AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

Many people would be overjoyed that their child had such a nurturing and loving step parent.

Absolutely!

Be thankful OP.

If my child was spending every weekend with someone, I’d rather that be someone who loved him and he loves in return.

she sounds like an angel, honestly.

It’s hard to say why I’m concerned. It’s just a gut feeling that I’m losing my son. When he wants something he never asks me he always waits till he’s at dads because they’re rich (she has a good job). I invited him on holiday this year and he didn’t want to go because he wants to go on holiday with dad and his family. It’s hard because his mates and their parents all know her and dad but I don’t know any of them.

There were lots of responses very quickly so it took some time for me to read them all.

I strongly suspect this is a reverse. Or a thought experiment.

Surely at his age he has no say over going on holiday with you.

Yabu and bitter. Your son is such a lucky boy to have a stepmum who loves him.

1. Why can't he call her his best friend? Thats lovely he feels that way about her.
2. It's normal to want a childs siblings to be the first to meet them. She clearly values and prioritises your child's role in her child's life.
3. Why can't they have a special thing? She's his stepparent not a stranger
4. And?
5. That's not a bad thing, more love a child can get in this world the better
6. She is his family, shes his stepmum. You may not like it, but that's what she is.
7. Why can't she read him to sleep? Very normal thing for someone to do. It's fine for him to prefer her to do it rather than Dad.
8. How fantastic her parents have accepted him as part of their family.

Would you rather she treated him with contempt? That she and her family excluded him and showed clear favouritism towards her own child? That she does nothing for him nor show him any care because shes not her kid? That your son is made to feel less-than because he's not "family" to her. Honestly OP behave, you are thinking about your feelings not your child's best interests.

I’d be so glad if someone would take any of my children off my hands Thursday-Sunday ideally their dad and a step mum who loves them like this. YABU

You invited him on holiday? He’s 9! Surely you just say ‘son, we’re going here’?

It does read like you’re jealous OP. Why haven’t you made friendships with his friends families?

This must be a reverse.

No wonder this all happens if they have your son every weekend! Don't you ever want to spend some time off with him??!

I feel for you because you’re obviously very jealous, and I know I would be a bit jealous too. But she sounds like an amazing stepmum! He is lucky to have her.

Have a word with yourself @Playnoway .

This doesn’t read right, is this a reverse?
Nothing of it is weird or wrong, it’s lovely. My son calls me his best friend. He also calls his wee school friend his best friend. He knows the difference. Sounds like the mum is afraid he prefers the stepmum.

• You ‘invited’ your 9 year old child to go on holiday with you?
• He refused, because for some reason, that would stop him from going with his Dad and step mum?
• He lives with you Sunday night to Thursday, but you don’t know any of his mates or their parents?

Hmm.

It’s hard to say why I’m concerned.

No, @Playnoway , It's very easy to see why you are concerned. You are jealous.

I get it, it's hard. But you need to work on your relationship with your son and not wish away hers.

You're not losing him. You're his mum. Be happy for him that he has love and support on his dad's side of the family, and find other things that can be 'your thing' together. A hobby or activity, even a tv show or a game you both enjoy. Make sure you spend quality time together when he's with you.

Why don't any of his friends know you? Can they not play at your house?

One thing that does seem a little unfair is that his dad and stepmum get him every weekend and you get the weekdays. I guess that might be because of your work commitments or whatever, but actually does it mean they get much more time with him, because he's not at school? I would maybe have a chat about changing things so that you get to spend more weekends with him and do fun things together.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum

You go on to list a load of stuff that belies this statement.

She does sound very caring towards DS which can only be a good thing. It's natural for you to feel a little wrong-footed by their closeness (well, I would, anyway) but remember that you'll always be number one in DS's life. Having a good SM is what we'd all strive for in in a similar situation.

It's far far better your Son has this relationship with her than one where she hates him, resents him, tries to cut down on his time with his Dad and tries to make him miserable.

Would it help you view their relationship in a positive light if you used the european term "bonus Mum" rather than "Step Mum" when referring to her? It might help you see the values of the relationship the way 98% of us see it.

Opposing this relationship will only make him resent you as he grows older.

This sounds like a close relationship between step child and step mum. Nothing inappropriate in my opinion, but I can see why some of this might sting a bit. But be grateful he has someone else in his life who loves him, and hasn’t just pushed him aside when her daughter was born. I think he is a lucky boy to have a 3rd person who adores him.

I hope you take in the replies here and see that your son is so lucky to have all these bonus people in his life.
Try to be confident that you are his mom and always will be. Don’t get into competition or conflict because of this.

It's understandable, but you're completely in the wrong. It's a good thing for him that he has this relationship with her. Of course you feel hurt, but it's in his best interests.

"I invited my 9 year old child on holiday" is probably one of the most formal things I've ever read on Mumsnet.

And one of the most confusing.

He's 9, you tell him where you'll both be going on holiday, you don't invite him.

Are his dad and stepmum a bit less formal?

This would hurt but so many children are mistreated or even abused by step parents, I’d just suck it up to be honest and be glad she treats him well.
If she had her baby and pushed your ds out, you’d be on here complaining he isn’t included and treated the same. You need to let it go and spend some 1:1 time with him doing something to both enjoy to bond over too.

Your jealousy is palpable. Be very careful your son doesn’t pick up on it because it’s more likely you’ll be the one rejected for it than his stepmother- who sounds delightful.

She’s not “that woman” She’s an excellent stepmum. He’s not your husband. He’s your ex. You are very definitely the weird one in this equation.

Does he mostly live with them and only visit you occasionally?

If it's 50/50 then you just book your holiday for a week he's with you and tell him where you're going. He's 9. And if you don't know his mates and their parents, invite them over after school.