AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Possibly but in the first post op questions why dad isn’t doing bedtime so I assume he’s there.

I can understand why you feel hurt by this, but it does seem like she has your sons best interests at heart. I am concerned though that you don't get any down time with him at the weekends? You have him Sunday night to Thursday each week. When is your chance to do some fun things together?

They are a family of four and are going to divide tasks up as it suits them best. Maybe Dad does the early mornings, or takes him to football on Saturday. A stepmum dropping a child off at a club once a week and reading a bedtime story is not weird or inadequate parenting on the Dad's part.

Inevitably will change her username and start a new thread with slightly changed details to try and get a different reaction!

1. Perhaps they were talking when he was 3 and they talked about best friends and it stuck.
2. Sounds sensible to me, they're siblings. I had a v young step daughter when my son was born and she was OF COURSE one of the first to visit because SHE'S HIS SISTER!
3. It's nice that they have a special thing and surely that's one less taxiing job for you?! Brucey bonus.
4. Good? Like, isn't feeling comfortable and at home and safe and loved by a step parent so much better than the alternative?!
5. It's great that they love each other, she's an important adult in his life. It doesn't mean she replaces you or your ex. As a step mum of a now young adult, I love her, she is an important family member to me and her dad and her brothers and her mum.
6. My stepdaughter is my family. I'm not just married to her dad. I'm not just some random adult in the house, I'm part of a family unit that helped to raise and care for her and support her in her dreams and ambitions and hobbies and friendships.
7. I used to put all of our children to bed and I love reading myself so I'd usually be the one who read stories at bed time. And yes, I am a good reader! My husband also read to them but in our household, I'd usually be the one doing stories and songs and shadow puppets at bed time. I'd be really hurt and alarmed if my stepdaughter's mum decreed that I wasn't allowed to do that anymore and dictated that my husband had to do that instead. It's none of her business who does what in our family home and she needed to trust that her child was at the centre of decisions we made but that we're not childminders or nursery staff, we're other family members.
8. OH MY DAAAAAAAYS. Before my son was born, my stepdaughter would call my parents "myname's mum and dad" e.g. "Jen's mum and Jen's dad" to their faces to "please can I have a biscuit Jen's mum" etc. Fine. She's always called me by my name, her Dad is Dad and her Mum is Mum. When my son was old enough to talk and call them Gran and Gramps she also started calling them that. And do you know what? It didn't matter!!!! Her mum loves that her daughter's a part of my parents (and my siblings and niblings) lives, that she's got this whole extra bonus family. My husband isn't very close with his family whereas we go to my parents every weekend for a meal, go on holidays with them etc. It would be worse and so much sadder if my stepdaughter hadn't been part of that. If someone asks my mum how many grandchildren she has, my SD is included in the number. That doesn't mean she's removed from her mum's parents' number or my MIL's number - she's got an extra set of adults in their 60s/70s who love her and support her and treat her and welcome her.

I sense that you're really insecure about this and maybe feel like your ex should be pulling his weight more but you really have to trust that while your child is in their home that they are doing what's best for the child. It's so much better that he has a positive relationship with this step parent than the opposite. Are you worried that she's feeding him these "best friend" and "special thing" lines? Let it go. It's not a competition. As they have a young child there's every chance that she's also taking the lead on a lot of the parenting of her own child and it's natural that your child fits in with that and they don't disrupt their family routine for half the week for their child when it's clearly something lovely in your child's life anyway.

As a stepmum who gave as much to my stepchild while she was with us as I did my own children it would devastate me to find out that her mum had written a post on mumsnet like this. What do you want her to do?! Christ.

The role of Mum and best friend are very different though; we all only have one Mum, but can have many friends and several 'best' friends. I'm not sure it's always helpful or healthy to conflate the two. I think it's great that he has so many close relationships...trying to limit them wouldn't seem like it's in his best interests surely?

Do you ever speak to his stepmother? Do you get on? You might be able to tell her you’re feeling left out a bit?

I was a similar stepmum. I got on really well with my stepson. Other than calling each other best friends, I think I did everything on that list. It was never to “become his mum” or “replace his mum”, but simply because I loved him and, in marrying his dad, he became part of my family and my life. Years down the line, after some bumpy times, we all tick along ok now he’s an adult. I’d say his mum is a lot easier to get on with now.

Look at the big picture- what do you want for him - a stepmum that is kind to him or one that puts him as second best? And you kind of created this because you seemingly prioritised going out with your friends at weekends and going on holidays with them over doing things that your child enjoys with him. Most people would prefer holidays that don’t involve child activities, but it’s just something you do when they’re children.. You might have a few bridges to rebuild with your son. And trying to spoil his relationship with his stepmother won’t achieve that.

She is not “trying to be his mum”. She is being his step-mum.

You think she should be “polite and not nasty” but nothing more than that? What a low bar you set for how your son should be treated by the people he spends most time with.

And why on earth should they never be alone together? That is utterly, utterly bizarre.

The further I get through your posts the less sympathy I have for you OP. You sound like an incredibly selfish person and I am so glad for your son that he has his father and step-mother in his life.

I picture his future wife posting on here about her jealous and controlling mother-in-law.

Youre jealous because she is a great mum and has gone out of her way to make your boy feel like her son.

The stuff with the holidays is just unbelievable. You havent taken your son away because you prefer to holiday with your mates because you want to sit by the pool and not do anything your son wants. Its very sad.

This has to be a joke.....

I think it is sweet he refers to her a a best friend, it means she is not trying to take your place, but have a special relationship with him nonetheless!
as for not ever having weekends, that would be horrendous for me. Weekends is when all the stress of school runs and the daily drag is over and you can do fun things for you both.
I wouldn’t choose to do half the things by myself that my kids want to do as I am a grown woman but they enjoy it, so I do too.

I genuinely feel sorry for your son !

She sounds lovely and you sound jealous. There's nothing inappropriate about their relationship. She's his family. You may not like that but it's true.
What you're finding is that your choice to never have him weekends so you could go out partying, not take him on holiday because he's stressful, these choices are catching up on you. His normal is now to do these things with his dad and that side of his family.
Would you really try to sabotage a really healthy, loving family dynamic which your son seems to have with his dad and step mum? Why?
If you want to take him on holiday, take him. Arrange one that doesn't mean he has to miss out on his holiday with his dad. And organise something that he'll enjoy. Start rebuilding your own relationship but don't try to break down the others in his life.

The baby thing is very respectful to your son - the baby is his sibling.

I think you need to find a way to manage your jealousy about your son's relationship with his stepmum, rather than expecting the relationship to change. It is very sad that you can't look at the benefits your son gets from having a secure relationship with a person he spends half of the week living with, even if it does hurt your feelings.

I cant understand why you cant take your son on a holiday as well as him having 4 weeks away with his dad? Also holidays with kids are about compromise, so you can encourage your child to consider that a few days will be spent doing things you enjoy but you should also ensure that he gets to do his favourite things too. If you like lying by a pool, could you choose a hotel with a kids club so he can make friends and have fun while you relax?

Why cant you invite his friends round to your house after school?

Can you perhaps discuss the custody arrangements so that you can have maybe one weekend a month with him, to have more time together? It is a shame that you didnt consider this when he started school, you just say it benefitted you to go out at weekends.

You've done this to yourself by giving away all the quality time with your son. Rejig the contact schedule so you have weekend time with him, not just the school run slog. Take him on holiday - he's 9, he doesn't get a say - and do the things he likes, try to have fun with him and form a bond. You've got a lot of ground to make up. Children vote with their feet and you have allowed him to feel like he isn't your priority, but he is theirs/hers. Children gravitate to where there is love and focussed attention. She is giving him that. Time you started.

Well it’s actually refreshing to hear of a dad making a decent amount of time for his child who isn’t from his first relationship! Wow, so dads can manage to do it!

This is the quote that stood out to me too. The depth of misunderstanding in these few words ...

I think it's probably too late to change anything now.

Your ex has chosen to have his new wife share his parenting responsibilities and it works very well in their case.
The stepmum loves your little boy and makes him feel very welcome.

They have had their own child but ex and stepmum have traversed that in a way where your son doesn't feel left out at all.

You are the one who feels left out.
Maybe you should share that feeling with our ex and ask how the situation could change slightly to include you a bit more as you feel that your relationship with son is suffering.

Could you go to France and holiday near them one time and have one on one times with DS every second day?
Could you rearrange your time slightly throughout the school week?
You run the risk of your son having a poor opinion of you if you upset hisl ovely life, Op.

I would say nothing and be happy for DS.

OP I know I'm going to come across as being harsh here, but you are coming across as being a really selfish Mum. Please read the comments being left on this thread and change your attitude otherwise in a just a few years time your son will quite possibly move out and move in with his Dad and Stepmum, unless that is what you want?

Just wanted to gently say OP that I understand it must be difficult that your son has such a close relationship with his step parent, I really do get that but… it sounds like his father and step mother have created a really solid child centred home, holidays that are catered to his interests and weekends spent socially together… where as it sounds like that’s maybe been missing a little bit in your relationship with your son? I would suggest that your feelings may be a bit misplaced and to work on building something similar into your time with him :)

You're jealous, which is human. She sounds nice. You need to think a bit about your attitude. And dont forget, relationships change. It wont be long before he's a teenager and probably will be more interested in his friends than either you or his stepmorher. I think you need to chill.out. It could be so much worse.

I'm sorry but the only inappropriate thing I can see in this post OP is your blatant disregard of your own child
You havent taken him on holiday because it means you can't laze around a pool and chill all day because good lord you have to entertain your child. Compromise and explain to him that your whole holiday isn't running around theme parks and have one chill day in a week. You shove him off to his dad for half the week realistically you only really have your child before and after school cos you decided that daddy having him weekends gave you your freedom to go out with your mates all the time. In reality your ex and his wife spend better quality time with your son no wonder you're jealous. Maybe it's time to renegotiate the arrangements and actually take a weekend or two a month of having your child yourself and you may actually form a bond with him from the quality time you'll spend with him. I see so many posts on here about wicked step parents shoving the kids out of the picture once they get cosy and move in with the other parent it's actually nice to see a post about one who actually cares and here you are whining about it.

Nothing stopped ypu building that relationship, you still pick up 3 days a week.
This is one you, you wanted your weekends free when he was young and now that youve realised he has such a great bond with his stepmother you're not happy.
You get out of relationships what you put in, your son is 9 and you've never taken him on holiday! That is just shocking!!!

I absolutely agree with this. It’s v sound advice.

this is what just some kids feel to young aupairs. It is big sister thing, nothing inapropriate. See the many thread where the step mothers don't want to do free childcare...even about the cuddling, would you stop a child doing this who sees you as a family

you struck a pot of gold here, OP. Honestly. Would you have it any other way, her complaining how much she has to do for him, ignoring him, feeding him crap, leaving him on the telly 24/7