School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

Just say “No, can you stop asking me please as you’re making things awkward.” And just leave it at that.

Don't involve the school. It's really not their problem and what do you expect them to do about it anyway?

Next time she asks you just need to be really firm and stern with her and say 'STOP! I am not going to lend you money. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Please back off because you are becoming offensive and bothersome. I know you are having a hard time but I am not your solution and if you don't take no for an answer I am going to block you on everything and report you to social services because your behaviour is starting to border on unhinged.'

You need to shut her down. Something along the lines of:

"I have already told you we can't lend you any money so please stop asking. Perhaps speak to the school or social services if you are struggling."

Hopefully you mentioning school/SS will be enough to stop her asking again.

No it’s not the schools “ problem” to solve but it does come into their remit under KCSIE legislation to have a professional curiosity about what could be a potential marker for a family struggling and they will act in the best interests of the child. Schools are interested and we should inform / snitch / bother them / whatever if there’s an issue . The DSL will deal with and refer on if necessary mIf in doubt you report ! It’s not being sly to inform the school - it’s everyone’s responsibility to keep children safe frankly . The school is the first point of contact and a lighter touch before informing SS / police etc especially if you are unsure . They deal with these situations a lot !!

If you Archive her conversation then you won't see her messages. I think. Or you can block her of course.

I’d block her number, and be incredibly blunt if she asks in person again.

I would also tell the school, since it's so frequent now. You absolutely won't be the only one she is demanding money from, and I think that the school need to know, because they will have more knowledge about the family.

She’s said before “I haven’t managed the budget well this month” or “X is refusing to give me any more than..” or “I can’t log in to my banking” lots of different things.

Her DC is clean/cared for but often comes in with Dad who has the child more than her.

Obviously I can’t judge someone else’s finances but like I said on a PP she works in the same industry as me, for the same company but a different location so I have never come across her professionally. She is in a similar role to me and I could definitely cope with just my income if I had to (and did when DH was redundant for 8 months) .. but again I realise it’s not that simple and it might be she genuinely can’t pay her finances rather than her using her money irresponsibly.

my main worry was genuinely am I being dramatic or is this maybe quite serious. But also it’s not my responsibility to sort this out

When the DCs were friends and we had the other child it was my DH that who looked after them so she had his number? And I guess we are both on the school WhatsApp so anyone could take it from there I guess 🤣

Whatever her reasons, it isn't your problem. You're not friends and she is brazen and inappropriate.
Some people are just takers.
You have to have strong boundaries with people like that.

But also it’s not my responsibility to sort this out

No, it isn't. And all the posts suggesting you get involved by 'signposting' her to this, that and the other - just no! Don't get involved. Just send a message that states clearly and unambiguously that neither you nor your DH will be lending her money and to stop asking, and then block her if you need to. Her problems are nothing to do with you. She's not a friend and you have zero obligation to solve her (seemingly) self-created issues.

The different reasons especially I can’t log into my banking is a MASSIVE red flag for mental health issues or substance abuse You go down the bank or contact them - not tap people at the school gate up ! Don’t think you’re being dramatic - it is not your issue to solve but let the school know . You have to organise your family routine to avoid the demands of this person .

Does she say what the money is for?

I think if she was saying she was short of money for food/paying bills etc I would mention it to the school because it could become a concern for the welfare of the child.
As people often say, safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.
Where I work we do have a family support worker and in their role they do help families with debt management, food banks, getting them household items, opening bank accounts etc, it's not always specifically about whether the child looks well dressed or if they have food.

People with addictions would carry on asking. Drugs, drink, gambling. If it's relatively small amounts of money, that would be my guess why she's asking virtual strangers - no different to the beggars outside Lidl, just more middle class.

People like her do not get the polite "sorry but no" you need to be stern with her. "i'm not going to be lending you any money now or in the future so please do not ask me or my husband again" and block her number. You dont need to be rude, just firm.

Selfishly, I also think I should be able to take my child to school without the dread of “am I going to see her and have her ask for money again”

Agree it’s a massive red flag. I once had massive issues with my bank account, thanks Santander. They sorted it out at their end eventually but I spoke to the bank regularly until they did. Would not have dreamed of asking a for a loan from an aquaintance.

Asking you rather than the bank suggests that they have already refused.

Could you and DH come up with a stock answer together? Something along the lines of “Sorry Sandra, we don’t have any spare cash and can’t see that we will get any anytime soon. If you’re struggling maybe you could talk to the school or the CAB. Dunnock” and then just send the same response every time.

If she asks at the school gates could you just bluntly say “sorry Sandra, I’m late for work, bye”?

I would think of blocking her though. She sounds draining.

How much money are we taking here? the answer should still be no but depending on the amound you can give different answers.

If she is whatsapping put her on mute.

If he's having the children more of the time then surely she should be giving him money...

Good advice. CAB can give Foodbank vouchers too if necessary.

Not loads but not an insignificant amount, usually £50-100.

Just tell to fuck off and stop fucking asking.

'We are in a difficult financial place right now and cannot afford to give away money'

Reply with the same thing every single time. Do not deviate or ask how she is.

She might not believe you but who cares.

average price range for a gram of coke ( I work in addiction services) 🤷🏻‍♀️

Next time she asks, reply “I am not a bank so please stop asking for money, my answer is not going to change”. To be honest, I’d have blocked her by now.