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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a Stay at Home Dad

191 replies

Flashman · 15/06/2008 19:15

It is something that the DW has floated into conversation - She likes the idea that rather than nursery I quit work to look after "Pinky". Now my first reaction has been to say No. Not because I think it is "woman" work or anything like that - just because I really think I would go mad being at home, and think it must be fucking hard work. She is not too keen on nursery. However it is not really a choice her quitting work.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 15/06/2008 21:49

look at ofsted you can search inspection reports, look for nurseries, CM etc

lots of helpful info

georgiemama · 15/06/2008 21:50

Oh I think people are allowed to have a different opinion, you are the one who stated a "fact".

Never mind, Flashman has your permission to do what is not good enough with his child, so that's ok then.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 21:51

Twelvelegs, FWIW, I agree with you. But I think those of us who have to work prefer not to think about it. There can be enough guilt as it is.

I have had the pleasure for the last three months to look after my three year old son full time (and work after the kids have gone to bed) as he has not got a new nursery place till end of august. I absolutely love it! It has made such a difference in the relationship between me and him. (He has gone to nursery since he was 4 months old, and has also had au pairs in his life.) It is hard work, but much more "fun" than with such a young baby of course, as we go out, to the beach, to playgroups, he help me garden, etc.

ScottishMummy · 15/06/2008 21:53

i work FT. i am guilt free. i am not in dilemma about merits of nursery.it is an oft cited stereotype that working mums must feel "guilty". well nope. no siree

nannynick · 15/06/2008 21:56

I feel it needs to be your choice Flashman. You need to do something you are happy doing... not good for you or Pinky if you are unhappy. There are other childcare options than using nursery - childminder, nanny for example. Also DW and yourself could consider working say 4 days per week, thus giving each of you a day alone with Pinky, two days together with Pinky and Pinky getting rid of you both for 3 days.
I work with children by choice. It is hard work being with children all day long, and you need to be happy doing it. YANBU in wanting to say No.
Being a SAHD does not mean you get no adult interaction - just think of all those coffee mornings, toddler groups, walks in the park. You can even go shopping, take Pinky bowling, nice pub meal at lunchtime. Oh, I'm sure you could come up with ways of meeting other adults, if you were to be a SAHD.

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 21:57

Georgiemama, shhh now. It's tired and boring that you can't allow someone to have a different opinion. My first comment was my opinion, not stated as fact. As for permission you are sounding a little silly and like we're in a playground.
Nobody goes crazy when the merits/ preferences are over nannies, CMs or nurseries. It's just the same.

georgiemama · 15/06/2008 22:01

No, Cms, nurseries and nannies aren't the same.

You may be tired and bored, I am just limbering up.

" I think people are allowed to have a different opinion" - my earlier post. Don't understand what about this you find confusing?

Have a nice day tomorrow watching Trisha and Jeremy Kyle.

findtheriver · 15/06/2008 22:02

Twelvelegs- it's tired and boring (not to mention irrelevant) to state that you think a child is 'better off' at home in the full time care of a parent until the age of 18 months, in response to an OP who is saying he doesnt want to be a full time SAHP!!

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:03

georgiemama, I find you offencive, you are taking this far too personal, atticking another poster like this. It is bad netiquette. Please stop this bickering.

Twinklemegan · 15/06/2008 22:03

Nannynick - it would depend on where Flashman lives though and whether he's happy hanging around with a load of cliquey women. DH has never been happy with that, but thankfully there's enough to do for free around here to keep him and DS occupied.

georgiemama · 15/06/2008 22:05

Who is attacking who? - I am under attack. Anyone who works is under attack. IMust stay with child at home until 18 months/3 years/death. anything else not good enough, but must meely swallow this opinion of own choices and not respond.

I can post what I like, subject to MN.

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:07

Georgiemama, I am far too busy to watch daytime TV. Perhaps your mistaken in my meaning, choices between different care options is the same as the parent as carer option but we don't throw insults around there do we? If a poster says I find nursries more stimulating than a CM she/he is not attacked but the opinion is discussed and the merits of each form of childcare. It all seems rather silly that people get so uptight if someone says I think it's best for a baby and young infant to be at home with a parent, wow what an offensive position???????

findtheriver · 15/06/2008 22:08

I think georgiemama is quite rightly pissed off that what is an interesting thread once again gets soured by the same boring old shite. I thought some good and pertinent points were made on the thread, with really helpful and positive suggestions.... until, oh surprise surprise, someone just cant resist throwing in their tuppence worth that 'of course children must stay at home in the care of one parent until 18 months/3 years/five years/18 years/whatever random age is picked out of a hat!'
It is completely irrelevant to the OP, who was suggesting that he might not actually want to give up his entire job and stay home full time.

georgiemama · 15/06/2008 22:10

thank you findtheriver, I am so glad someone gets it.

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:11

Why is anyone who works under attack? Because I (mmm, last time I checked I wasn't your mother or in any position of responsibility over the nation's families) think it would be better for a baby to be at home with a parent.... oh dear. You could talk about your choices and opinions until your blue in the face but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, it's just the attacking others that I don't get.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/06/2008 22:11

No need to be offencive and cause the thread to derail just because somebody has an opinion, though is there?

This was a perfectly harmless thread, and twelvelegs just stated an opinion.

If you cant take that other people have an opinion, and you start talking out of your arse, it may be time to take a little rest. Get a coffee or something.

Quattrocento · 15/06/2008 22:13

I really get bored by sahp/wohp threads now.

Many people do not have the option of working and have to stay at home because they can't afford childcare costs. FWIW around 80% of parents in the UK have returned to work by the time the child is one year old.

The other 20% are on mumsnet lambasting us for trying to earn an honest crust

Do what suits you as a family. Oh and enjoy the baby in all this

georgiemama · 15/06/2008 22:13

I find your spelling OFFENSIVE with an S.

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:14

I had also stated that many children do very very well with a combination of nursery/cm and parental care. By the sound of it flashman's DW wants a parent at home too.
Grrr I give up..........

Twelvelegs · 15/06/2008 22:14

The other 20% are on mumsnet lambasting us for trying to earn an honest crust....
simply not true.

findtheriver · 15/06/2008 22:15

Twelvelegs - a parent who says that they find X nursery more stimulating than Y childminder is simply making a judgement between two childcare providers, presumably on the evidence that they have seen for themsleves. I looked at several day nurseries for my kids - I preferred one above the others - no problem. That's hugely different from a generalised statement that 'a child is better off at home than in childcare until 18 months'. That is simply a subjective opinion. You don't know what is best for anyone else's child. Maybe a particular situation worked for you. What you cannot do, is deduce from that, that it makes it true for everyone.
As has been pointed out countless times ad nauseum... there are so many variables to consider. eg: A woman who doesnt have an interesting career in the first place may end up staying at home because she prefers it to going out to work. It is far too simplistic to say it's 'better for the child'.

Kewcumber · 15/06/2008 22:16

Flashman - I am an FD and work 4 days - 9-5pm cut my hours right back when DS arrived. I'm not suggesting that your DW ought to just that it isn't as impossible as people in senior financial positions would have you believe.

If you both negotiate a four day week then you could have junior in nursery/CM for 3 days and with one of the rest of you the rest of the time.

Pointless making a decision until you've had junior a fw months and both of you have to face the reality of going back to work. But it is worth disucssing various options now.

(PS - there is no research I know of that says a child is better off being cared for by someone who just doesn;t want to be there.)

(PPS - children cared for in group settings under the age of three are 20% less likely to get leukaemia)

(PPPS - ignore the pointless quoting of pros and cons of working on a child, do what works for your family. I always find that a sane parent is the best for any child)

1973 · 15/06/2008 22:17

Have you considered adoption?

Twinklemegan · 15/06/2008 22:18

Good post Kewcumber.

endymion · 15/06/2008 22:18

I don't see lambasting here.

And just as one poster might find an opinion offensive (i.e. the opinion that children should be with parents when young), the "20%" might be offended by the suggestions that by working one is "using your brain" or that SAHparents watch daytime television.

I think you can choose to be offended in some cases: I choose not to be offended that some people may think I spend my days at home watching Trisha and letting my brain melt into goo.