AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

[Playnoway]

Help please, I think this is a completely inappropriate relationship but my ex doesn’t seem to think there is an issue.

My DS is currently 9 years and I am a single mum. He lives with me Sunday night to Thursday after school and stays with dad Thursday till Sunday. Me and his dad broke up when he was only 6 months old and my husband moved in with his new partner 6 years ago and married her 3 years ago. They had a baby of their own 4 years ago.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum but as he gets older I’m finding their relationship even worse.

AIBU to think everything on this list is completely inappropriate for a stepmum? Should I speak to her or consider changing the arrangement for custody?

1. My DS has called her his best friend since he was 3 and he still does it now. He has loads of friends at school but still says this about her.
2. When she was pregnant she wouldn’t let anyone visit her daughter until my son had visited.
3. He goes to drama club every Thursday and he will only let her take him. He says it’s their special thing, it’s so weird for them to have a special thing she’s not his parent.
4. He will sit and cuddle her.
5. He says he loves her and she loves him. So weird in my opinion.
6. He says she’s his family, she isn’t she just married his dad.
7. She has always read him a book before bed. He says she’s the best reader. Why doesn’t his dad do this, why is this woman putting my son to bed?
8. He calls her parents nana and grandad and spends a lot of time with him. They take him places like play area and indoor play. They’re not his grandparents. Why is dad allowing this?

Please tell me I’m not unreasonable. This woman has a completely inappropriate relationship with my son and I want it to stop.

It all sounds positive to me - they have a child together yet he is very much included with his siblings grandparents. I would be pleased and hope it doesn’t change. There are so many horror stories of step children being left out that I would embrace it. Best friend has been used by the step mother to give importance to the relationship whilst acknowledging she is not his actual mother.

Aw he’s lucky he such a special relationship with her and no it’s nt weird
maybe not nice for you I can understand why you would feel put out envious maybe
but please don’t try poison his mind against her as it sounds like she’s tried really hard with him and he means a lot to her
you should be grateful really

I normally go away in summer with friends because he goes with his dad and I’ve never taken him on a holiday before. I wanted to take him this year, I asked my ex and he said that’s fine but he won’t be able to change his dates as they arranged their holiday in September. They usually go for 4 weeks but said he would change to 2 weeks so I could take him away as well but my son completely refused and said not a chance.

We have always had the arrangement of Thursday to Sunday. When he was younger we arranged this because my ex worked during the week and I enjoyed going out on the weekends. It just seemed best way for us both to spend time with him. Now he’s older it’s a bit more difficult because I only see him before and after school.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the things you have mentioned. In fact, it seems like a wonderful, positive, situation and relationship for your DS living over split households. If you went for a change in custody based on any of this I imagine you would be laughed out of court.

I would find this difficult as well, but would try and remind myself that it’s a huge positive for my child. I can understand your feelings though.

I can see why you’re hurt, and jealous to be honest but this woman isn’t just the woman your ex married, she is family, she is his step Mum and Mother of his half sibling.
I think it’s great she puts as much effort into the relationship with her step child as people do with their own child and calling her parents Nana/Grandad is really lovely as he won’t feel any different to his half sibling when they visit.
My Step Mum would be really hurt if I described her as ‘just the woman my Dad married’ my children call her Nana, she calls them her Grandchildren and does as much with them as her own biological Grandchildren.
Blended families are so tricky, but from what you have posted it doesn’t sound inappropriate to me.

Your son is lucky to have a step mum like that. She sounds very empathetic and thoughtful

It's not inappropriate, you're jealous.

Only read p1 and OP posts but I'm wondering if this is a reverse and you're the SM having issues with the mum?

Because why, why, why would you think her not letting anyone meet her daughter until your DS had was an indicator of an inappropriate relationship.

You “invited” your 9 year old on holiday? That’s a very bizarre thing to say. Also why don’t you know his friends and their parents? Either this is a reverse or there is a massive backstory. I’m just glad I’m not a step parent because what ever they do is wrong apparently

As a Mum, I can see that this relationship must be a bit difficult. Maybe you feel like you are losing your son to her. You are not and won’t. He is your son and loves you.

I was a similar age when got a step Mum. I would have absolutely loved someone kind, loving, fun and considerate like your sons step Mum. Instead I got a nasty, jealous bitch who made my life miserable. She hated us kids, as she just wanted 100% attention from my Dad and wished didn’t exist.

She has ended up a very sad, lonely woman now my Dad has passed away. None of us bother with her.

She has a better relationship with your son than you .

This woman sounds lovely. Your son is incredibly lucky. Number 2 on your list actually brought tears to my eyes. You are jealous. Its a normal emotion but accept it as that and deal with it.

I think there are two different issues here. Firstly, I think it sounds really lovely that he has such a good relationship with his stepmother and that she clearly loves him.

But a separate issue is that you have him only on school days, so no weekends, and no holidays - so he is spends more quality time at his dads. My ex is richer than me, and is happy to throw the cash around, but I don't think that influences my children in how they feel about him versus me.

I think maybe you need to try to get some weekends with your son and if that's not possible, certainly half of the school holidays and go somewhere with him.

Considering most stepparents get their arse handed to them for no good reason on MN, it’s nice to see so many comments in support of your son’s stepmum. She sounds helpful, loving and involved. What is the issue? I can understand you might feel jealous of their bond but putting your feelings aside, are you not happy and grateful that your son has a woman in his life who actually cares about him?

Oh OP, I can totally understand your hurt. But nothing in this relationship sounds weird. And his step mum is family - she's the mother of his sibling. I think it's particularly lovely that her parents treat him the same as their own flesh and blood. It doesn't always work this way. In fact too often it's the complete opposite and your son could be marginalised. The important thing is that your son is happy and thriving.

So this is a woman who’s been in your son’s life for six of his seven years and who he spends 50% of his time with and you think what you describe is ‘inappropriate’? I thought this would be about him calling her mum or a bath time/sleeping situation. I think you need to stop projecting your insecurities onto a woman who has treated your son very well.

Of course she loves him and of course she’s his family. And as for the horror at the grandparents also treating him nicely, how many threads are there on here of relatives excluding step kids from family occasions?? Don’t let your own jealousy impact your son’s relationship with his dad and step family, focus on being the best mum you can be and dealing with any resentment you have.

She sounds like she dotes on him.

I can imagine if the roles were reversed and you were the Dad and your child was female most people would say it would be a totally inappropriate relationship.

But unless there's more to it than we're being told I think its a healthy relationship and lovely she is including him so much.

This sounds like you're very jealous which is a valid emotion but nothing you've said is weird. She's been a present member of his family for 6 years. Just remember you are his Mum and nothing replaces that bond. You need to find a way not to allow these feelings to damage your relationship with your ex or your son.

As a step mum myself. My stepson is very much part of our family. My DH and I have another DC together and they have a special bond. He is included in everything just as if he was my own son. He was the first visitor when at the hospital when I had my DD. He came with flowers and a balloon for me and was so chuffed to be big brother. My family also treat him as though he were my biological son.

His mother remarried another women so he essentially has 3 Mums. Despite us having a good relationship, his other step mother is his favourite. They have shared hobbies and he prefers to do certain things with her than us. We are just so glad our blended family gets on so well and he has so many adults that adore him. His other Mums are also amazing with my DD and treat her like part of the family. We also regularly have his extended family come to stay. As far as I'm concerned anyone who is important to him is important to us.

To help with your resentment, I would suggest finding something 'special' that you do together. Regarding holidays, can you not plan a holiday at a different time to your ex so he can have 2 holidays? That's what we do so he can be involved in both.

This is where it sounds like it's backfired on you. You clearly enjoyed going out on weekends and having child free time, during this time your son has spent time forming a relationship with his step mum who has perhaps shown more interest in him and made herself more available.

I don't understand though how a 9 year old gets to insist on whether or not they go on holiday with you and is 'invited'. Surely it should be a case of they are told they are going away with dad for 2 weeks in September but you have booked a holiday for the two of you for a week in August. There shouldn't be a choice over it.

Forgive me if I've got this wrong, OP, but from your updates it seems to me that you've found it easier over the years to have your son less. You wanted to go out on the weekends and go on holiday with your friends. Now your son's a bit older and easier to take care of (and maybe you don't have the same opportunities to socialise anymore?) you've decided you want to spend more time with him. But he's been happy in a stable set up for the past six years and doesn't want it to change.

Honestly, I can't imagine why you would choose to miss spending quality time with your son so that you could go out every weekend with your mates. Once in a while, sure, but you gave up every weekend with him for that? Luckily it sounds like he has a really lovely family on his dad's side.

If you want things to change, you have to make the effort to spend quality time with your son.

not even reading the thread because you sound jealous and bitter.

you should be over the moon considering the length of time he’s know her (most of his life) and the fact she prioritises him. If it was new I’d understand. Jealous ex. End of.

I asked him yes because I usually holiday with mates and he always goes with dad.

I know them but they don’t stop and talk to me in the playground like they do with her. I see them all talking during the week when she’s picking up her daughter. I feel excluded. They all have a WhatsApp group which I’m not in. All his mates call her by her first name but just call me xxxs mum.

She sounds amazing and your son is very lucky to have her. Your ex also seems accommodating as he’ll cut his normal length of holiday to allow you and your son to go away too.
Like others I find it odd that you’d invite your 9 year old….you're the parent!

She sounds like a kind and loving stepmother. You should be happy your son has that kind of connection with her.

Sometimes kids luck out with their stepparents and it sounds like yours did.

If you're unhappy with the custody schedule as it stands, think about what you gain or lose if you uproot your son's long standing routine. It suited you for all this time and changing it might not go over well.