School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

Have you ever just said straight up ‘stop asking for money. I’m not in a position to give you any’. And if she does it again tell her ‘I’ve asked you to stop. Now telling you. Stop it’

This.

You aren’t unreasonable to not want to be asked for money. You weren’t unreasonable to be annoyed by her brass neck.

However, you would be unreasonable to speak to the school.

The next time she asks tell her straight - you aren’t comfortable either her asking for money and you would like her to stop messaging you and your husband.

Dont speak to school. Tell her not to ask to borrow money again, the answer will always be no.

I personally think it's a massive red flag for her kids that she is brazenly asking for 50-100 quid from acquaintances and points towards an addiction. I am going against the grain here and would have a quiet word with the child's teacher to keep an eye out because it could be part of a bigger picture and we are all responsable for protecting children. Worst case the teacher knows she has financial difficulties.

I think it's weird how many people say "it's nothing to do with the school".....just so you know guys, the school know everything....from what you ate for dinner last night, to the fact your dog vomited on Monday, to daddy's opinion on Brexit and why mummy threw a plate at the wall. Whether you like it or not, teachers are looking out for our children and listening.

personally i think the school should know, something is going on that concerns mum and the children will be affected

NRTFT-
absolutely tell the school- they might be able to help put her in contact with food banks or charities. There is a possibility that she may need help completing forms for CM or whatever benefits are available.School can help and often have workers who support families.

if she’s asking you all the time, she will be asking others too, so school can keep you out of it.

Those saying it may be to fund drugs suggest an even stronger reason to speak to school.

Having no money is terrible. Poor woman.

That is quite a lot. Does she pay back promptly?

I have never lent her money and never will. As a rule of thumb we don’t lend anyone money due to some issues within our own family.

Yes we have said clearly no, when she didn’t get the message when we were more polite and hoped she’d get the hint. We haven’t replied to her messages for a while now.

We have now both blocked her on all platforms. DH has also spoken to her ex when they bumped into each other since i started the thread and it was confirmed the school already know about it and the best thing to do is just not reply. He just mentioned it politely out of concern and it sounds like this is an ongoing issue. DH doesn’t know the details.

At least we don’t have to worry what’s going on and I feel better about ignoring it completely.

I would urge you to tell it to the school DSL if it is NOT the school who has confirmed to you that the situation is known to them. I would tell the DSL at that school what you have told everyone online over the globe here over the past couple of days. Safeguarding children is everyone's business. It doesn't matter that Dad says they are aware. Please do that as well to finally let the matter rest.

From your update, this definitely sounds like a substance abuse or gambling issue to me, if the school is already aware of it. She isn’t her children’s primary carer and her relationship with a seemingly nice and responsible man ended for obvious reasons (probably he got tired of this crap too). You’ve done the right thing not to feed this by blocking her. If she approaches you at school, I’d simply walk away. You don’t owe her an explanation.

That said, I would actually tell the school. They are already aware, but this is one extra piece of the puzzle to build a picture of her child’s safeguarding needs. It may also support their dad if he needs to petition to change their contact arrangements if she falls apart further.

I would tell the school - very often in these sorts of situations there are already concerns anyway and this sort of info helps add to the picture.

on the money - tell her once more firmly not to ask, then if she persists block her. She sounds quite difficult - it’s not your responsibility to help her though and based on your updates re how she’s taken the piss when you’ve offered help I’d not entertain her again.

you have no idea if she is actually asking out of need or if she’s figured out it’s a good way to get money. I’ll bet that she has a regular pool of people she speculatively ask, does reasonably well out of it (hence persists) and never pays it back.

I would tell the DSL at that school what you have told everyone online over the globe here over the past couple of days.

That’a ridiculous and drama stirring. OP has made an anonymous post, there a million women cadging money off others, nothing the OP has said is identifying.

You misunderstand my intention - of course the OP hasn’t outed the herself or the woman . My point is - please go the next step and tell the dsl - they are professionally trained and it can be part of a bigger puzzle . The whole world is now aware of the anonymous situation - please tell the people who need to know in real life . The OP originally felt it was awkward and was sly . She used the words ‘. Slyly tell the school”. It really ISN’T to tell them. Its a safeguarding matter .

I think “sly” was the wrong word… I meant more like “discreet” but couldn’t think of the word at the time 😂 been speaking English every day for the last 10 years but still get lost in translation sometimes lol

It has nothing to do with school.
just say no. Do not elaborate. Just say no and walk away. Every single time.

"I really don't have any spare money at all, we're all struggling. Please stop asking because it just makes things awkward."

I would still speak to the school. You don’t know the nature of their relationship. He could have been controlling or coercive.

It's hardly out of spite- the school might be able to direct her to support

"I cannot lend you any money. I am struggling with the cost of living myself. Do not embarass yourself any further by asking. I am not a bank "

Then block.

Why would you speak to the school? It has nothing to do with school. Be blunt with her and say no i cant help and leave it at that.

As someone in SLT in schools, I would want to know that a mum was asking another mum for money, so we can assist if the family are struggling. If any parents arebeing harassed on school grounds we would want to know too. You could word it at the door on drop off as "just a quick one, I'm a tiny bit worried about Sarah's mum Anna, as she keeps asking if I could lend her money, I thought I'd let you know"

Don't mention this to the school. Why are you trying to bring them in? Tell her no and not to ask anymore ebecause future answers are also no.

Absolutely do not lend this person money. You will never get it back. Just tell her you have ni spare and to not ask you agsin