be looked after at home then she should stay at home.

There are piles of evidence that shows that nursery does not harm children. There are also piles of evidence that shows that babies who have parents with clinical depression do less well.

nannynick · 15/06/2008 22:27

Flashman - sounds to me that you would be happier if Pinky goes to nursery. You then keep doing your current job, and DW can progress up her career ladder. Happy parents = happy child (well, sometimes )
Being in a small village will be hard, being the only bloke at a group is difficult (I should know, am often the only bloke).
Finding alternative forms of childcare in a small village can be very hard - so if you have found a nursery and are happy with it, then you need to convince DW that it is the best move for your family. Keep weekends as being quality family time... and work during the week, while Pinky is at nursery.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:27

georgiemama, there are also sight impaired posters who uses voice recognition software instead of typing, so what you see on the screen can be a little different...

Twinklemegan · 15/06/2008 22:27

Flashman - if you want to CAT me I can put you in touch with DH. We are in rural Scotland - certainly not many activities around here that involve meeting other adults. He genuinely does enjoy being a SAHD though and might be able to give you some insight into what it's like. I totally agree with the advice to wait and see how you both feel when the baby comes.

I think you're right to be worried about "women's" groups, because rightly or wrongly that's what they are. DH has tried a couple and he hates them. The only men that go to them, in our experience, were clearly fishwives in a former life.

findtheriver · 15/06/2008 22:28

twelvelegs - there is a huge difference between making a statement which is true for yourself, and then generalising from that, that it must be true for everyone.
If you can't be arsed to debate that point, I'll take it that you concede I am correct!!

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:29

Where in the world are you georgiemama, New Zealand? Where I am it's way past ten at night and my dcs are in bed. Anyone would think we may have touched a nerve...twice, showing the same colours when you realise you're wrong about QES, not apologising but getting more angry, are you really a man???

ScottishMummy · 15/06/2008 22:30

if you decide to use CM/Nanny/Nursery check out
ofsted Search by postcode See inspection reports on institutions or providers where you live:

essentially a very personal choice.

good luck

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:34

findtheriver, I just can't be arsed with you as you twist words and misinterpret on purpose to be argumentative, I assume and not out of stupidity. You pick up on the one thing that you can pull out of this whole thread that could allow you to jump upon a soapbox and let it run and run, it's very tedious.

Kewcumber · 15/06/2008 22:35

And if your DW is the FD then like me she can bring in a childcare voucher scheme if they don;t already have one . I can recommend a lovely small firm who are very easy to deal with!

Original poster
Flashman · 15/06/2008 22:35

I have thought how to unite most of the women here then - I shall share a story which will get me killed at some point. I have keen clearing things out getting ready for Pinky. In the bottom of MY wardrobe she has been dumping her shoes that she does not wear. Well yesterday I have put them all in a charity bag and got rid of them - I mean she does not wear them, they are just sitting there, but I am a dead man walking because she will blow when she finds they are gone. Now that could be a little unreasonable maybe!!

OP posts:
Twinklemegan · 15/06/2008 22:37

So if you don't come back on this thread tomorrow do we call the police?