AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

I agree with others. It sounds like a lovely relationship to me.

His stepmother has been in his life for 6 years. He probably can’t remember a time when she wasn’t.

It sounds to me that they have a lovely relationship, especially as she now has a child of her own and hasn't pushed your son out in any way. I think its great that her parents treat your son as one of the family, would you rather he felt neglected by them in favour of their biological grandchild? By all accounts he is a lucky and much loved little lad.

This is either a reverse or rage bait.

Kids need more people who love and care for them, not less!! My children have a lovely bond with my partner he loves them and they love him, we get on really well with the boys dad and it’s a pleasure to see them having good relationships.

She is related to your son. She’s his sisters mum, he is part of her family and I think it’s lovely they get on well and she makes time to do something nice with him and they have a lovely relationship. Shows your ex chose well. There’s nothing inappropriate about it, except your reaction. families come in all shapes and sizes, be happy your son is happy, because surely that’s the goal? A happy settled child?….its not about you it’s about your child.

You are being very unreasonable. Don't you think it's good that his Stepmother loves him? Do you think she should ignore him or be cold towards him?
I read so many posts where step children are not accepted, the relationship between your son and his Stepmother sounds lovely.
Are you jealous?

It sounds to me that from the outset she has made sure that he feels included and part of the family. Not an outsider, especially with the new baby. She hasn’t been insular and only wanted it to be them three she’s see it as us 4.

I think it’s really important for family integration for step parents to have 121 time with step children especially if they’re involved from youngish. So they have an actual relationship not just two people existing in the same house.

she isn’t his parent but she is an important adult in his life and part of his family unit. It’s a good thing that the person who married his other parent loves and cares about him.

She founds great, and it’s lovely for him to have a good relationship with her. 👍

There's nothing inappropriate in what you have written, remember she has been there pretty much his whole life (as much as he can remember anyway). If she was some random girlfriend, I would understand your concern. It makes sense for the sibling to be the first person to see the baby, a lot of parents do that. Its great that her family are accepting him as part of the family. I'm sorry OP but this is a 'you' issue. Is there more to the story?

Sounds like a lovely relationship, not an inappropriate one. I'd be delighted if my son had such a fantastic rapport with his stepmum.

“His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum”

why did you say this if you are then going to go on to reveal you have major issues with absolutely everything this woman does?

You sound jealous and you need to rein it in because it’s not in your sons interests to sabotage such a positive relationship.

It isn’t inappropriate, but I can understand why you feel hurt by some of it, and are a bit jealous.

If you think there are things his dad ought to be doing with him, then you need to address that as part of your co-parenting relationship with his dad. If she’s taken responsibility for reading, extracurricular activities, and involving him in outings involving her own DD and her parents, because your ex isn’t interested in doing any of that or fostering a grandparent relationship with his own parents - I think you both owe her a bit of gratitude for picking up your ex’s slack.

I have been a step child, I have had step children, and my own DC have a step mother. So I have seen this from every angle.

You should be so grateful that this lovely woman is prioritising your child and making them feel cherished and loved.

My XH had a long term partner who hated one of my DC and it was bloody horrible.

Sorry but it sounds like a great relationship. You mightn't like him being to close to your ex's side of the family (and his new family) but you should be grateful that they're so welcoming. And he's happy too. Now, that is something to be grateful for.

Is this rage-bait??? I wouldn't have loved a relationship like this with my DSS

I’m afraid you are just jealous. Their relationship sounds normal and healthy. He is lucky to have such a lovely stepmom.

I also think it’s a bit unusual that you never have your son on weekends. Is there a reason for this? It would be a good time for you and him to spend a lot of bonding time together which you seem upset that he is having with his step mum

Is this a reverse?

Surely no one would want anything other than this from a step parent?

If genuine, then I think you are jealous that another woman has such a good relationship with your son.

YABU. There isn’t anything unreasonable about their relationship.

I had a similar relationship,to the one you're complaining about, with both my step-mum and my step-dad.
As a now 50 something year old and having lost both of them, I am so grateful for how privileged I was to have four adults in my life who loved me unconditionally as parents.
Please be happy for your son, his lovely and special relationship with his step mum doesn't mean he loves you any less, it just means he's one very lucky and very cared for boy.

Yes surely a reverse. She sounds like a lovely step mum. Is that you Op?

I know of a 9yo whose mum died. Dad has a new partner plus toddler. They all live together. The new partner practically ignores the 9yo. She spends big time on her toddler but not on the 9yo. Doesn't read to the 9yo. Doesn't give her bedtime cuddles even! Won't give the 9yo lifts to places (eg for a school friend's party) while Dad is at work. Fortunately my friend & her DH are caring GPs who spend a lot of time with their GD).

Is that what you'd prefer, OP?

So you don’t want to be told YABU but started a thread in AIBU?
Make that make sense

YABVU. You sound jealous, petty and controlling.

How great that the lad has a lovely Step-mum & Step GPs.
Let's hope the bio-Mum's jealousy is well hidden from him.

Your son is lucky to have a step mum who loves him dearly and makes him an important part of her life.

You only need to read threads on here to know how dreadful it is for children who have stepparents who dont care or who resent them.