My 6 yr old has attacked another child

[FeelShame]

My 6 yr old is autistic. He was diagnosed very young after some concerning behaviour and unable to do activities at nursery. We have worked hard on behaviour and we have had support.

He has been doing really well in mainstream. But he's been getting rage at home. He's kind and gentle and then when he feels rejected - he gets rage and screams or shouts. Im always there to control it

He's normally fine at school but today he went for another kid. Totally out of control. The teachers didnt get to them in time. The kid has marks all over his face. They said it was bad enough to suspend him but aren't going to because of his diagnosis and because its the 1st time.

I've messaged the mum apologising and saying there are no excuses and I will do everything and anything to prevent it happening again. No reply.

Should I try to talk to her at school gate? Should I just leave it? I know no expectation for her to be understanding. I would be furious.

Any advice on what to do.

All of you saying the DC should have a 1:1, who is going to pay for that?

@FeelShame So so sorry for you. I know the feeling of guilt and shame when your child has done something that goes against everything you have taught him. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. You have sent a message to say you're sorry- now back away. The other parent will be angry ofcourse so don't expect forgiveness. What you can do is ofcourse bring your child to his regular therapy (I suppose he's with cahms) and tell them what happened. Work on strategies with your son so he knows what to do next time he's angry. Has he got 1:1? If not talk to school and set up a plan together- when your son feels like he's going to lose it he must have a plan and the school must be onboard. It could be anything from running around on the school yard to having a mini tent in class he can crawl and do breathing exercices to call down. You know your son and what works. It's important that this doesn't happen agains- for the other children but also for your son- so work with him to find a* *strategy. So sorry for you. Been there💐.

For what it's worth i think you did the right thing apologising but don't be offended she didn't reply and dont follow up with her. She needs time to process and she'll get over it in time. Its not your fault or your child's fault. Doesn't mean the behaviour is ok as you've already acknowledged which is great but let the school deal with the right approach now.

My DC was physically attacked by another child at primary school. The parents contacted us directly with a waffly ‘apology’, we didn’t reply (we were worried about the impact on our DC, and too furious with the situation as there were indications of escalating behaviour issues with this child). The parents then kept messaging us, it felt like we were being harassed to ‘forgive and move on’. I would leave them alone. You’ve said your piece.

I hope your son gets the additional support he needs but (and I mean this kindly) the child he attacked and their family don’t owe you anything.

You are absolutely being vitriolic, and also completely unsympathetic to the OP, who will be feeling completely devastated I would imagine.
I always wonder about people who seem to gleefully comment in such a negative way on posts like these, what do you actually get out of it?

Her kid was attacked and the kid who did it will still be in school tomorrow, with her son. Leave her alone. I was that mum and the constant “I’m sorry, he’s autistic” from the bully’s mum nearly pushed me over the edge. Years and years of my kid being attacked by the same kid, who was never punished because “autism.” No. I don’t want to hear the mum making excuses and giving empty apologies when she should have pulled her son out of school because he was out of control.

Mine had it all through primary and then 2 years of high school. That’s when I called the police. It stopped. Funny that.

Leave her alone.
School is supposed to be a safe place for you to entrust others to keep your child from any form of harm.
I would be absolutely furious and not be 'cool' with an apology knowing the very next day my child could potentially be under violent attack again.

Why would she? He has to be educated. It’s the law.

I know I’m not capable of home schooling my little darlings, so school it is.

This is often the case for TAs at special schools too

Please, I am astounded by your insensitivity and lack of insight

Tead the reply above yours from moveonthecards. The parents of the injured child do not owe anyone understanding or sympathy

In an ideal world all children would have the right placement. Sadly they’re just not available.

I feel for you OP. You’ve done all you can to try to make amends. Your child won’t be the first nor last to go for another child. Much older children with better impulse control and without additional needs do it too! Keep giving love, keep up the boundaries, keep speaking with the school about what they’re putting in place to support, keep doing everything you’re already doing.

I have some sympathy when my DD is hurt by the child in her nursery class with additional needs compared with when she is hurt by the child without, but I would be furious at this. If the school cannot keep all the children safe, it is not the place for your son, unfortunately. I'm sorry OP, this must be really hard for you but it will also be really hard for the parent of the injured child and she isn't going to feel like talking to you.

A child’s right to education shouldn’t trump other children’s safety and I’m not at all sorry for saying that.

Safety should always come first.

You've apologised to the Mum, and that's all you can do. She will be angry and upset, which is completely understandable.

The school have told you that the incident has met the temporary suspension threshold but as it's the first time, they aren't going to impose it due to his SEN. If the parents of the other child discover that no action is being taken against your son, be very prepared for them to be furious.

You need a meeting with the SENCO at school to discuss how your son's emotions can be handled. What triggered this particular meltdown? Could have the meltdown been foreseen? There needs to be a plan in place, that helps your son, but equally the school has a responsibility to safeguard the rest of the children too.

I agree. My child’s was strangled by an autistic child in her class. She had to go to school with him the next day. He is regularly violent and escapes. He shouldn’t be in that school.

Sorry op but I’m reporting this thread due to some of the disgusting comments on it. Please find the area of mn for additional needs. There’s empathy and help there.

If you read my comments, I advised OP not to message the other parent again.
I fail to see why a personal attack on the OP would achieve anything, other than making them feel worse than they already do.

I think you did the right thing apologising but please do not approach this woman in person to follow up. Especially the day after. DD got scratched up by a girl who was SEN and obviously it’s no the girls fault or her mum’s but when you have to look at your poor baby all scuffed up and scratched you don’t really see it that way.

Leave it. I would be absolutely devastated if my child was attacked at school and came home marked and the last thing I would be wanting is pressure to make it all about you and your child. I don't doubt that you are also quite devastated but leave it.

What?
You seem to be laying the blame with OP who has done everything within her remit to acknowledge and apologise for her autistic son's actions.
Take care OP, I am amazed at some of the comments on here that appear to imply criticism of you, totally unfair

I agree… if you’re not sorry enough to remove him from the school then just leave the victims mother alone.

Absolutely agree.
What the bloody hell is wrong with some people?
The child in question is SIX years old!

“School has failed both children.“

This seems unfair. This is the first time it’s happened - how could school have preempted it with a child who doesn’t have a 1-1 provision?
Perhaps it’s not the right setting for your son OP. But there are no special school places and not enough budget for 1-1 supervision.. Expect more of this as budgets get smaller and the inclusion gets broader.