School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

OP has already explained why she won’t be doing this.

I think it’s really shitty to mention it to the school. But I would definitely knock it on the head. Next time she asks say ‘Sorry Sarah, but it’s just out of the question. I’m struggling myself. I don’t have extra money to lend people. Don’t ask again, because unless I win a few million on the lottery it will always be no.’

Hi, at our school we would want to know about this as it suggests she's really struggling and we can signpost her to support. This would include food, laundry, counselling, getting a better idea about any changes at home that might (and probably do) impact on their child's learning and readiness to learn. So yes, I'd say do tell school, not in a gossipy way but in a "this person keeps asking to borrow money, I don't think she's coping well at the moment, can the school help in any way".

It could be that she's also asking other people for money and that needs addressing.

I don't know what else you can do directly with her though beyond really clear "no, we cannot lend you any money" and "if you're struggling, have you spoken with CAB and the council about anything you might be entitled to or any support? We aren't going to loan any money."

I’m sure that schools can issue food bank vouchers, maybe she’s too embarrassed to ask. If you tell the school maybe they could speak to her and ask her if she would like one. They might be able to help with school uniform and free school dinners if she is struggling - even if they point her in the direction of any benefit she can claim that she doesn’t know about.

Schools have welfare officers (that might not be their actual job title). They aren't teaching staff - they are their to help with any family situations.
So personally I would talk to the school - either via the safeguarding lead or the headteacher because if genuine help is needed then they can help.
I think my daughter's primary called them the "family liaison officer".
Their job is situations like this.

What does she actually say-can you give some examples?

what do you reply?

I am not going for a coffee to talk about it. I know her well enough from when our kids were friends it would just open the gates for me to be her shoulder to cry on.. which frankly, I don’t want to be. That might make me sound horrible but it’s true.

When she forgot the half term dates and couldn’t book off work, my offer to have her DC for a day turned into would I have him all half term. When I leant her some pe kit when she sent her kid in the wrong uniform it turned into “can you text me in the mornings when it’s PE”

We work in the same industry albeit different locations and I know how hard it can be balancing things, let alone doing it without another parent in the same house. But I’ve got enough to be dealing with for myself.

I don’t understand why you didn’t just block her. If you do that, she’s less likely to approach you in person. If she still does, you can just say loudly but firmly, “I don’t lend money”.

Tell her firmly that you do not lend money and she should stop asking you…….sorted! Do not involve the school SS or anyone else. Keep your own council and avoid her whenever possible.

You don't sound horrible at all. She's one of those give her an inch and she'll take a mile people that will suck you dry if you let them.

At a guess she is just terrible at managing money, is impulsive and has no budgeting skills. At worst she has drug debts and is prioritising that over her kids basic needs (food clothing else).

even if you lent her money and didn’t care about getting it back that doesn’t solve the problem. She needs help with why she can’t manage her money.

she sounds just like my MIL who had no shame telling lies to get me to send money to feed her addiction to prescription painkiller tramadol.

the fact that she has no shame in asking sounds like she is desperate. You can tell the school but unlikely they can do any more than make a note with SS who have bigger things to worry about in other families.

There are so many of these threads which pop up frequently.
Use your voice. Take a step towards them, look them in the eye and say “No I won’t ever be doing that. Don’t ask again! Don’t ask my husband again!” Don’t smile while saying no or tilt your head or start the sentence with “sorry”. Then walk away.
She isn’t your problem to solve. She will likely be asking others too. No need to point her at food banks etc. She will already be aware of them.

I completely agree that you should tell school. Being this desperate for money suggests she is struggling and that will impact her children. School can then organise an early help assessment to ensure she gets support.

Wise advice

I would be firm with her and let her know she needs to stop asking, even if it feels awkward. Personally, I wouldn’t get further involved or contact the school’s safeguarding team, as others have suggested. If a child’s home situation is affecting them at school, the staff are usually trained to recognise the signs and may already be aware. Reporting it yourself could place you even more in the middle of the situation, and based on your updates, it may be best to create some distance.

You have to say ‘unfortunately no; im not in a position to give you money. Please stop asking me and it makes me very uncomfortable’. Block her on your phone too.

Its very sad if she doesn’t have enough money but if you give her money once she’ll just expect that you will continue to do so.

Respond to every message with:
I'm really broke at the moment, can you lend me £500.

I would message. "No. Stop asking me for money. I don't have it to lend even if I wanted to, which I don't. Enough"

Just tell her once and for all 'while I have sympathy for your difficulties, I do not appreciate you continually asking me for money after I have repeatedly declined. If you request money from me again I will have to block you. It is getting close to harassment and it's not acceptable.'

I voted YANBU but really you should deal with this better. When you say she isnt getting the hint you need to change how you put the hint across.

There is zero chance i will ever give you money. Regardless of the circumstances or my financial situation i will not be doing that. I am here as a friend, to give help and advice but not money. See if she bothers after that

Is it possible her ex isnt giving her any/enough money? Does she feel.she may lose her home and children because she cant support them.on her own?.What does she say she needs the money for when asking? Is it apparent in her appearance or day to day behaviour that indicates she is financially struggling?

Next time she asks, just say "I'm sorry but we don't lend money at all, please can you make this the last time you ask as the answer is always going to be no".

Maybe point her in the direction of citizens advice/foodbanks etc as well.

ETA mentioning to school seems a bit extreme.

The easiest option is for you and DH to block her number and say ‘no’ if she asks again. Don’t make excuses or have a conversation with her about it, just a simple no will be clear.

This would be the kind thing to do.

I was with you OP, until you said it was getting 'boring'. Probably super boring for her being skint all the time too.

However, it's not your problem and you're not friends so just be clear with her and get your H on board with saying the same thing.

So she wouldn't be able to message you or your husband if you blocked her on all platforms. Will solve a lot of it. If you see her out, avoid and ignore.