School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

This is bordering on harrassment, so I would also send her a message that this is unwanted contact, and you want her to stop harassing you over text and in person. Tell her you'll inform the police if she continues, and follow through if she does, on their non emergency number.

These kind of people infuriate me. There are a few like this on the school whatsapp, always asking questions about when PE day is or an event etc. They could go back and check their emails like the rest of us, but they can't be bothered. I used to answer, but I got fed up and no longer repond.

When she asks you these things, are you too readily available and respond to her straight away ? You need to tell her a firm NO and give no explanations why.

If she continues to text even if you ignore her, block.

Don’t talk to the school

this is a private issue. Stop the small favours and sympathy as it is giving the wrong impression, and just be very very clear that the money lending is not going to happen, the end

you just need to stop trying to be the nice guy as it gives her the impression that she can get more out of you, clearly she sees you as as soft touch you you need to change her perception of that

Does she say what she wants the money for? How much is she asking for? If you've ever lent her money, did she pay it back?

Not that I think you should give her any at all!

Really? First post goes for the nuclear option!

Just imagine the conversation:
"There's this mum at my kids school keeps asking me for money. Can you deal with her please"
"Well madam, let's see. Has she broken any laws?"

What do you think the police will do?

I am quite surprised by the number of posters reading this as a straightforward case of woman has money problems / is a CF / has no boundaries / must be stopped (the how is the point for discussion).

To me, asking people you barely know for money is so unhinged it's as much a sign of a mental health crisis as if someone came up to me and told me they were the next messiah. Or if one of the mums showed up on the school run topless.

I know people with boundary issues. And I know people who are cheeky and overstep. But the only people I can think of that would be effectively begging at the school gates are people with serious mental health or substance issues, and who need help? Honestly can any of you think of someone who would do this who wasn't mentally unwell and in need of help? Even the worst cheekiest people you know?

I'd be telling her she is misunderstanding our relationship. We are acquaintances. We do not lend money to acquaintances. Do not ask again, we have told you no, many times, the answer is never going to change, you are embarrassing yourself, and this is bordering on harassment.

Curious how the convo would go 🤔
She messages again to borrow money
Her: “Hey, can I borrow £X? I’m really short this month.”
You: “Hey, sorry, I can’t lend any money sorry, we’ve got extra expenses this month.”

You say she doesn’t take no for an answer, so what does she say next ! 😬

This is your battle to fight.

The school have enough on their plate.

Based on your response, you think this person sounds sane and just has overstepped?

My read is honestly this woman must be having a mental health episode. Normal, rational people don't go around hassling acquaintances for money. Even cheeky ones.

It sounds like she has a very thick skin so you need to be very clear.

"Oh dear, that sounds hard. I may not have been clear in previous texts but X and I don't lend or borrow money from friends and family. I would appreciate it if you didn't ask again as it makes things awkward."

You might add details for the foodbank or local charities.

If she asks for more help, e.g. contacting charities on her behalf, you have to be equally blunt.

"I'm not able to manage that as I have my own life admin to deal with. Perhaps someone at the school can assist you."

Yeah, fair enough, one of those give an inch and they take a mile folk. We've all met them.

I only mentioned it because you seemed to care enough to put a post up on MN about the children. Thought may be a possible solution. So now totally clear you're not interested in going down any route, I'd not tell the school and just block her.

Point her in the direction of a food pantry, if you have 0ne in your area. One in my area offers debt advice, and money grants towards electricity etc. And she can chat to others with the same problems.

From your updates it sounds like she either has disabilities or a substance misuse problem. I would alert the school from a safeguarding perspective but not expect to know what the outcome was.

Well that gives her the ammunition to say or think "OK, I'll ask again next month".

I guess that's the point you were heading towards.

First, I would block her everywhere. That will take care of texts/calls.

As far as her approaching you 'in person' at this point I'd be direct and borderline rude "Mary, you've asked us numerous times and we have told you no in no uncertain terms. What don't you get about that? If things are that desperate perhaps you need to contact Social Services for help". Hopefully the mention of SS will put her off without you 'threatening' to contact them yourself.

The only reason I'd get the school involved is if she's going around the schoolyard asking numerous parents for money. Then I think the school could get involved and ask her to stop doing it on school grounds.

How do the requests go? You must be giving her mixed signals or some idea that she can ask you, because I can’t imagine saying the words NO to someone and them still asking.?
so how does she ask you and what exactly do you say to her

Report to dsl This happened to me recently except my daughter is secondary and & I had met the parent for the briefest of moments . I started a thread in here I was asked several times for over text for small amounts . I reported it to the school dsl when it became clear it was all very odd and annoying as well as embarrassing The school naturally and are bound to tell you nothing but said the family were known to them . It’s potentially all part of a bigger picture which they need to know for the best interests of the child . The school will have a what they call a “ professional curiosity “ about this situation in safeguarding as it is a potential marker for neglect or substance abuse or a parent struggling . The texts dried up after that and I blocked them . I asked them to pass on the message that I did not want any money back . Very awkward as I don’t want that child in my home tbh . It was the first and last time I met them. Either the parent was struggling or it was a bit of a scam at the expense of their kids friendship - not good either way imo. The dsl will not say it has come from you . If she works out so be it. If she confronts you for telling the school As unpleasant as that is you make it clear you tried to tell her before you weren’t in position to assist and perhaps other support is needed.

Like others have said it’s absolutely none of the school’s business. If she’s having difficulties with school trips/meals or whatever, it is up to her to approach them and get assistance/guidance.

Firmly but politely say, no you are not in the position to lend her money.

It is a sentence that doesn’t go into your personal situation or a justification as to why you don’t want to lend her money.

I voted you are being unreasonable because involving the school is not necessary glad to see you’ve said you won’t.

Send a firm clear message and leave it at that, you are not being unreasonable not wanting to lend money.

I'm shocked by people saying it's "none of the schools business".
This is how children end up neglected, abused or killed - because no one bothers to report concerns 🙁
This could just be someone trying it on to get extra money.
Or this could be a family that needs some help.

Some people don't take hints, and it sounds as if this woman is one of them. You need to be direct airing on the blunt side, if it comes across as rude, then so be it. I'd say 'We are not able to lend or give you any money. We don't have spare money sitting around to lend or give away. Please stop asking'. It's direct and there's no means for her to be confused or misunderstand your reply. If she continues, then you and your husband need to block her completely.

Tell her no.

Discuss this with your DH for the reson that you need gim to say the same, just in case she comes creeping to him for cash as he also needs to say no.

She needs to seek some financial help and advice but thats up to ger to del with.

She is a user. Block and ignore online and in real life.