My 6 yr old has attacked another child

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My 6 yr old is autistic. He was diagnosed very young after some concerning behaviour and unable to do activities at nursery. We have worked hard on behaviour and we have had support.

He has been doing really well in mainstream. But he's been getting rage at home. He's kind and gentle and then when he feels rejected - he gets rage and screams or shouts. Im always there to control it

He's normally fine at school but today he went for another kid. Totally out of control. The teachers didnt get to them in time. The kid has marks all over his face. They said it was bad enough to suspend him but aren't going to because of his diagnosis and because its the 1st time.

I've messaged the mum apologising and saying there are no excuses and I will do everything and anything to prevent it happening again. No reply.

Should I try to talk to her at school gate? Should I just leave it? I know no expectation for her to be understanding. I would be furious.

Any advice on what to do.

If my child had been attacked to the extent of having marks all over their face, I wouldn't want to talk to the parent. If approached at the school gates, I'd have some very choice words for the parent and the child too, autism or no autism.

The parents will be very angry and upset, OP. I think you should leave well alone now. And honestly I think if you had any decency you'd keep your child off school until you have had a chance to speak with the school properly about what the plan is to prevent another violent attack.

This is what schools are like these days, particularly primary. Pretty much half of parents think that their child should have their own 1:1 personal teacher plus a million and one other adjustments. It's chaos.

Not true. I think people are projecting. We are not talking about systematic bullying or a violent child. We are talking about ONE EPISODE. One! Surely that calls for preventive measures to make sure it never happens again- not excluding a 6 year old from school for life.

I've been there.

My 6 year old son ASC and ADHD is on his 4th suspension since November (6th overall). He had EHCP and high award funding.

I used to want to try and fix it with the people involved too. I still do but I've have learnt now it is best to leave it.

(P.s. it sounds like he is on internal suspension so make sure you get that written in email etc as can count for evidence for EHCP.)

This is only going to get much, much worse as the government close special schools and veto exclusions. It won't be long before we see school staff being killed. I work in a main stream primary where a 9 year old attacked his 1 to 1 and nearly killed her.

I think you've answered your own questions. I am not sure I'd send my child back to a school were they'd been attacked like that. May be you have nothing to worry about?

Doesn’t it depend on severity of condition though? I don’t think the PP was saying all autistic children or those with ADHD shouldn’t be in mainstream schools, but those where it is severe enough that other children are at risk or subject to violent attacks perhaps are better schooled elsewhere- for the benefit of all. Living your day in fear of attack is just horrendous, it’s not just the physical harm but the mental injury which continues and can make other children’s lives at school a living hell. Of those five children AU-ADHD in your class @EatMoreChocolate44 , and the three not yet diagnosed, how many of those violently attacked other children, and how many times? The school system simply isn’t funded well enough for the all inclusive school utopia we would all like.

I've read some suggestions about getting the other kid a gift and honestly, I don't think you need to go that far. Don't make your wee one feel he has to buy forgiveness. Trying to find a way for him to apologise himself to the other child is fine but please don't go overboard. He's just a child.

Also a neurotypical 6 year old can also have difficulty understanding consequences, that's why we have criminal ages of responsibilities and other judgements of capacity set at a much higher age. I think we focus heavily on the SEN aspect but it's also still fairly typical.

I hear what you are saying and mainstream isn't the place for everyone. We currently have a couple of children in our foundation stage who are extremely challenging and to be honest are hurting the staff more than their peers regularly. Some staff are going home with bruises. These children don't have any diagnosis or assistants though they are in the process of seeing if there are underlying reasons which are contributing to the behaviour which can take a long time. It is really really difficult for everyone and I'm not sure mainstream is a good fit for these kids. Attacked is quite a strong word because at this age the non SEN children hurt eachother all the time. I had some aggressive behaviour from my SEN children last year but it didn't go beyond what nearly every class in every school is dealing with. For the most part they were coping well in mainstream school. I have no SEN children this year and I had an incident last wk involving 2 of my girls fighting each other. I have two boys who are best friends, who play well most of the time but they also hurt eachother at times too. 5 and 6 year olds are still learning how to play, share, turn take and regulate their emotions. We are there to support them. If a child is regularly being hurt by the same child then absolutely something needs to be done but children loosing their temper and hurting eachother is a regular occurrence in every playground in every primary school. The staff deal with it the best way they can by talking to parents, modelling good behaviour to the children through puppets, social stories, circle time, issuing sanctions, consequences (which can be difficult as some parents are up in arms if their child looses 5 minutes of play), lots of discussions, praise, rewards and trying to step in before things escalate etc. It is difficult to suspend a child even without SEN. Behaviour is getting worse across the board and there is very little we can do about it.

Some children just cannot be made to behave though. It’s these kids that need to be educated elsewhere. 30 kids to one teacher only has a hope of giving an effective education when that teacher can teach. She can’t teach if she’s trying to stop a child from ripping up some work, or the other child needs their nappy changed etc etc. get the children who need extra help out of the classroom so that the teacher has a hope of teaching, and the other children have a hope of learning. This is the most economically effective way to get a good education into the majority of our children. This reduces the chances of the majority of our children witnessing traumatic scenes at school, and stops the majority of children seeing school as a place of fear.

And then throw lots more resources at the other places of education for those that struggle in a mainstream setting. Merging everyone together into one big violent and disruptive blob helps no one!

I am in a very similar situation to you OP with an autistic child - I even have a thread on it but it's in Education>SEN section where the replies are more measured. Take a look if you want.

Initially when my 5 year old was rough to a particular child I messaged to apologise and it was taken positively, however the behaviour has escalated in a really upsetting way and I don't message the mum anymore. Although you mean well just let them focus on their kid - don't make them hold space for your feelings as well. I think about the other child a lot and hope that they have a little bit of empathy for our situation as well, as they are nice people, but at the end of the day they have to focus on theirs, and me on mine.

Unbelievable to blame teachers for this.

They didn't blame the teachers. They are blaming the school system. A system that if we are honest isn't meeting the needs of any of our children - let alone children with additional needs.
Is it any wonder that kids gets dysregulated and overstimulated when we shove 30 of them or more into a small space and expect them to sit still and pay attention for way longer than they can handle with little or no support.
It's not the teachers fault - it's the systems fault.

I think you did the right thing messaging the other parent once to say sorry, but definitely leave it now.

I would be speaking to the school again. Honestly I think it may have been better if they suspended your DS, both for the other child's sake and as it may help him understand how serious this was. Would be evidence for the EHCP as well.

Either way needs to be a line in the sand, it clearly can't happen again. You need to work with your DS at home on understanding that but the school need strategies as well and you need to know what they are for everyone's sake.

You said rejection was a trigger for your DS, it's likely to be more than just the child who was attacked who is now uncomfortable around him. Some other children who saw/know about it are likely to be wary as well. You need a strategy for dealing with that or it could happen again and just become a vicious cycle.

You keep sending your child in when you know they are increasingly violent to another child… and hope the other child’s parents have empathy for you?!! I’ve really read it all now…

The rage at home is because he has spent the entire day masking. As soon as he gets home he needs to let it all out.

Would you rather they didn't have an education? Many SEN kids aren't severe enough for special schools and they need to go to school. Maybe lay the blame at the school who aren't protecting the child being attacked and who aren't meeting the needs of the child doing the attacking.

Also understand autistic children act younger than they. My autistic son is four but acts like a young three.

Bit harsh if it is first time. All children should get one chance to make amends.

Your child should not be around other children if he does something like this. That other poor child and the others who will also be upset by this. You need to keep him at home until you can guarantee that anyone else won’t be attacked.

That goes for every child of that age then.

Safety first , inclusion second.

Yes, yes it does ! I’m fact, had this child not been autistic he WOULD have been suspended.

What does that mean? Not every 6 yo is attacking others?

I have all the sympathy for your children. My son has been there as well. However since then I have learnt a fair bit about SEN due to my other child having SEN needs. It isn't just as easy as pulling the child out of school sadly, even if the parents wanted to.

Im not familiar with English sen process. But school should bow be doing somehting like an emergency risk assessment of your child and submitting it to relevant authority

Get onto whoever does the educational plans and explain your child has attacked and hurt another child due to needs bot being met. Look up legislation and get some legal advice if needed. You need to push push push for the ehcp now!!!

Get to sen sos, NAS - someone who can advocate for you and your child ASAP.

You may also want to consider if mainstream can meet his needs. If he is trying to hold it all together and exploding at home he may need a different environment

Above all you need to become a pushy sen parent to get that ehcp