DH & Stag Do

[AnotherAnonAgain]

I’m going to start by saying I know IABU. Posted here more for traffic.

DH told me at the weekend that the stag do, the wedding he is best man at, will be abroad for 3 nights and 4 days. We have two children a two 1/2 year old and a 4 week old.

By the time the event arrives, toddler will be almost 3 and baby will be 6 months. We are a great team one of us will cook while the other play with the children and then we will do bedtime together.

I can’t be the first person in this situation I’ve read posts where people have DH in the army and I’m sure other mumsnetters DH have been away. Also there will be lots of single mums so I know I’m being silly getting all worked up about this. Can someone please calm my nerves and tell me how you juggled tea time and bedtime with two so young.

Mine are 22 months and 3 months, DH has worked away a few chunks in that time for 4-5 nights and my advice is to prep!! Prep meals before he leaves and pop in fridge/freezer so that it’s just a case of heating up/making pasta to go with bolognese etc on the night. I do bath time and bed time together, feed my baby while toddler goes to sleep and then baby falls asleep after that x

Rally round the troops if you can, are there friends of family that can help at all? Even if that’s just an hour during the day to keep you sane. Agree with PP about prepping as much as possible

also, can everyone fuck off with these holiday stag/hen do’s?! They’re so expensive and utterly shit for family life

Sorry but absolutely NO WAY on earth would my DH be going on this unless I had substantial help from my DM or MIL ? Are you back at work yet also ? Your husband sounds terribly selfish.

He’s not going until the baby is 6 months, you’ll
be well out of the newborn trenches by then,
and assuming still on maternity leave so don’t have to worry about juggling work?
I advise prep too, no cleaning or housework apart from minimal maintenance, quick and easy meals and food shop done in advance.
If you have any family around book them in to help with things like spending a bit of time entertaining your eldest or doing some nursery pickups.
DH worked varied hours when our DDs were little so wasn’t always there for bedtime, my advice is just that you get through it somehow.

also OP get something booked in for the moment he returns (curtesy of him of course) a hair appointment, massage or an afternoon tea. Just something to look forward to when you’re in the trenches

I never understand how anyone can support this of their DHs. There’s a fundamental difference in HAVING to work away and choosing to go on a jolly with your mates. I’d be in camp absolutely fucking not but you’re a better person than I am.

To answer your question, you need family help. Could toddler have a sleepover with MIL? Your DH should be doing the prep though - speaking with people for help, getting the meals prepped.

You will be fine. DH and I were very rarely ever together at home while the kids were awake, so it was pretty much just one person doing everything with them and it works. I think it’s all about routine though, you currently have a 2 person routine, so can’t see anything else, but lots of people manage just as well with a 1 person routine.

Don't be ridiculous.

You don't need 'substantial help' from anyone with a 3 yo and a 6 mo. You just do it.

Seriously, OP, I went away for the week when my youngest was 11 months old. My then husband booked the week off work and had a great time with them.

It was harder than he'd imagined hut only because he'd assumed he'd be able to have a friend over most nights once the childen were in bed to watch a film and it didn't happen once! 😅

And the laundry he'd washed hadn't been put away but, other than that, they were all fine and had a great time.

I came home the day before our daughters first birthday and he'd also arranged a get together with the family, made party bags for the children attending and baked a cake.

It's 3 nights. You'll be fine.

I have twins (teens now) but my DH has always travelled for work.

His first trip away after we had the D.C. they were 8 weeks old.

You are panicking because you haven’t done it before but it is entirely doable, you just need to be organised.

Take a minute to work through what you could do to help you manage it, eg meal prep etc.

It’s good to know that you are able cope on your own - what if your DH got ill or had to travel for some family thing?

Your DH should also be able to cope with them in his own (once you aren't breastfeeding obviously if that is relevant)

Because you don’t stop having friends and a social life just because you’re a parent.

It’s three nights away - it’s not like he’ll be gone for months.

Will be fine, in fact you may even enjoy just being you and dc for a short time. Exh often travelled for work so I was regularly alone with 2 dc, eldest autistic diagnosed at 2 when youngest was a few weeks old. Remember you get a trip in return as payback

I always find the comments on these posts absolutely ridiculous. Like when you become a parent you can never leave your house without children again. Sorry when you become a Dad. If it was mum you’d have comments saying go for it you deserve a break DH should be able to cope.

Why would you need so much help for one weekend? Baby will be 6 months, not a newborn. My DH went away for a long weekend when I had similar age DCs and it was fine, and I have been away too and my DH managed fine too because we’re competent adults. OP will be absolutely fine.

You'll be fine. Just plan simple dinners, maybe cook ahead before he goes if you like but you can do it, it will be absolutely fine.

And some people won't understand this. Parents don't stop having lives just because they have children - I had my own hen do last year when my kids were 7, just turned 2 and the youngest 7 months and if my husband had refused to let me go because we have kids, he wouldn't be my husband now! Equally I would've been disappointed if my closest friends didn't celebrate with me because their own partners refused to "support" them coming along.

My sister's hen do is later this year and I'd tell my husband to get stuffed if he tried to say I couldn't go, equally he will be going to BIL's stag (3 nights abroad) because my husband is more than just a parent who can't do anything other than help me take care of the kids.

OP, don't get me wrong, it is daunting having to take care of a baby and a toddler at the same time, when you're already sleep deprived and barely making it through the day! Don't worry about routines or cooking fresh etc. At bedtime sit on the end of toddlers bed whilst feeding baby - occasionally the stars align and they fall asleep at the same time!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all by being unhappy your H is going on a 4 day drinking and partying bender when he is a married man with a very young family.

What have these stag dos got to do with forthcoming marriages anyway? They are just an excuse for a group of guys to go away and behave badly to somewhere where the drink and the sex is cheap and their wives and partners can't see what they get up to.

I wouldn't be happy being married to a man who thought it was acceptable to go away on one of these stag dos.

I went away on a jolly when baby was 7months and toddler 2.5 😂. DH was absolutely fine!

But yes, plan for people to come round, friends, parents etc. You are in the trenches now, so it feels horrendous, but it will feel better by then!

There’s a lot of assumptions in your post.

Not all “stag do” trips involve cheating, sex or bad behaviour. And a cheater will cheat anywhere, even on a business trip. You either trust your DH or you don’t.

The OP didn’t ask about the wisdom of the actual trip, she asked how she would cope alone.

The OP has just had a baby but by next year she might well fancy a girls trip for a few days. Successful long term relationships involve some give and take.

I agree.
I'd take a pretty dim view of it. If he goes, I’d make it clear to him that he cleans and tidies the house beforehand and he meal preps for you. Oh and he’ll be having the kids on his own when he gets back.

This is spot on.

Dad parenting alone - should be able to cope and is useless otherwise.

Mum parenting alone - completely incapable.

Which is laughable when every other thread is about how useless men are and little more than a third child anyway. It's like whatever the narrative is, the woman must be the victim. It's tiresome.

It’s 3 nights! You’ll be grand, don’t know what the fuss is about to be honest.

Loving all the “substantial help required” posts! Even if you don’t have time to prep, you’ll muddle through. Dh travelled every week for years when the kids were little and we had 13 months between ours. Yes it was hard but we survived 🥰

Post an ad in the newspaper - substantial help required to look after own kids for 3 days 😅

It will be fine, OP. everything will be different by then. You can bribe the toddler with chocolate buttons (or whatever works). You can do a picnic tea on the carpet in the lounge. You can put the toddler to bed a little later if you need to. You can ask family of friends for help. You can prep food before hand (or get your DH to). You can get up later or spend a couple of days doing very little.

Personally, I would plan food before hand with plenty of stuff I know the toddler likes so that will be less stress. But also get in some M&S or whatever ready meals that I like. Along with a bottle of wine I could have a glass of each night when the hard bit was over with. Make sure it's all in before he leaves so you don't have to worry about shopping. But there's always delivery if you need it.

I would try and make the week or so before he went away as low key as possible for the toddler and save up any treats for the time DH is away. Plan it out (and put the money aside if that can be an issue) so you don't have to think too hard about what to do at the time. Have a few options so you have some easy choices. It doesn't have to be going somewhere, though I encourage you get the toddler out and running around so they're tired! It can be craft idea, or baking while the baby sleeps, etc. If toddler is easily appeased with screen time, then use that to your advantage.

Also plan out treats for you - a glass of wine at night, a TV show you want to but don't normally watch, a new throw on the bed - whatever will make you smile when you see it.

If you have a babysitter you trust with them at that stage (your mum, for instance) see if you can get them in for a few hours and go out with friends.

And when he gets back, make sure he's taking over from you for an equal amount of time so you can do what you like for a while (even if what you really want is a stress free family time with him and both DC while he picks up all the grunt work of that)..

I think you are being very naive if you think the overseas stag dos dont involve drinking, sex and bad behaviour. Have you ever looked at any of the many sites set up specifically for the planning of these stag dos?
Of course people cheat on business trips but the percentage of men cheating on stag dos where the specific aim is to drink, visit clubs and generally behave badly is very high.
Why should the OP or any woman sit at home looking after very young children when their father is away drinking and partying with his pals on a 4 day bender?