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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

657 replies

Playnoway · 09/02/2026 17:10

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

  1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
  2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
  3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
  4. He will sit and cuddle her.
  5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
  6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
  7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
  8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 09/02/2026 17:23

What a bitch. How very dare she care about a child she has had in her life for 6 years.

holycrapballs · 09/02/2026 17:23

On the face of it, it sounds like a lovely relationship.

She is his family and he spends a lot of time with her.

Her wanting him to meet his new sibling before anyone else is so thoughtful and sounds like a way of making sure he feels included and important.

I can understand that jt might feel hurtful but if she’s nice, treats him well and loves him then he’s a lucky boy to have that. So many step-parenting relationships can be toxic.

SillyGoose33 · 09/02/2026 17:24

You are well off the mark here , you sound jealous more than anything . Please dont make this into something its not and ruin this relationship for your son

HeadyLamarr · 09/02/2026 17:25
  1. They are very close and have a living relationship. That's good
  2. That's the very nicest way or making sure your son feels valued, not pushed out by a new baby, and an important person to his new sister
  3. Having a shared interest strengthens the step parent and child relationship; again, a good thing to have stable supportive relationships in his life.
4 & 5 - both perfectly normal in a family
  1. Yes, they are family if they've chosen to be. Blood relationship is irrelevant to children.
  2. She takes him to a Drama Club. Of course there's every chance she definitely is the best one at reading and doing the voices. That's their shared interest
  3. The number of people protesting about step-great-grandparents not treating children as part of their family are endless. Some families are very open, some aren't. Your son is very fortunate.
bumptybum · 09/02/2026 17:26

You say she’s lovely and you have no issues with her as a step mum but then you go on to complain about everything she is doing as a great step mum.

She has been living with him since he was 3 when his father moved in with her. She’s not calling herself mum. She’s obv asked your ds to call her his best friend instead. He’s got to frame her as something.

his dad and SM fad their own child 4 years ago and it sounds like neither she nor her parents have minimised him. I think you do not realise how good you have it. She hasn’t replaced you. She’s an extra person whi loves your son

Lilah93 · 09/02/2026 17:27

She is his family, I'd be happy they have a good relationship and she treats him as her own from the sounds of it which is what I'd want for my children

MuddyPawsIndoors · 09/02/2026 17:27

I'm finding it very difficult to take your OP seriously.

If it's a reverse, can you just tell us all now before anyone gets too invested? 🙄

BreakingBroken · 09/02/2026 17:30

At 9 he might say this just to wind you up.
The more love he experiences the better, and yes that includes from unrelated extra grand parents.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 09/02/2026 17:30

What a lucky wee boy. I can imagine how hurt you are at this, I would be jealous as well.
Be thankful her and her family are not like the step-monster people on this site.
Extra people that love and care for your boy can only be good thing, surely!

blooooooor · 09/02/2026 17:31

Another one from the series - things that never happened. 😵‍💫

WallaceinAnderland · 09/02/2026 17:32

What a lucky boy having such a loving relationship. Nothing wrong with that ist.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/02/2026 17:33

My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.

Can't see the problem with this. It shows they have a really close relationship but that he doesn't think of her as a mum.

When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.

Er... of course?? 'Her daughter' is HIS SISTER. It's totally appropriate that he should be the first person to meet her.

He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.

Oh, grow up. Of course they can have a 'special thing'. She isn't his parent but she is his family.

He will sit and cuddle her.

She's been his family since he was a toddler. This is normal.

He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.

Totally normal and absolutely lovely.

He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.

You and your son are a family. Your son, his dad, his stepmum and his sister are also a family. Get over yourself.

She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?

She's not 'this woman', she's his stepmum and the mother of his sister. Of course she can read him a story.

He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Oh, honestly, get the fuck over yourself. Why the fuck WOULDN'T you want your son to have nice people in his life who make a fuss of him and make sure he isn't left out?

This has GOT to be a reverse, surely. You cannot possibly be as bitter and selfish as this. Any decent mum would be delighted to know their son was as loved and included at his dad's house as he was at hers.

My brother married a woman with two kids and they then went on to have more children together. Of course my brother read his stepchildren a bedtime story, put them to bed and cuddled them. They were small children. Was he supposed to cuddle his biological kids and read them a bedtime story and then just ignore his stepkids? His stepkids call my parents Nanny and Grandad to this day - and they're now in their late 20s/early 30s and my brother is divorced from their mum! They call me and my sister their aunties. That doesn't mean we're in any way replacing their biological relatives - we're not. But we were invited to their weddings etc just as their biological grandparents and aunts/uncles were, and their biological family are lovely and completely unthreatened by that. In fact, both their biological grandmothers have told me, separately and unprompted, that they really love the way the two kids were/are part of our family.

TellMeSomethingGoodAboutMrSchuAndHisTightBreeks · 09/02/2026 17:34

This reads like a reverse.

Nobody is that obtuse.

Ljzjta · 09/02/2026 17:34

The only bad thing I take from this post is that you don’t have your son at the weekends ever. How do you create memories and enjoy experiences with him on school days!?

StickerGirl · 09/02/2026 17:34

I can see why this would be hurtful for you.

But she is not unreasonable and neither is your son. It sounds like she’s a nice lady and they have a lovely bond, and to take this away from him due to jealousy would be really unfair to him.

Many people would be overjoyed that their child had such a nurturing and loving step parent. Surely your child would be upset to have this taken away from him due to your own insecurity with it?

SpecialAgentMaggieBell · 09/02/2026 17:34

YABU. Everything you've described is a normal step parent/child relationship. Sounds a lot like my relationship with my DSD. It's definitely not inappropriate.

Jellybunny56 · 09/02/2026 17:35

You’re so incredibly unreasonable it is baffling that you cannot see that yourself.

FrangipaniBlue · 09/02/2026 17:35

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a unanimous vote/thread in favour of the step mum 😂

Pollqueen · 09/02/2026 17:36

I think you should be thankful they have a good relationship and she loves your son. The alternative would be far worse

Movingonup313 · 09/02/2026 17:36

This sounds wonderful for all. Wish my children had anyone.other than me who loved them so much and.cared for them. What a lovely relationship. Hope you can soon see it that way.

catipuss · 09/02/2026 17:36

She is his step-mum, not his mum but she is treating him like a son when they have him. Would you prefer her to ignore him and only care about her own DC, that would be horrible and mean. She has obviously grown very fond of him over the years and he of her, it would be very odd if they hadn't formed some sort of bond, and involving her family in his life is a bonus I would think, assuming they are all nice people.

I understand it is hard seeing your DS bonding with another woman, but the alternative would be very hard on him. You are still his mum and you love each other in a different way.

Throwmoneyatit · 09/02/2026 17:37

You're jealous.

Surely you would want as many people loving your son as possible.

She clearly treats him amazingly well.

dreamiesformolly · 09/02/2026 17:37

And here it is, folks. Stepparents officially Can Not Win.

OP, your DS has extra adults in his life whom he loves, and who love him.

Why do you have a problem with this?

StrawberrySquash · 09/02/2026 17:37

My only question is has dad pushed off parenting his child onto the woman? He should be having a relationship with his child. But other than that, the more adults that love your child and give them time and attention the better.

NoYourNameChanged · 09/02/2026 17:37

If a stepmum must be had, may all stepmums be like this one 🙏 the more people who love, care for and cherish our babies, the better imo.