School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

But also just WWYD in regards to the money thing because it’s getting really boring being asked all the time.

It's nothing to do with the school, unless you have genuine concerns for her children's welfare.

Tell her not to contact you again. If she then does, involve the police.

I feel like you need to be really blunt with her and tell her to stop asking for money, every time she asks. Some people just don't respond to hints.
What do you want to achieve by telling the school?

I’m not sure the school will do much tbh.

Time to be firm and say you aren’t in a position to lend anyone money now, or the future, and best to seek help elsewhere

No I don’t have any money to lend you, please stop asking.

then if necessary block

it’s nothing to do with the school

Yes that's shitty. Just be clear with the mum by using your words, rather than avoiding or hinting, that you will not be lending any money and neither will your husband. It may be awkward but what you are doing isn't getting the message through. Sign post her to food banks if she is truly desperate but don't try and create a safe guarding concern out of spite.

I don’t see a need to mention to the school unless it’s affecting the child or was to do with why your children are no longer friends?

re the money thing, just ignore? Or - get on the front foot and ask her first!

Sign post her to food banks if she is truly desperate but don't try and create a safe guarding concern out of spite.

This. Although the block function is also an option!

How much does she ask for usually? Is it by text? If so just block her.

The only reason I wondered about the school was if it’s that bad money sir should we be concerned about the child? And she’s been asking face to face at school pick up, we even go a little later deliberately to avoid her now.

I won’t mention anything to school as so many have said that’s not a good idea straight away.

I will send a firmer message along the lines of “do not ask again”

this isnt really in the spirit of the harassment act ! The OP needs to manage this herself

I've put YABU as it's not the school's responsibility - they've got enough to contend with.

She is out of line to ask - but if you wanted to soften the blow I would signpost her to Citizens Advice who can support by reviewing her circumstances, making sure she's applied for all benefits she's entitled to, check she's on social tariffs for energy/phones, review debts etc.

It just felt relevant to emphasise that she’s someone we don’t really communicate with otherwise (because they aren’t friends now)

You’re not even close friends, or friends it seems? Maybe you need to be honest, and say you have no friendship (you don’t seem to like her/ she doesn’t fit in to your life) so just say no and leave it there. Block her if you need too.

What did you actually say when she asks? Surely a "no I won't lend you money and please stop asking" would do?

What is it that you expect the school to do about it? Are you genuinely concerned for safeguarding reasons, she can't feed her children for example? Or do you just want her to stop asking you for money and want another adult to tell her to stop?

If it's the first one then speaking to the school would be acceptable. If it's the second then you can't try and pass the responsibility onto the school to solve your issue.

Was going to ask this too. When she messages you or DH for money are you too polite or are you honest? Because if you are beating around the bush then maybe she thinks she has the right to ask again

Just ignore and block

I wouldn’t soften it at all, this is not @DunnockMamresponsibility and will only muddy the waters. A clear message of ‘neither my husband nor myself will be lending you money, stop asking’.

Tell her you cannot lend her money and you want her to stop asking you and your dh. Get your dh on the same page so you both say the same thing.

I'd mention it to the school if it's affecting you picking up your child.

Just say something like ‘oh I never lend anything to anyone after bad experiences in the pay’. Make it sound final. Then block.

Just say clearly “no we won’t be lending money to you any more, please stop asking as it is becoming awkward.”

Reply with.

I cannot lend you money. You can get free money help here:

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/

@DunnockMam i actually think it would be worth speaking to the school .
If she is borrowing ALL THE TIME. Can she feed , heat and cloth her kids.
Maybe she needs support to do so OR
is it a drug problem she is trying to feed .
Why did her marriage end ?

If you’ve been saying “don’t know I’ll have to check with DH” or “I’m not sure, probably not” or “we’ve got a lot of outgoings this month” or “we’ve just had to fix it car”, then you’ve given her hope that it’s not that you don’t want to lend(give, let’s face it you’ll probably not get it back) her money.

Tell her, no, I’m not lending you any amount of money, it’s not because I don’t have it, it’s because I don’t want to. I’m not a bank.