My 6 yr old has attacked another child

[FeelShame]

My 6 yr old is autistic. He was diagnosed very young after some concerning behaviour and unable to do activities at nursery. We have worked hard on behaviour and we have had support.

He has been doing really well in mainstream. But he's been getting rage at home. He's kind and gentle and then when he feels rejected - he gets rage and screams or shouts. Im always there to control it

He's normally fine at school but today he went for another kid. Totally out of control. The teachers didnt get to them in time. The kid has marks all over his face. They said it was bad enough to suspend him but aren't going to because of his diagnosis and because its the 1st time.

I've messaged the mum apologising and saying there are no excuses and I will do everything and anything to prevent it happening again. No reply.

Should I try to talk to her at school gate? Should I just leave it? I know no expectation for her to be understanding. I would be furious.

Any advice on what to do.

Let the school deal with it in school. As you’ve already contacted the mother, if she replies, I’d ask if I can buy the child a gift to apologise for the attack. There is nothing you can do only apologise.

A child doesn’t have to be autistic to hurt another child

For posters saying this child should be in special school, are you saying children in special school don’t count if they get hurt

Bless you.
It's hard work and you sound like a lovely caring mum.

Does your Son recall the incident? Was he able to explain what happened or why?

I think at the very least, this will help the school to realise where he needs more support.
It's such a shame another child got hurt but unfortunately these things happen sometimes.
I think it was noble of you to apologise.

@TofuTuesday I worded it badly. I applied. They agreeed to assess. It then took 1.5 yrs for the assessment to happen. They have emailed saying the draft EHCP is done and it needs quality assurance but we still don't have the plan. I just mean the process is taking a v long time

@SargeMarge I didnt think this board wss the right place for SEN advice. I wanted to know if ppl felt I should talk to the mum tomorrow or leave it. Of course im committed to working out how to stop it happening again.

Having been the ‘other mum’; you did the right thing in apologising. The mum of the SEN child who attacked my son didn’t ever apologise which made me even angrier.

Don’t push for a response though. The mum will be going through a range of emotions and I expect empathy for the attacking child may be one of them.

I do agree that the school has failed both children here but, ultimately, no child is at school to be the emotional or physical punchbag for anyone, SEN or not. The victim’s needs should take priority.

Could you help your son make a card to say sorry to the other boy? Could you take your son to choose a little toy for him, or could you bake cookies or something together to give to him as a gesture?

for the love of god, don’t do this. don’t bake cookies and expect it all to be okay.

Yes my child’s attacker would regularly get suspended, and although that did very little good in the long term for either party in the short term my child could go into school for a few days and know they were not going to be attacked which was amazing. I had my child back. But then the attacker would return and the anxiety would be through the roof again, and the kicks and punches would be back.

I do feel for you but you need to remove your child if the school is not supportive and he is allowed to act this way. He needs a one to one to keep other kids safe and if they can’t provide that it’s not fair to him and the other kids who don’t go to school to be attacked x

He said "my brain felt really angry and I felr confused. But now I feel fine. My brain isnt angry anymore". He can express it that way. What i can't get him to clearly understand is that while its good the anger has left his brain, the consequences of that anger are still v much ongoing for the other child. That its not just his brain that matters. He says he is v sorry and has said sorry to the other kid. He wasnt allowed out the classroom today and the same tomorrow - no playtime or breaks. I just dont think he has an understanding of the seriousness of it.

Agreed, but assigning blame doesn’t help anyone. What children need is safe classrooms.

If you really want to get your child’s ECHP moving have you tried writing to your MP OP? Or a councillor? I am always surprised how quick a response I get when I contact local politicians.

There are no schools that I've ever taught in where the children all sit quietly and listen in a calm environment. 😂 How amazing would that be. I don't know how many classes you've taught with 5 & 6 year olds. The reality is we have 30 different children with varying personalities and needs all sitting (if we're lucky) infront of us. Children at this age without special needs can loose their temper, lash out, say unkind things, push, shove etc the list is endless. Every day we deal with something that's happened in the playground whether it's unkind words, leaving someone out, hitting their 'friend' etc. It's all part of learning, building resilience and navigating the world we live in. Should that child have been attacked, absolutely not but he has SEN and therefore has difficulties that others may find hard to understand. You can't just send your child to a SEN school. It is extremely difficult to get a place and it's for kids with more extreme needs than lashing out one time. Last year I had 3 ASD kids, 2 ADHD kids, a few others awaiting possible diagnosis in a class of 30. This is the reality. It's not the school's fault, it's not the children's fault and it's not the parent's fault. It's the extremely underfunded system that is crying out for more SEN places, better facilities and more training etc. It's frustrating for all involved especially the poor kids from every end of the spectrum.

@FlippityFlippityFlop of course, I didn’t want to go into the all the variables, it was just addressing the use of waitlist that I wanted to do. From experience too much information isn’t helpful if someone is not in the right process. Op has clarified that it was just phrasing although @FeelShame I think you could benefit from some support in moving this along as they’ve breached timeframes a lot.

I had the same experience, I lost all faith in schools though and moved countries 😶 figured everything would basically be the same shit but different post code when it comes to London. Overstretched and overworked.

Lots of people seem very angry at the victim on this thread and furious at the notion of keeping children safe.

I have not seen one person saying anything unkind or unfair about the 6 year old who attacked the other child, but many spitting venom at those of us who acknowledge that "sorry" matters but won't be enough, and that a 6 year old victim of a violent attack must not be instantly expected to sit in a room with their attacker, and that something must be done, a plan put in place, to keep the 6 year old victim safe.

It's extremely compassionate and fair to point this out, and in no way unkind to the child who attacked the other child.

Reality is not about your emotive response, and the reality is the victim cannot be and must not be expected to sit in the same room as their attacker without more being done first to assure their safety.

It's good that the OP has dropped her plan to aggressively pursue acceptance of her apology from the mother of the victim, as that would have been absolutely appalling.

Moving forward, she cannot just take her child back to school as though nothing has happened, of course. What is the OP going to do to prevent her child assaulting another child again? School intervention is a must and that must be pushed for hard by the OP.

I actually think this is a really good idea op, not only will it make your son understand his actions and consequences but it may make the other child feel a lot better.

I think another key issue with a child that has attacked another and nothing is seen to happen (such as the child being suspended) the victim gets the message that it’s ok for them to be attacked, they don’t matter, they shouldn’t expect to be safeguarded, and the rest of the class gets the message that you can beat someone up and nothing will happen to you.

I always told my child that things would be happening behind the scenes that they cannot see, that the attacker will be dealt with sternly etc but they didn’t really believe me, and I didn’t really believe myself as my child did keep getting beaten up day after day.

And then we moved them to private school because his anxiety in having to sit in his class with his attacker was getting so bad. In his new school no one has laid a finger on him since and he’s never seen any other school based violence either and he’s happy and confident going to school. Making our kids tolerate violence in a school environment is so damaging for them.

Would there be the same amount of venom being spouted if the child wasn't autistic and it was the first time an incident like this had happened.

YES! 🤷🏻

So well put.

Not one of those arguing against the victim being safeguarded or any sort of clear consequences and plan put in place would tolerate walking into a workplace and being punched in the face randomly, never knowing when their attacker might turn on them again based on a "Oh don't worry we had a word quietly, it's all fixed now". Nor should they.

Your child's experience would damage any child's sent of safety and their trust in authority. I'm so glad you found a way to kep them safe.

Indeed, of course people would still feel compassion towards the victim and want safeguarding plans to be open and accountable and not want the OP to just carry on, leaving the victim in the same room as their attacker as though nothing had happened.

Absolutely.

And the only venom I am seeing is from those who think the victim should just get on with it, that the 6 year old who attacked him should just carry on as before, and there should be no consequences or plan enacted by the school.

Would it be possible for your child to make an apology card? Or to give the child a drawing as a peace offering?

I wouldn’t seek out the parents, but be ready to speak with them if they approach you.

I’m really sorry that this has happened. It’s a horrid situation and you, the other parents and teaching staff will all be feeling awful about it. Are you happy with the support your child receives at school? Have the school made any suggestions yet about mitigating this again?

I don’t know if this will help you, but to ease your worry. The mum won’t see this and know it’s about her. As awful as it sounds, these kind of incidents are more common than you think! You might feel awful right now, but there’s parents up and down the country who have had the exact same day as you 💕

I’m sorry this happened, OP. It might be best to post this in the SEN section, as most people here aren’t qualified to comment on this subject.

People aren't "blaming" the child! Most replies are acknowledging that it's a difficult situation but the priority should be the injured child's safeguarding and sense of security.

Many have said that the LA has ultimate responsibility for providing suitable support for SEN pupils (in an ideal world, of course, which this is not).

The majority of posters have expressed sympathy towards the OP.

But the overwhelming response to the OP's actual question is not to contact the other parents again. She's done a decent thing by apologising, but now leave them to care for their injured child and process the incident in private. That's not "nasty" advice.

Who on here said that there should be no consequences? I don't think anyone has said that - and certainly not me. Of course there should. No one is saying that it's ok for a child to attack another child.

I wouldn't send them another message at this point but I do think it's good that you sent an apology, even if they haven't responded it shows that you are taking it seriously. They probably don't know how to respond because you can't argue with someone who is apologising, but at the same time they can't say 'no worries it's fine', so have just left it for now.
Talk about it further with the school.