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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

657 replies

Playnoway · 09/02/2026 17:10

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

  1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
  2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
  3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
  4. He will sit and cuddle her.
  5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
  6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
  7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
  8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

OP posts:
tiredbutnotsad · 09/02/2026 17:13

I can see why this might hurt a bit but if it was me I’d be over the moon someone cared so much about my dc and wanted them to be a part of the family. Maybe she’s just making a huge effort ?

UniquePinkSwan · 09/02/2026 17:15

There is nothing wrong with it and it’s a good thing surely?

PrincessOfPreschool · 09/02/2026 17:15

It sounds like a lovely relationship. What a lucky lad to have a stepmother who treats him as her own.

The best friend is a bit odd but I think it's probably a little 'inside joke' and I bet he wouldn't say it front of school friends!

2026Y · 09/02/2026 17:17

This all sounds positive to me FWIW -

  1. Obviously she is not his Mum but they have a special relationship so I think Best Friend is nice.
  2. This sounds like a clever way to ensure your SOn doesn't feel left out in light of the new arrival.
  3. I don't understand why this is an issue.
  4. Why wouldn't be cuddle someone who has been in his life for as long as he can remember and takes care of him.
  5. Of course they love each other - why wouldn't they?
  6. They are family
  7. I can't see why this is a problem.
  8. I can't see why this is a problem.
AlcoholicAntibiotic · 09/02/2026 17:17

I think that’s all fine. Why do you think some of it is weird? Surely the more positive, loving relationships your son has the better?

Freetobe3 · 09/02/2026 17:18

I can understand why it might hurt but it sounds like it's coming from a place of jealousy rather than actual concern. Nothing you've described comes across as mega inappropriate (the best friend thing might be a tad weird but equally, nothing that triggers major alarm bells!)

From a safeguarding perspective, there doesn't seem to be any reason to limit or stop contact - she IS his step-mother and its actually really nice that he has another safe, reliable adult in his life (including her parents) - kids can never have too many adults that make them feel safe, happy and loved!

grumpygrape · 09/02/2026 17:18

Surely best friend is better than Mummy ?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/02/2026 17:18

You're, maybe understandably, jealous of their relationship. Stop and think which is worse. Would you rather her and her family treated him the same as they treat the other child or would you rather they treated him as a non-relative so he felt out of place?

I think you should count yourself lucky someone who spends so much time with your son clearly cares for and loves him just as much as you do personally

Lucelady · 09/02/2026 17:19

Do you think this is an unsafe relationship OP?

Your post reeks of a back story.

NotAnotherScarf · 09/02/2026 17:19

No not inappropriate. She is his step mother (yes I know technically she's not but she is a huge part of his life) and unlike the wicked step mothers in the stories she's made sure your son is safe and made welcome in his dad's house, that his sister isn't outshining him and he has no reason to be jealous of her.

She sounds lovely. I know you don't want to hear that, but would you rather have her dought on her child, make your son feel unwelcome and ignore his needs

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/02/2026 17:19

It can only be a good thing that your DS’s stepmum is so caring towards him, and they get on so well. If I was you I’d be delighted I didn’t need to worry about their relationship. I take it you are jealous? Please don’t be, it’s so much better for your son for his relationship with her to be a good one. Surely you can see that?

HardworkSendHelp · 09/02/2026 17:19

OP your son is blessed to have a lovely step mother. Flip the switch how would you feel if she ignored him and was mean to him.

Rowley456 · 09/02/2026 17:19

You have just described a really lovely step mom/step son relationship. I think its great that she seems so close and interested in him. Believe me this is often not the case. Would you prefer if they were distant? The fact that he refers to her as his mate and not step 'mum' is a plus is it not as it means there is no crossover between your roles and place in his life?

Mumsntfan1 · 09/02/2026 17:20

The evil woman. She should lock him in the cellar with only dry bread and water all weekend so that he knows only Mummy loves him.

cardibach · 09/02/2026 17:20

When my DD acquired a stepmum one of my friends (with personal experience) said to try to be happy she had another adult to talk to if she had a problem - as teachers we both knew kids who had nobody. Try and see her in this light - another caring adult in his life (and yes, DD’s stepmum was the OW in my breakup - doesn’t change what’s right for DD).

stayathomegardener · 09/02/2026 17:20

Why do your ex and step mum have your son every weekend?
To me that’s the fun time where you can relax and kick back a bit or do something fun and stay up late.

Just trying to think if that might have any bearing on the situation.

Personally I would be happy he had this close relationship whilst also feeling pushed out. Tricky.

dairydebris · 09/02/2026 17:20

This reads like youre jealous tbh. Actually thats a pretty understandable emotion. But its your problem to deal with. Objectively speaking its great that she loves your son and vv, much better than not loving him. I think you have to suck it up. Sorry.

DigbyandFizz · 09/02/2026 17:20

Is it more that you don't think your DS is doing enough with his dad/ his dad is checked out of parenting? Everything you have mentioned sounds fine and some sounds really good for your son feeling secure in both homes.

emmetgirl · 09/02/2026 17:20

This sounds like a lovely relationship. He’s a lucky boy to have such a lovely step mum.
My DD (now 30) has always had a great relationship with her dad’s wife and I’m so happy that she has. Children should all have so many people that love them and care for them.

Happytaytos · 09/02/2026 17:21

She sounds an amazing SM. Let her crack on.

Bikergran · 09/02/2026 17:21

You should be thankful that your son has such a lovely and loving relationship with his stepmother. That's what she is, whether you like it or not. She has obviously put a lot of consideration into ensuring he feels wanted, secure and loved within her and his father's relationship. He is a very lucky boy to have both them and you to love him.

Why on earth do you want it to stop? Why are you so jealous?

I also have children who have a stepmother, and they have a great relationship with her. When my ex died, they were by her side, supporting her, as she supported them, through such a sad time.

SnowWaySnowHow · 09/02/2026 17:21

This all sounds completely in your son's best interests

Nothing is that you have said is any way inappropriate

Shmee1988 · 09/02/2026 17:22

You sound jealous OP. I can totally understand that. However, if it were me then id rather this than the alternative., which is a horrid step mother that doesnt care about him. She is his family, you have to accept that. She not your family. I hope that if you re marry one day then your dh will treat him exactly the same.

Runnersandtoms · 09/02/2026 17:22

I can really see why you don't like the idea of her having such a parental role with him. But you really really are being unreasonable and there are much much worse step parent situations. If she wasn't treating your son the same as her own child you'd be shouting it's unfair. You need to put your own feelings aside and be glad your son has more people in his life that love him (including grandparents). None of this has to have any bearing on his relationship with you.

ShirtLent · 09/02/2026 17:23

Maybe your ex isn’t doing enough as a dad rather than the stepmum is doing too much.

I think it’s sweet she let your boy visit the baby first.

I have always felt that the more genuine loving people a child has in their lives the better.