School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

Would have already blocked on all platforms already though surely if its such an issue? No need to have any digital contact.

I'd draw a very, very firm line the very next time she asks: "We've repeatedly told you no. Please do not ask again." If she asks again, or again follows up with your husband, I'd probably threaten to go to the police about harassment, especially as it sounds like there is no relationship here to salvage.

Yes, send that but then block!!

I genuinely, honestly do not understand why people find it so hard to just block people from messaging and SM.

This here is why she’s bothering you. She sees you as a soft touch. Or she might be under the impression (in her mind) she’s your bestie.
just say No, sorry I’m not able to lend you money. Ignore any ongoing messages then block if needed. I appreciate that could be awkward.
I wouldn’t involve the school unless you really think there’s a safe guarding issue. I’m mega scatty, always getting dates wrong and to be honest it’s a good job I married someone with a decent salary as I’d be bouncing cheques all over… doesn’t really need SS involved does it?

‘Funny you messaged, I was JUST about to message you and ask to borrow some money! Things as soooo tight atm’

Just keep saying no. That is very weird.

Surprised at the number of posters who say approaching the school is extreme or unkind. It’s just the logical thing to do to pass this over to an authority where people are actually trained to help and in most cases, possess financial and practical assistance. They can also make referrals. These kids are living with either, 1) extreme low income 2) a dysfunctional mum who can’t prioritise to meet their needs and they ALL deserve a bit of outside help.

Would she lend if you needed it? Doubt it.
Are you a lending organisation? NO
The money you both have in these expensive times, keeps you & yours afloat not you & a third party,ever. Everyone at the moment is one step away from those dreaded words clear your desk with shut, and the money you have just given away, is now needed.
This is reckless behaviour to carry on and will only end in tears. She will probably get uptight but that’s her problem not yours she’s an adult and must learn the hard way, but it’s the only way.

You and your husband both block her number and any social media platforms

when she stops you at the school you just say “no do not ask again ever” and walk away. Nothing else, not sorry, no conversation etc. just “no” and ignore any other attempts at conversation.

I wouldn’t say to the school but just say to her “no and don’t ask me again”. She’s a cheeky fucker

I’d message her next time she asks and tell her to stop asking you as you won’t be lending her money.

Re talking to the school, I think this is a good idea. You’re not being sly or causing trouble, you’re raising a concern about another child.
I guess knowing why she needs money would be helpful. Can she manage the basics but runs out of cash?
Are her kids clean, adequately dressed for the weather, are they well fed?

As others have said, please do not mention this to the school. It would be rather vindictive retaliation for extremely annoying behaviour unless you note the children look malnourished, unclean, scruffy etc.

otherwise politely tell her no and block her.

Be very firm and clear in your answer. I have been in a very similar situation. I used to be quite good friends with someone through our kids who were friendly at the time - they are not friends now. We went through divorces at around the same time and met shortly after - we sort of supported each other in those early days but our circumstances were really different.

I don’t want to share exact details but basically I was the lucky one - my ex cheated and was awful to me but remained a good dad and always saw the kids, pays CM. I kept the house and had a good job myself. I was emotionally in bits but logistically, financially, remained ok. She was totally on her own and her ex is truly awful. He wasn’t safe to have their kids on his own, he paid nothing, she was out of work. I sympathised with her so much bc I found MY situation tough and that was with support and enough money.

My stupid bleeding heart meant I leant her so much money over the years. Babysat for her and she would be hours late back. Listened to every drama that went on. At one point I had a direct debit to pay for one of her kids activities. Madness!! Eventually I had therapy, realised I had zero boundaries and cut her off. The relief I felt was absolutely amazing. She has moved out of our area now and (I cannot say any more!!) I’m certain she has basically ‘moved on’ to someone else….

Basically don’t be like me!!!!

I would just be really blunt with her, if you aren’t really friends (which makes this whole thing so bizarre, surely she has closer people she could ask?!) then you have nothing to lose. Something like ‘you have asked me several times and my answer has always been no, I am sorry you are in this position but I can’t and won’t be lending you money so please do not ask me again’.

I wouldn’t bother with the school, not sure what they can do.

Next time just laugh and say 'yeah, good one!!!'

She's clearly not getting it

I disagree it’s morning to do with the school. I work at a school and I think we’d be interested to know this as it might help build a pattern of need that would alllow us to signpost the parent to extra help and support.

For example if the mother was struggling to feed the family we could make a referral to enable the parent to access a food bank.

I've read some of the thread, and don't agree about the school. Your acquaintance might not be aware of current rules regarding free school meal eligibility. Most schools are keen to help families with this, because they want to support the children, but also benefit from pupil premium. Talk to pastoral or safeguarding team. Personally I think the constant requests to borrow are a red flag.

Is she Sarah Ferguson?

How much is she asking to 'borrow'? A few quid or thousands? It sounds like she might have a drug or alcohol habit she needs to finance tbh.

Anyway, say 'no' very firmly. If that doesn't work, tell her that constantly asking amounts to harrassment and you'll get the police involved if she doesn't stop.

I would speak to the school, they are much better placed to keep an eye on the children to make sure they are getting what they need and can sign post mum to extra support if she needs it.

Is she Sarah Ferguson? 😂

OP, your children are no longer friends, you aren't friends with her, so just block.

If she confronts you at school (as this type just might) say 'yes we did block you, your persistent pleading for money is now bordering on harassment'

‘No, do not ask me again’

Then block.

She is a massively CF.

I’d bet anything she’s feeding a drug problem. It’s the usual explanation for people who are bold enough to ask anyone they see.

Just say a firm no and block if need be.

@DunnockMam YANBU, I would actually mention it to the school, too, as I'd be concerned that it points to addiction issues, which I'd be worried were affecting the child(ren).

I would also be blunt and message (or say to her face), that you've no intention of ever lending her money, so to stop asking as she's wasting her time as well as yours.

I would also tell her that if she mentions it to you again I'd be informing the school as you're concerned this is impacting on her child(ren).

If you're so inclined you can point her in the direction of CAB, Stepchange (debt charity) or any other local support services in your area, but it's not your job to fix her.

Yeah I would tell the school actually. They can do food bank referrals and if she’s struggling that badly then maybe social services should be involved. I’m not sure why anyone is telling you that’s a bad idea