To not want to be a Stay at Home Dad

[Flashman]

It is something that the DW has floated into conversation - She likes the idea that rather than nursery I quit work to look after "Pinky". Now my first reaction has been to say No. Not because I think it is "woman" work or anything like that - just because I really think I would go mad being at home, and think it must be fucking hard work. She is not too keen on nursery. However it is not really a choice her quitting work.

I'm taking bets as to whether this will kick off over twelvelegs saying babies should be at home until 18 months.

i hope you are happy with whatever you both decide.

be aware what ever you chose you wont please all the people all the time, and boy oh boy don't some people (esp on MN) just love to opine on someone else's choice

you decide

....and to hell with what anyone else thinks

My sister is a FD. SHe works full time from 8.30-4.30 so drops kids at CM at 8.00 and collects them at 5.00. SHe'll also work in the eve when kids are in bed. Her DH also works FT but much longer hours and travels a lot. She's also worked FT hours over 4 days in a similar position, so it is possible.

Random thoughts:

I am a SAHM and am still not quite sure how that happened.

If you become a full-time SAHF you will go mad.

It is far better for babies and small children up to the age of 3 to be looked after by one person, ideally their parent, at home, than in a nursery environment with lots of other children however fantastic the nursery, sorry but it's true.

My suggestion is that you enjoy your DW's 6 months of leave and share as much of the work of looking after the baby as you can. Well before her leave is up find a childminder or nanny (a nanny is just like a babysitter but works during the day, takes child out and gives them lunch etc) who will look after the baby 2 or 3, or more, half-days a week this allowing you to remain sane and even work part-time or whatever you want to do.

flashman... adult interaction? what the hell do you think mumsnet is for?

Seriously, I agree with everyone who has said to see how you feel when the baby is born, your DW may feel that she only wants to go back to work part time, or not at all. YOu may decide that you can never bear to be parted from pinky for even a second and leap into sahd-ness.

Things to be thinking about in the meantime are: nurseries, nannies, child minders, and if you do decide to be a sahd, parent & toddler groups, tumbletots, baby singing groups, things like that all give you a reason to go out of the house, and as a dad you will not go short of conversation from all those bored mums.

And, fwiw, I was a sahm with dd1 for a little while and it drove me potty, I couldn't wait to get back to work. But when dd2 and ds came along I would have chewed off my right arm to not have to go back to work. LUckily I still have all my limbs - and no job

Flashman - I think you've been given very good advice on here. There are a lot of different options. The two of you need to start discussing this now, but bear in mind that you may both feel differently once the baby arrives, and then differently again 6 months /12 months down the line. It's daft to make fixed decisions in advance of the birth, and equally daft to make fixed decisions immediately after the birth IMO. Before my first dd was born, I would probably have said I'd be back at work full time within weeks. The night she was born, sitting in bed cradling my PFB I'd probably have said I'd never set foot in the workplace again! And the reality was that 3 months later I was back 3 days a week with dd settled at her CM!! So bear in mind that how you feel now will change, and change again, maybe several times. At least these days maternity leave is longer and enables you to take stock and think things through. Of course YANBU to think you don't want to be a full time SAHP - not everyone is cut out for it. There's a lot about it that's repetitive, not very interesting and it can be isolating. Particularly in the early days - IMO children become more interesting as they get older! Also, a good CM or nursery can be hugely beneficial to the child.
BTW Fluffy, I think it probably won't kick off over twelvelegs comment.... anyone who says children need to be at home full time till they are 18 months is not worth responding to!

I was treating that comment with the contempt it deserved fluffy, and trying to actually help the OP. I did consider kicking right off, but I have got into too many of these SAHP/WOHP things to bother now. If she wants to think herself by dafault superior just by being in the same room as her child, irrespective of what is happening, fine.

See what I did there, I kicked off anyway didn't I? Damn.

Just because your DW doesn't like the idea of a nursery it's no reason for you to give up work. Imagine the outcry if it were a DH saying to his wife that no child of his was going to a nursery so she'd better give up work now!

As the others have said there are loads of ways to be flexible.

Go for the CM angle - plus maybe go to 4 days a week if you can? Or she can?

Good luck

whoops I spoke too soon. Shitemum's off..

'It is far better for babies and small children up to the age of 3 to be looked after by one person, ideally their parent, at home, than in a nursery environment with lots of other children however fantastic the nursery, sorry but it's true.'

Your opinion. That's all. It doesnt make it true.

Oh see, Shitemum took twelvelegs' position and just totally out-SAHMed her. Hope twelvelegs feels crap now - 18 months isn't good enough, its got to be 3 now.

Or 18, or even 21 - go on, keep your child at home, tied to your leg until they are 21. Never let them out, clearly they will be well adjusted then.

I dare you, otherwise you are truly a shitemum and don't deserve to have children.

I'm fucking off now. Bored of the same old SAHM/WOHM arguments.

oh yawn the-barking-at-da-moon-nursery-haters pop up every damn were.best ignored imo

Just smile, nod your head and see how you both feel after the baby has arrived.
I was putting my baby into a nursery until I actually had him.

maybe twelvelegs is talkin out her six arses -again--

scottishMummy

Flashman - DH ended up being a SAHD due to very similar circumstances. His work was contracting and involved a week or more at a time away from home. It wasn't going to work for us. It was all or nothing, because no childcare arrangement could accommodate his erratic work patterns. He took the plunge and I'll be honest has sometimes regretted it. BUT most of the time he enjoys being at home with DS.

We did end up compromising by putting DS in nursery for one day a week, just to give DH some time to himself which really helped him. Now DS is nearly 2 and he goes 1 1/2 days a week. I have compressed my week to 4 1/2 days and DH works two days a week doing something completely different from what he used to do.

DH has said himself that whilst it is definitely the hardest job he's ever done, it's also the most rewarding.

shitemum saying 'it's true' does not make it so.

it's YOUR opinion, not fact, big difference

hey pinky is my name!

Well we call DW the Brain for years - just seemed natural that unborn would be Pinky.

so if you're not pinky, who are you?

but i am pinky! I'm def not the brain! :S

It always amazes me that one is not entitled to air an opinion without people thinking it's up for a mass of conflict. I do think children are best at home with a parent until 18 months and research indicates this to be so, however I did not say they 'should do this'. The same sort of research that says benefits of bf your baby are more than just the content of the bf, but I still don't think all women should breastfeed regardless of how they feel about it. For a start if neither parent wants to be there then I can't really think how that's best for a child or if the situation would be financially crippling then obviously not best for the family, which is made up of many parts not just a baby!!
Not surprising that the usual torrent of unnecessary abuse comes along from the same boring camps. Also note that I had offered flashman the opinion that he should do what's right for him which may include putting the child in a nursery or with a nanny/cm.

If your DW is concerned about nursery situation, then do look into childminders/nanny option. Being looked after in a home environment was what I looked for when I went back to work after ds (freelance).

But I do know heaps of people who've been happy with the nurseries they chose.

Yawn, the same old crap coming from woman who think nobody is allowed to have a different opinion coming up.... off to watch something less boring like a little paint dry....

Don't lots of women feel like this though? They are the lower earner with the couple either not being able to afford childcare or not wanting the child to be looked after by someone else!??

Don't they just put up with it whether they like it or not and accept that the roll kind of falls to them as the best family solution! I'm not saying it is right, - but I reckon there is some truth in what I am saying!