School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

She may not be claiming all she’s entitled to, she may have debt, addiction. It’s not your problem but if she’s asking constantly, she needs some good advice from a trained person.

Our school has hardship funds. Not sure what their procedure is exactly but I would direct her to the school, for support of nothing else.
Nothing wrong with flagging it with safeguarding at the school either. She could have a gambling problem or other issue which is leading to all this hassling other people for money. Schools are an institution and community, and can and do intervene in cases like this and play a role in the well-being of children, and can make referrals to other agencies and resources.

You're just going to have to keep forcefully telling her to fuck off. It doesn't sound like you've tackled this head on yet. But if I'm wrong and you have, both block her. She doesn't need your number. You may still have to tell her to fuck off face to face but that'll be less than now.

Well this was kind of my thinking but then I wondered if I was being dramatic. I don’t know why the relationship ended. He’s seems quite nice and is on the PTA.

Tell her you have a cash flow problem and you need a grand. Keep asking her, tell her even a 100 quid will help.

It's surprisingly effective.

Problem is I usually find this is some sort of addiction issue going on. Whether it's drugs to gambling. People get a bit thick skinned when they're desperate to feed it.

I'd both block her and that should send the message and hopefully shel stop in person. If she asks again in person id say look this is making me feel uncomfortable, we've blocked you to stop receiving the money requests and would like them to also stop in person, we won't be lending you money. I'm sorry youre struggling maybe contact citizens advice or speak to the school. Then walk away from her.

If* nothing else

I would speak to the school. To me this is a very clear safeguarding issue as poverty can cause unintentional neglect. If she's in a new controlling relationship she also might not have access to her money. Is she able to heat the house and put food on the table and meet her child's basic needs? At the very least if she is doing all these things but genuinely struggling then she deserves proper support which the school can signpost to. I wonder if she's only asking you or if she's asking other parents as well as that could quickly be embarrassing for her child and affect their relationships.

If she asks again I'd say you're not in a position to lend any money nor will you be, but you're concerned about her and signpost her to the local food bank or Christians Against Poverty or local citizens advice service. You can't offer sustainable help but the school can.

I second the few that have said to talk to the school, her lack of money could be having a real impact on the kids welfare.

Honestly just say no. "No, we don't have spare money to lend" "No, I won't lend you money" and if she persists.... I would genuinely text back and say "Apologies, I need to block your number as I'm not in a position to lend and you are continuously asking".

A neighbour of mine was like this... single mother and always needed a lend until payday. Her problem was that she would borrow money on a Sunday or Monday, repay it on the Thursday when paid, but then not have enough to get her through the week again. Borrow of a different neighbour Monday and the cycle continued. There was about 3 neighbours and 2 sisters she was in a constant flow of money in and out with.

One of the neighbours was struggling themselves and was then crying to me that she felt bad she couldn't lend to Neighbour A this week. They eventually fell out because they were both stressed about the same 20quid that was going over and back.

She started asking me and instead I gave her a 20quid fuel voucher and a 30quid Tesco voucher and asked her to accept as a gift and not borrow from neighbours again. I know she still borrows from sisters but so far only on 2 occasions has she asked neighbours and they stood their ground and said no. We basically all had a chat and said we needed to stop enabling her.

This was a woman we like... our friends are all kids. If I wasn't friends with her... I'd have just said no in the first place.

My husbands sister was always asking him for money too... every week or so. He would send the odd 10 or 20 quid when he had it but he got fed up too with the constant requests.

It's not a school issue.... she's obviously getting money from somewhere and sorting the kids. So I wouldn't contact the school but I'd just cut that woman loose.

Hm this one is a head scratcher. And I am thinking about it in the context of a similar situation recently where a friend of a friend has been hassling me for money and help.

I'd initially thought no, definitely don't tell the school, but on reflection I think you should. Because asking to borrow money from someone you are not super-close to in our society is so strange as to be quite a red flag for either mental health or substance abuse (I'm sure it's one of the two with the lady who has been bothering me). Either of which would be safeguarding concerns. Having thought about it, I'd consider it as much of a red flag for mental health as if someone showed up to the school run half naked or something equally off.... in the sense that it's such a massive social no-no that for someone to behave like that something must be wrong.

In terms of comms with her, I do think you should be politely blunt and just say 'I don't have any money'. So far I've ignored my own lady's requests for money but tried to help her with other things she's asked for like links to charities etc and she's got the hint. But if she asks again I'll also just say I've got credit card bills coming out of my ears and we're on tins of beans the last week of every month until payday... I don't have anything!

The police!!!!

Jesus.

OP just be done with it and phone 999 NOW!

Be clear.

"Jan, stop asking me for money. I am not giving you money and it's rude and annoying."

If she's asking you for money while you're on school property, I'd let the school know she's soliciting parents for money on their property.

Block her if she's messaging you.

Just block her

Why has she got your husband's phone number as well as yours?! I'd just block her on both, she'll get the message. If she has the face to ask you in person just be terse and blunt, "No, I don't lend money, I'm not NatWest" or whatever. Don't be warm and apologetic, that will just encourage her to try again.

I actually have a different view. This would concern me from a safeguarding perspective and I would mention to the school,

She sounds completely socially inappropriate, probably has no self awareness, so dont be worried about being blunt

'we never would lend money to anyone, I dont know why you would think we would'

Also OP she has probably been pestering others too, you wont be the only one.

If she's that scatty, we know it's not a loan. She's asking for money.
She's brave or desperate to keep asking when you have already said no.

Perhaps ask her outright what's going on over a coffee. Then point her out to charities that help sort out finances, point towards foodbanks and all that. She needs to try and help herself otherwise she's going to alienate everyone around her if she asks more than you for money. You may help her in the long run.

I had this with someone I knew through her workplace. I had to be very blunt with her and tell her no and to never ask me again. Had to do it a couple of times but they eventually got the hint.

If you are no longer friends I block her, also if she is asking people who are not her friends then she must owe money to others.

Block her on your and your husband's phones. If she asks face to face, say neither of you will ever lend any money to her. No friendship/relationship with her at stake so it doesn't matter .

Collect phone numbers and addresses of local charities that can help her with food, clothing etc.
Ask school if they have any hardship provisions for families who have child welfare concerns ie help with camp fees, second hand uniforms etc.
Also list local church addresses.
Also a mental health crisis line.

Do this research and make several copies.

When next the woman asks be absolutely blunt and clear:
No, sorry, we will never lend you money. Please do not ask again. Here is a list of organisations that you could contact.

If she asks again, repeat and also add that you do not want to discuss the private details of her financial situation and that if she does again you will deem it harassment and have to contact the Police.

She could be a drug user or a gambler.

I agree with your planned approach, tell her to not ask you or your DH again.

Does your DH see through her too?

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know

Why would you do this? It's got nothing to do with the school.

Give her a firm, no. After that ignore her.

You can't go to the school. It's not their job to sort out adult disputes.

Talk to the school either the HT or Designated Safeguarding Lead, just explain factually what has happened and that you are concerned in case the children are at risk. No need to consider it as being sly, safeguarding is everyone's business and you are just ensuring that her children are safe.