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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a Stay at Home Dad

191 replies

Flashman · 15/06/2008 19:15

It is something that the DW has floated into conversation - She likes the idea that rather than nursery I quit work to look after "Pinky". Now my first reaction has been to say No. Not because I think it is "woman" work or anything like that - just because I really think I would go mad being at home, and think it must be fucking hard work. She is not too keen on nursery. However it is not really a choice her quitting work.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:38

Dont worry flashman, I did the same with my dhs shoes....

findtheriver · 15/06/2008 22:39

LOL Twelvelegs - the thread was running very interestingly with lots of positive comments until you couldnt resist popping up with your view that it's 'better' for a child to be at home with a parent for 18 months! I am not jumping on a soapbox at all! I havent stated a view on what is 'best' for anyone else's children. I have not twisted your words - I've quoted what you said!
For the final time (because, yes, it's very tedious) just because you or your partner may have stayed at home with your child for 18 months it does NOT therefore follow that this is 'better' for children. Simple!

ScottishMummy · 15/06/2008 22:39

i presume your missus only has two svelte feet, she doesn't need all those shoes.less is more

findtheriver · 15/06/2008 22:41

Flashman - run!!!!

Original poster
Flashman · 15/06/2008 22:44

Ha svelte feet - they just look like hippo feet now -

it was getting on my nevers - we have argued so much about these shoes and lack of use - i just thought fuck it - they are gone - I am now interested to see how long it is before it comes and bites me in the arse!!!

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 15/06/2008 22:46

she will definitively kick yer arse about "hippo feet"

Original poster
Flashman · 15/06/2008 22:49

oh no - Hippo feet are what she calls them. I tend to think of them as right angled triangles!

OP posts:
findtheriver · 15/06/2008 22:50

Flashman - you will have to run far far away after that!!

ScottishMummy · 15/06/2008 22:51

what like kraft cheese slices? or post modern triangle shaped metatarsals.congratulations on pg how exciting

Twinklemegan · 15/06/2008 22:54

Flashman - I've just asked DH and he says his advice would a) be wait and see how you both feel and b) if you do decide to be a SAHD, make sure your wife takes as much time off on maternity leave as possible to enable you to adjust. TBH, if she takes her full entitlement, then by the time she goes back she should feel OK with the LO going to nursery.

ScooperThompson · 15/06/2008 23:41

Haven't had time to read all of this thread but.....
DW and I run a business together and she is a sahm and I cannot believe it when friends say things to her like "What do you do all day while he is at work", etc. etc.
When I do a day at home with the children I am completely wiped out, I have to go back to work to have a rest...!!
And she also gets involved in the business when children are in bed and any other spare minute we can find.
It's just the hardest thing you can do, but if you can manage to do it well, you can at least hold your head up high as you walk into the Toddlers Group with dried food stains and worse all over your clothes.

RosaLuxembunting · 15/06/2008 23:58

I have three DDs. The way our childcare worked out was almost like a controlled experiment.
DD1 went to nursery full time from four months. Then fulltime school from three.
DD2 three days a week care from nanny/childminder
DD3 home fulltime with me.
Guess what. They are all lovely, happy, kind, polite and well-adjusted children. They all have good values and high self-esteem. I don't think our childcare choices have altered their essential personalities even slightly.
Do what feels right for you, Flashman.

Fluffybitoffun · 16/06/2008 08:46

Oh, fgs.

Twelvelegs, the research I believe you're referring to actually found that there was a small detrimental affect on children whose mothers returned to full-time employment before the child was 18 months old. This was compounded if the child was looked after by a family such as a grandparent rather than in a formal childcare setting.

The research did not make a sweeping generalisaton that all babies under 18 months did better with one full-time parent at home. In fact, it found that those from very low income families did better with a working mother than a SAHM.

If you are going to quote the "research" then get it right.

MrsBumblebee · 16/06/2008 09:22

My DH loves DS (9 months) to bits, but would rather chew his own arm off than be a SAHD. IMO it's a great thing to do if you want to do it, but if you don't, it's no good for you or the child. Babies (particularly of 6 months plus) need constant attention, and if you can't provide that with a smile on your face (most of the time - obviously we all have crap days), then your child is probably better off in a good nursery where the staff are paid to provide that. I don't mean to sound critical, not at all - some people (e.g. my DH) just don't enjoy stimulating young children for hours on end, and if you don't, then neither of you will end up having much fun. Just try to make sure that you don't work such long hours that you don't get to spend any time with your child. Oh, and if you DO decide to stay at home and you find a way to get any Playstation played, then PLEASE come on and share it - my Tombraider skills have gone seriously downhill since I became a SAHM...

Original poster
Flashman · 16/06/2008 09:34

I have no idea if I could stimulate a young child not done it yet. And I have been giving some thought to playstation and baby - and have realised - sling. On another thread I asked about slings and carriers and most people said the great advantage is hands free - so I think put child in sling and you are away.

OP posts:
AitchTwoCiao · 16/06/2008 09:49

flashman, i just wanted to go against the grain and say that it's not that hard looking after a baby. if it's a good, easy-to-settle baby it's a bit of a doddle, tbh, and there will be plenty of time for playstation (with some washing and tidying thrown in). that's why you should wait and see what the baby is like before deciding.

as for the great twelvelegs issue... what's the problem? not spent any time on the WOHM vs SAHM mothers but is anything she's said factually incorrect? absolutely not necessary for that to turn personal, imo, we're all entitled to express an opinion. the whole guilt thing isn't a pick and mix, if you're taking the best decision for you and your whole family, you surely can't then turn round and bleat about feeling guilty when someone points out that it may not be the absolute best thing for the child in that family? (btw, sahm freelancer here, flashman, was back working at 6 weeks, can't you do any of your work at night?)

choosyfloosy · 16/06/2008 12:56

Lots and lots of advice on this thread.. .why am I jumping in now? Oh why not. When pregnant I looked at 1 nursery, thought 'this is nice' and booked ds in. After the birth I realised that there were lots of other nurseries around which I hadn't considered, plus lots of other childcare options. As more and more parents explained their rationales for choosing childcare, I realised I hadn't had a clue (well, I knew it at the time really). Also one very nice woman let slip something she hated about the nursery I'd chosen - I'd never realised that it was an option not to have it that way. Why would I? I haven't spent much of my adult life hanging out in nurseries.

In the end ds never went to nursery. When ds was 10 months old I met with one lovely childminder, and ds went to her for 2 weeks, and throughout that time I felt utterly miserable. The environment and routine were quite wrong for him, or anyway for me (and different from what she had said they would be). But we were very short of money... so as a last-ditch effort I tried a nanny-share - which was wonderful from the first day. I cannot describe to you the difference between a childcare situation you are happy with, and one you are not.

I think your dw has given you a big signal that she is not happy with the childcare environment you looked at. She may have been subconsciously relying on you still wanting to be a SAHD - but it's absolutely fine that you changed your mind, why on earth not!

why not sketch out a few options now before the baby is born? And those options really should include her giving up work as well (remember is is NOT forever). Get a flipchart or whatever and number all the options so that they each have a neutral title. Try and take some time to meet with some childminders or whatever, even if they don't have vacancies at the moment . Get the full list from the Childcare Information Service and spend some time on it; ask around (antenatal classes/teacher?) about nannies too. Then leave it until after the big event. A few weeks in, you can mention 'so how are you feeling about Option 12 now then?' and see what comes out. Best of luck.

Original poster
Flashman · 16/06/2008 13:02

I don't think it was a subconsciously relying - I admit that I did say that I would do it - I imagine that she could have a thread saying that I am unresonable for suddenly changing my mind.

OP posts:
WowOoo · 16/06/2008 13:07

My dh just couldn't do it full time. But, as he's more domesticated now nad more confident with our youngest he could easily do 1 or 2 days a week. He said he'd like both of best worlds. And a cleaner. ANd a cook! Doesn't help sorry!

choosyfloosy · 16/06/2008 13:07

She could have a thread, yes, but just because you post an AIBU don't mean shee-yit, sistah, it don't mean you ain't been unreasaonble your own damn self, y'heah?

Life's changing. Ride the wave.

MrsBumblebee · 16/06/2008 13:08

Hmm, nice idea Flashman, but my DS would only ever stop screaming if the person wearing the sling was mobile. So I got a lot of TV watched while walking round and round the living room, but not so good for PS2.

I think the 'wait and see' thing is a very good idea. As Aitch says, you don't know what kind of baby you'll have yet. As you say, you don't yet know how you'll feel about spending a lot of time at home with a baby. And also, your wife doesn't know how she'll feel about going back to work - she might be desperate to go back after a month, or she might decide she can't bear to leave the baby after all, or only wants to go back part time. The trouble with being a bloke, is that you don't get a year's leave to try out full time parenthood before you make a decision. Have they introduced that law yet where mothers can transfer part of their maternity leave to their partners??? That would at least give you the chance to try out SAHD-hood and see how you get on.

Original poster
Flashman · 16/06/2008 13:14

Mrs Bumblebee - I am hoping that from an early age that they are trainable - and he / she will learn to fit into my patterns!!

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 16/06/2008 13:15

Flashman

Wait and see about the childcare arrangements.

It will all be different in 6 months time.

Before I had ds1 I decided that I would hand him over straight away to the staff so "he could get used to being with others and I could get some sleep" - and indeed, they could have done that, had they had an electric cattle prod and enough drugs to fell an elephant, because once I had him in my arms, I would have torn limb from limb anyone who tried to take him away.

All this is academic anyway, you are going to DIE when she finds out you have charity shopped her shoes, and you might be sent around the shops to buy them back.

Original poster
Flashman · 16/06/2008 13:18

Smugcolditz - not been noticed yet about the shoes - and I am thinking that by the time she does notice there will be a baby - and she will not have the energy!!!

And I am planning to take the moral high ground and tell her it was her fault - I did say to sort them out and she did not so I took action!

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 16/06/2008 13:19

Flashman - I understand that they are trainable - but you have to have quite a lot of backbone to train them into your patterns, rather than just let them train you into their patterns, which I think is what happened in our household