To not want to be a Stay at Home Dad

[Flashman]

It is something that the DW has floated into conversation - She likes the idea that rather than nursery I quit work to look after "Pinky". Now my first reaction has been to say No. Not because I think it is "woman" work or anything like that - just because I really think I would go mad being at home, and think it must be fucking hard work. She is not too keen on nursery. However it is not really a choice her quitting work.

erm, senior staff CAN work flexibly

i know plenty who do - work from home, start and finish earlier etc

Twelevlegs - it was mentioned before conception - and at the time I thought that would be a great idea - stay at home - play playstation - look after baby how hard can it be??? - however conception has taken 7 years - I am now 31 like job and stuff - and never actually said that my feelings had changed - but i asumed that as we had looked round a nursery that was where things were heading - then a bombshell today.

your DW is being unreasonable if she tries to force you to be a sahd.

however, i thikn you need to look at all teh options

SAHP

nursery

childminder

nanny

and the options for your DW to amend her hours etc....

and she needs to acknowledge thing will change in the home and work dynamic with the arrival of the baby, whether she believes it or not.

look round some nurseries and get a feel for things.

being a SAHP is hard , but also rewarding.

LOL at playing on the playstation!

i take it your bubble has been burst somewhat ...

and have you only discussed it once in 7 years?

Holy Moley!! If your DW has the earning power then you need to do the convincing, nothing worse than feeling you've no other option.
I really feel for you, sit back and wait for the birth and be armed with options!!

you are a couple you need to negotiate,possibly compromise.no parent should be compelled to SAH if they dont want too

you both need to meet each other halfway and list and consider options

this is not a gender issue, it is a parenting issue.working out practicalities and preferences

As others have said, there are all sorts of options. eg at 6m your child could go to nursery 2 days pw, your dw could go back ft and you would be left "holding th baby" 3 days, with shared care at weekends. Or get a nanny (what's your line of work ?) while you woh/wah for however many days you want to do so pw. Or your dw might change her mind ! baby isn't even here yet. No need to decide yet.

My dh did manage to multi task - he found a way of balancing dd on his wrists while holding PS2 console. Only when she was v small obv.

Anyway, it's a joint decision, she is BU if she expects to just order you to sah.

Err really once I was very strongly that I would do it - however never really thought it would happen, so was not something that was repeatly spoken about.

Oh and the playstation thing - i was only 24 - I might have also mentioned that I would soon have a baby in a pattern that suited me - I mean how hard can it be! My mother has been taking delight in reminding me of all these comments I had.

really only once?!

anyhoo, i think the general consensus on this thread is that it has to be a joint decision, and you both have to be happy with it

Of course you shouldn't be a SAHP if you don't want to be. And nor should your wife. But both of you may find that your feelings are different when DC is actually here - you may both want to work p/t or flexible hours (if that is possible) or be fighting over the stay at home role. Or both be happy to send DC to a nursery/nanny/CM. Your child will not spontaneously combust or become instantly fucked up just because you employ some professional childcare, not matter what some on here will have you believe. It will be fine - you will make it work for you and your family which is the only thing that matters.

(You can tell it's a Sunday evening and my brain is frazzled, I have started sentences with the words "And", "But" and "Or". With some better drafting I could avoid these grammatical faux pas but I can't be bothered.)

I work part time (three days a week) and I think it's the best of it. I get to spend the beginning of the week doing gorgeous fun toddler things with my gorgeous fun toddler and then just when I'm beginning to think "if I have to read this Thomas the Tank Engine story one more time I might have to burn it" I get to go to work and have some adult conversation and use my brain. Oh, and the most important bit, go to the toilet on my own.

Having said that, before ds turned up I had no idea what I would want to do and the first 6 months at home were really pretty dull. Don't stress too much, look round the nurseries/cms, maybe sound out the part time thing with your employer and don't make any hard and fast decisions until the baby turns up.

Hi Flash, agree with all lovely positive comments here, especially you shouldn't be forced to be SAHD, wait until pfb born as dw may change view radically, look around more nurseries as maybe dw has reservations about the one you viewed and just hasn't aired them.

dd started nursery at 10 weeks, has been fine ever since, loves her key workers and nursery girly 'posse'. I totally agree with RubySlippers, although nursery look after dd we've 'shaped' her.

And...welcome to mummie and daddie-land

I swore I would go back to work at 6 months, work full-time, DD in nursery etc.

I have now been a SAHM for over 4 years.

Your feelings can change when you have a baby. You need to keep talking about all of your options. Dont make any set decisions yet because if one of you gets pushed into a corner it may be hard to change your mind. And that includes your DW working part-time, from home, flexible hours, au pair, nanny, childminder, nursery, SAHD, you part-time and then part-time nursery etc. You have LOADS of options.

oh I think the DW liked the actual place - it just seems to be concept. The think I have realised while sitting here tonight is with nursery that each month we shall have to hand over the cost of a

Wii
PS3
Xbox 360, which is not a way I had really considered it before. Fleecing Bastards!

It IS very expensive. Is it an option for you BOTH to work part-time? She could do 4 days work/1 childcare and you do do 3 work/2 childcare, with a childminder for the other 2 days?

Have your employers got a nursery voucher scheme? Ours have Busy Bees which saves me roughly £1,000/year. Take a look at this page.

Would you want it to be cheap though? After all, they are paying for people to look after your child. I wouldn't want dis-satisfied numpties on tuppence hapenny looking after my DD.

YANBU. A year spent at home takes you down about five steps on most career ladders. The long term effects are quite damaging in employment terms.

Also it would drive me utterly demented - so if you feel it is not for you, don't do it.

All well and good discussing these things now but the baby isn't here yet and when he/she is, it will rock both of your worlds in ways that you can't yet begin to imagine. The wise man steers!

dp is p**sing himself laughing about Wii, PS3 & Xbox 360 post...

You should not be made to make a career move you dont want to. This takes you down as Quattro says. You need to look for other options.

I have used a variety of childcare options. When my first was born I started working part time from home (My dh and I run our own company, I manage the finances). He started nursery at 6 months old, 3 days per week. The other two days I was home with him. This was going fine till our second was born, and we got an Au Pair. Since then we have used a combination of AU Pair and nursery (she would bring him and pick him up 3 days per week, the other 2 days he would be a few hours with her per day).

Your child will start school at 4, and you may possibly not want a 4 year long career gap.

If it is not possible for you to work part time, you can maybe negotiate some parental leave with your work, and take it when at six months your partner goes back to work. Research options such as childminder, nursery or nanny. Nurseries are great, as the child will be well taken care of, get plenty of stimulation and learn social skills too. Good Luck!

Yes Flashman, it cost a lot of money. A good London nursery will provide 3 meals per day, and a snack:

8 am breakfast
11 am snack
13 pm lunch
16 pm tea

All cooked fresh on the premises. I remember paying £700 or therabours for 3 days per week.

We pay 750 per month for 4 days per week, we pay for 8 to 6 but DS is actually there 8.30 to 5.15, we just need the flexibility not being tied to 9 to 5 gives us.

For that we get:-

all activities, paints, paper etc
nappies and wipes provided (inc making father's day card and gift (same at Christmas, DS had "made" us gifts and a card, and mothering sunday and easter)

3 cooked meals per day

milk included - choice of formula

option of breast milk bank

snacks

when old enough to be taken out, use of minibus for trips to local farm, village centre etc included

beautiful gardens with play equipment, giant climbing frame/wendy house pirate ship thing

hydrotherapy pool and multi sensory room

lovely, lovely, lovely staff who adore DS.

Shop around, it is the same as any other professional service, you will find one you are comfortable with eventually.