To not want to be a Stay at Home Dad

[Flashman]

It is something that the DW has floated into conversation - She likes the idea that rather than nursery I quit work to look after "Pinky". Now my first reaction has been to say No. Not because I think it is "woman" work or anything like that - just because I really think I would go mad being at home, and think it must be fucking hard work. She is not too keen on nursery. However it is not really a choice her quitting work.

I disagree with Xenia that it's low grade domestic work for a stay at home parent. In our house all the chores are split equally, and I do virtually all the food shopping and the cooking. I would never dream of expecting DH to do all the domestic chores while looking after DS. If your wife expected you to do that, Flashman, then you'd be within your rights to throw out the rest of her shoes.

If you spend your time actually looking after and stimulating your DC then it is very very far from low grade domestic work (unless Xenia would put childminders in that category as well?)

It's fun for an hour or two but 12 hours a day is just too much for most mothers and fathers because, yes, it is actually very boring. Peek a boo and changing yet another nappy is fine for a bit but after a few hours it's just tedious and most adults have more to give to the world than just that kind of dull stuff. Most men and women work now and always have done and always will. If they never had much of a job then yes baby care may be more fun than manning the tills at Tesco but women and men with decent careers are better off operating on breast cancer patients or running plcs than being at home doing the dull baby stuff.

"doing the dull baby stuff"

This is such a selfish attitude to parenting.

Caring for babies is tedious and often monotonous but is also over so quickly, a few months and they crawling and you get to watch them explore and experience the world, a year or two and they're, in many cases, off to nursery and then shortly after that to school. Moreover, its a very poor parent who can only offer peek a boo and nappy changing - unimaginative at the very least.

Stay at home parenting is just as valid and as much of a valuable contribution to the wider society as 'operating on people'. It simply is and I can't be bothered to argue about it yet again.

To the OP, families should do what suits them personally, there are no hard and fast rules. Stay at home parenting can be incredibly rewarding and as I've noted above, does not have to go on forever. You need to evaluate your own financial situation, is it even feasible for you to give up work? Is part time work combined with say a childminder an option?

In our situation I am the main provider while our dcs are small, DH provides most of the care during the day (although I arrange my hours so I get a portion of the day with them too), and works part time (he's self employed also so this works well for us). DS1 is at nursery about half the week and soon we'll be starting ds2 there also and over a year or so building him up to a similar level of time. DH will then go back to work. When I'm not working everything (house work, childcare etc) is joint responsibility. This works really well for us, the children get loads of time with me and dad, ds1 gets social activities at nursery and the bills are paid.

"women and men with decent careers are better off operating on breast cancer patients or running plcs than being at home doing the dull baby stuff."

I'm very tempted to say that they shouldn't be having babies then, but I know I'll get flamed for that. It would, in any case, be a little hypocritical being a working parent myself.

I must stress however that I'm a working parent out of financial necessity. Yes I happen to enjoy my job and find it rewarding, but if it that was the only consideration then I would be at home with DS. As his mother I feel that is my duty, rightly or wrongly.

I would agree though that the nature of one's job before a baby does have an impact on how you feel about babycare. My DH happened to have reached a point in his career where he was fed up with working away from home (as was I) and just didn't enjoy the work any more. So it wasn't a difficult decision for him to make.

But Xenia, if you really think that's all there is to raising a child, then I think by using full time nannies you've been missing out on so so much.

So do you think men shouldn't have children then if they continue as surgeons, soldiers and the like when they have children?

I just never got that argument that if you have child you should be with it 24/7. Many people work because they choose to. In my view everyone does in a welfare state.

If someone has a view that a child needs a blood parent with it 24/7 then why does anyone work? The state will pay you to stay at home if you are a single parent and if you genuinely believe children suffer psychologically because they are not with a blood related parent 24/7 rather than a loving granny, neighbour, sibling, nanny or childminder or nursery, then why do people con themselves they work because they have to? What you really jmen is I want to buy my own home or buy posh buggies or nice shoes or eat organic rather than value and I am putting that above my child. It is never really I work because I have to.

I work because I choose to and I think it is better for children. But we will never settle that point on mumsnet. However women have always worked and always will work and most with under 5s work so if you just look about you you will see lots of happy well adjusted children whose parents happen to work. They are often doing what is best for the child

If you use a full time nanny for children udner 5 most parents still have time with the child in the morning, then time after work ( and for people with babies like mine many hours cuddling and breastfeeding at nigth) so it's not like we pack them off abroad and see them when they're five.

es.

I would add that I do would not need to work for financial reasons. DW just has a much better position than I - so would work. As I said I myself would go crazy with out the adult interaction.

As indeed would many women and yet you still get this guilt stuff pushed on to mothers (rarely fathers) who think it's boring a home all the time. A better balanced life is work, hobbies and children and that makes you a better parent. Many parents who don't have to work, heiresses, my ex nanny's Indian family in Kenya etc who can hire people to help with the tedium of childcare today and in history have always let other people help with the baby. It is bizarre that anyone would want just to do babycare 24 hours a day.

Firstly it is NOT bizarre that someone should fell happy and comfortable to offer full time care to the child they concevied and gave birth too. I find it bizarre that someone as apparently well educated as yourself cannot appreciate that people are different, with different values and aspirations, likes dislikes from your own. That does not make them 'right' or you 'wrong' just different.

Secondly, you have an ivory tower view of the world xenia that simply does not exist for most people in this country. Many many parents HAVE to continue to work to PAY THE BILLS not because they want a beter house or a bigger car (although there's nothing wrong with that in itself).

I work full time and my dh is at home- this would not be my ideal situation as I would prefer to have the option of being there a little more for my ds ,however, we still have help with the childcare and my dh rarely has to do a full day of looking after the baby on his own. I read a study recently that children looked after full time by their dads tend to develop a little later, i'm sure a sweeping generalisation but men and women do tend to interact differently with children . My hubby and son have a wonderful relationship and I can't help thinking that they will truly be grateful for the time they spend together BUT it is a difficult ask for a man to look after a child full time. As isolating as it is for a woman I think it is 10x that for a man...coffee mornings, gymbabies, monkey music are the domain of women and I found them invaluable whilst on my maternity leave because I met other women to share experiences with, without this outlet I would have felt lost..... how does a SAHD get the same outlet?

Oh I would imagine there might be a lot of truth in that - I do not think that I would be able to just talk all the time like my sister did with her DD - it was non stop, always explainning and talking shall we do this or that. I would get batty.

oooh, flashman.......you threw your wifes shoes out?????

I hope she buys killer heels once baby is here and stamps on your feet, very very hard!!!!

To be fair I did not throw them out I gave them to heart foundation 0 and she did not wear them - and it has almost been a week and they have not been missed yet. Proving I was right!!

How is the hand and arm now Psychomum?

fine thankyou (well, ok as long as I don;t tunr my head too far to the left......but driving is ok), altho I now look like a klingon as DD3 had a massive nosebleed yesterday and in my panic, I managed to run headfirst in a doorframe and ended up flat out on the floor, giving DH yet another reason to sigh at me.......

and, I guess you were doing a good turn if you gave them to charity.......

I look like a klingon due to a huge bump on my head BTW......my teeth rattled and I even saw stars.......I ran well

Ouch!!! Perhaps you need to Mum proof your house?

LOL.

have been advised bed rest today to help me not hit third stupid accident.

am taking advice....DD3 is in need of much TLC, so not hard