My 6 yr old has attacked another child

[FeelShame]

My 6 yr old is autistic. He was diagnosed very young after some concerning behaviour and unable to do activities at nursery. We have worked hard on behaviour and we have had support.

He has been doing really well in mainstream. But he's been getting rage at home. He's kind and gentle and then when he feels rejected - he gets rage and screams or shouts. Im always there to control it

He's normally fine at school but today he went for another kid. Totally out of control. The teachers didnt get to them in time. The kid has marks all over his face. They said it was bad enough to suspend him but aren't going to because of his diagnosis and because its the 1st time.

I've messaged the mum apologising and saying there are no excuses and I will do everything and anything to prevent it happening again. No reply.

Should I try to talk to her at school gate? Should I just leave it? I know no expectation for her to be understanding. I would be furious.

Any advice on what to do.

The child is 6. They are still learning emotional regulation. Would there be the same amount of venom being spouted if the child wasn't autistic and it was the first time an incident like this had happened.
Yes - his behavior needs to be addressed - but that doesn't mean locking all ND children away out of sight of everyone else.

Exactly 👏

To the child it doesn’t matter who or why. All that matters is the person who hurt them is still there and could get them again.

Living on edge of further violence.

I have a child who was regularly attacked by a SEN child. Do our views not matter to you? Is the fact the local authority’s love of mainstream means many many kids are used simply as punchbags not an issue?

OPs life sounds very hard. She sounds like a good mother. I bet her son is an utter joy to be with 99% of the time, but none of that means that it’s ok to expose others to violence.

It jolly well should do if they cant keep their hands to themselves.

My Ds1 has been attacked and picked on by an autistic child more than once. They used to be very good friends but, I think have drifted apart as my ds1 finds him too intense and the other child has reacted like this as a result. The other parents have apologised to me more than once. I have simply told my ds1 to find new friends because he doesn’t deserve to be attacked. However I feel for the other child and his parents too because it seems he finds it hard to keep friends, understandably. Ideally he would have a 1:1 and this kind of thing wouldn’t happen, but it’s no one’s fault that he doesn’t have that. You are getting a rough time on here op.

If he wasn’t autistic then he would have been suspended, even at this age. As confirmed by the school. His victim wouldn’t have to sit in class with him tomorrow, or be around him in the playground. And when he returned from suspension, they would likely have him doing his work at the office and managing a move back to the class.

But he’s autistic.. so nothing will happen. And the kid he attacked just has to put up and shut up. That’s the issue.

Yes, people would be saying the same things if the child was not autistic. The child should be suspended at the very least and not return until the classroom is made safe for all.

The child that was attacked was probably six. Should they expect this to be a daily occurence at school

@FeelShame primary school pupils can be suspended and permanently excluded. If SEN is involved then school need to show that they considered SEN

I have been both the mother of the child who has hurt another AND the mother of the child who has been hurt by another (eldest DC has autism, younger two have both been on the receiving end of attacks by other DC with SEN during primary school years) and FWIW I think you did the right thing in messaging to apologise.

I have done the same when DS1 was the perpetrator, and other parents have, similarly, messaged me following the situations where their DC had hurt mine. Tbh I did reply to the messages about DC2 and 3's situations, to reassure the parents concerned, but that's because I'm also a parent of a child with SEN - I got it. This parent may well not get it. So whilst an apology makes sense, don't follow up with any further contact for now.

The important thing going forward is that you work with school to enable as much support for your DS as possible. It's likely to be a long road unfortunately to accessing any kind of specialist provision but it is worth starting the ball rolling now.

Yes is does. If they can go a year or so without acting violently in a special school maybe then they’re able to be reintegrated into mainstream but the other classmates aren’t guinea pigs. If your child hasn’t been repeatedly beaten up from a young age by a classmate having a meltdown you probably have no idea of the lasting damage it can do to the attacked child. None whatsoever.

The child physically assaulted a 6 year old. Would you still be spouting venom at the victim if he was older?

There is no venom being spouted at the attacker, simply an acknowledgement that being a victim of a nasty physical assault by another child is not mitigated by "fault" or "reasons".

You have never been forced to sit next to or a few feet away in a room with your physical attacker, and nor should you.

The attacker is 6, his victim is 6. More needs to be done to ensure there are no more victims of his physical attacks, and certainly just sending him back to school to sit in the same room as his terrified victim is not that.

It is not remotely lacking compassion to make this factual statement. I feel compassion for the victim as well as the attacker.

Reasons don't matter to victims of assault. Actions to protect them do.

One of my children was regularly attacked by a child with Sen.

My child was scared to go to in. The only thing that fixed it was moving schools.

Honestly I’m all for zero tolerance when it comes to violence.

Please can people stop being so nasty to the OP? She’s not pestering the other mother - she did the right thing by apologising. The other mother may well be too angry and upset to respond which is completely understandable but the OP has done absolutely nothing wrong by messaging her. She’s obviously worried about her own son, and feels awful that he attacked another child but she’s not “making it all about her” when she reaches out to the other mother - the very opposite in fact.
The child is only 6 with SEN. The school has not put an appropriate plan in place to manage his behaviour, deescalate early etc and the school has not managed to safeguard the other child. Both parents have a right to be angry and upset.
OP- I’m so sorry about the comments some people are making. Hope you and your little boy get the support you need and deserve

Please quote where people have been "nasty" to the OP? I am seeing people who are correctly upset at those who are trying to minimise a physical assault on a terrified 6 year old.

Pointing out that "sorry" doesn't change anything and that something must be done to protect the victim is not nasty, it's just rational.

@FeelShame there is no waiting list for an EHCP - I am alarmed that you have phrased it like this. It’s not a queue that you wait for a space. The legal timeframe is 20 weeks from application to issue although this very often gets delayed and derailed. Please get in touch with your local SENDIASS (free, Google your county and sendiass) to make sure you have understood the system. I have known of parents who believe an application has been made by school where that is not the case.

This is a really difficult situation and I have been the other mum. My child was assaulted by a child with adhd. As far as I could tell no consequences were applied and it made me cross that she had less protection as a child than I did as an adult in the workplace. She then needed to always be in a class with someone who scared her.

I think you have done a brave thing contacting the mum and I would have appreciated it in her shoes as I had no contact from the child who had hurt mine. Unfortunately this happened multiple times and was a contributing factor to withdrawing my child from the school. Her concern will rightly be her own child as the OP’s concern must be hers. Clearly additional support is going to be required and that will be a fight. It is horrible for everyone involved and is a sad indictment of the lack of funding and support for SEN as well as the blind belief that teachers can just accommodate more and more kids with additional needs in mainstream with no extra resource.

Well… the OP started a thread because she wants to know how to get the other mum to respond to her apology, to make herself feel better.

She didn’t start a thread asking for advice on what she should actually do regarding her child. Like keeping him off until the school put a plan in place, and simply to give the other child a couple of days to recover from this happening and to be in school without having to see the kid who attacked them right away. Just a bit of understanding from the OP to help this child feel safer. But she isn’t doing that. She’s just asking how to get the mum to accept her apology.

Keeping it simple - you took accountability which is more than many parents do in general, even with neurotypical children. Truuuust me some parents make mad excuses for their neurotypical kids bad behaviour.

You've done your bit and that's enough. Leave her to it. End of the day, rightly or wrongly, she is allowed to be feeling what she does. (And we don't know what she thinks!)

I have zero experience with SEN (I even had to Google what neurotypical children are called) but I think you're an amazing mum just for seeing it for what it is and not being blind to the situation. This will get him so far in life, because finding excuses and hiding behind them means you won't keep trying and succeeding. All the best!

Agreed.

My child was strangled by another child at school, twice. He developed anxiety and stopped wanting to go to his clubs in case that child was there. I dont blame the mother, the child or even the school but it is a difficult situation to navigate and everyone deserves to feel safe at school.

What i really needed was a clear description of how they planned to stop it from happening again. Thats the main thing- not punishment, but safeguarding.

I know you feel awful right now. You sound like a great mum.

This is true - but if it is not supported by the school the assessment is very often rejected. What then! A lengthy appeal process. And I'm the meantime the patient is still legally required to send their child to school.

People angry at the additional needs children. Ofcourse ALL children deserve to be safe, secure and free from violence.
but it’s literally the local authority who’s to blame, and the government. 1-1 hours cut, TA’s let go, ASN classes abolished, ASN schools done away with. But yes, let’s blame the disabled children who cannot regulate their emotions and are put in situations they cannot neurologically deal with.

Wow there are so many perfect parents with perfect children on this thread!

OP I would focus on trying to reassure the other child through your own child’s actions.

Could you help your son make a card to say sorry to the other boy? Could you take your son to choose a little toy for him, or could you bake cookies or something together to give to him as a gesture?

This could be an opportunity to teach your son about how to express regret and how to apologise to someone else.

I’ve seen your update. I think that’s a good decision to leave it now.

It was ok to send an apology text but no more. That would be intrusive and too self centred. Asking too much of the victim.

it sounds like you are trying really hard and the school appreciate that. Hopefully they will work with you to keep all children safe.