DH & Stag Do

[AnotherAnonAgain]

I’m going to start by saying I know IABU. Posted here more for traffic.

DH told me at the weekend that the stag do, the wedding he is best man at, will be abroad for 3 nights and 4 days. We have two children a two 1/2 year old and a 4 week old.

By the time the event arrives, toddler will be almost 3 and baby will be 6 months. We are a great team one of us will cook while the other play with the children and then we will do bedtime together.

I can’t be the first person in this situation I’ve read posts where people have DH in the army and I’m sure other mumsnetters DH have been away. Also there will be lots of single mums so I know I’m being silly getting all worked up about this. Can someone please calm my nerves and tell me how you juggled tea time and bedtime with two so young.

To the OP’s question about how I’d cope. I’d have food in the freezer, I’d lower expectations, I’d make plans with friends. If my 3 year old watched an hour of tv while I put my wee one to bed, that would be fine. Ignore stuff that can be left, cleaning or whatever. Get the kids in bed and get a takeaway and total choice of tv watching. Bliss!

It might seem daunting if you haven’t done it before but honestly it will be absolutely fine, and maybe even quite lovely.

I am struggling to understand why you can't manage 2 children at feeding and bath times. Im really not being nasty but this is ridiculous.

I concur

you have plenty of time to plan - just don't be uptight about everything being perfect, concentrate on you and the DC

You'll be fine

Yes I am aware.
A prime example of women assuming that because men behave badly they are going to behave badly too.
What a shame feminism has become all about women trying to emulate men.

Of course women can cope, and do cope brilliantly, when their partner isn't there. Sometimes for prolonged periods.

But having to cope just so her DH can go off on a four day bender is a different matter.
He is chosing to behave as a single man. That is totally different from other situations.

You never answered the question though - do you immediately assume that your husband/partner will drink with no limit and cheat on you when he goes on a stag do? Because I have zero of these concerns and it wouldn't bother me at all that my husband will go and have fun with his friends. If I had concerns about him cheating on me, the stag do will be the least of my concerns.

You already answered yourself.
Re managing your small children, I'd say it's all about choices.

He’s not choosing to behave as a single man, he’s going on his friend’s stag do. You seem
to be assuming they will all be up to god knows what. When my husband goes away with his mates it’s biking, eating and beers. All good clean fun.

It’s because your baby is currently four weeks old! Honestly, it’s like if I’m ill, I can’t imagine what it’s like to feel better - I know I will be though. Or how you can’t imagine how you possibly needed jumpers, scarves and coats when you’re sitting outside in summer. My best advice is just go with the flow, don’t put any pressure on yourself or your partner. My husband worked away every other week and was also on call every three weeks, I had no other local help but I didn’t think anything of it (had third baby with 2 and 4 year olds). This is not a boast at all - it was chaotic - but it’s all relative because, as you mention in your post, I lived in an army area (all new to me!) and was in awe of what these (mostly) mums were capable of. Please don’t overthink it right now and enjoy your time with the family.
If, in a few months’ time you’re worrying, feel free to come back on here and tell me off 😂

I had 3 aged under 5, middle one with disabilities, no local help. I sometimes wonder how I coped, my husband was rarely home for bedtime, then had to work away for 6 months only coming home at weekends. The answer is I did because I had no choice , I was fairly organised but also happy to muddle through when necessary. I remember taking all 3 swimming on my own with the youngest literally a babe in arms !
I would prepare meals in advance, do the washing before he left, make sure the house is relatively clean and tidy before he leaves, then hunker down with your little ones and don’t put pressure on yourself to expect everything perfect while he’s away.
Its give and take isn’t it, mine stays at home with my now adult disabled child for 4-5 nights so that I can go to London for a lovely trip visiting another daughter.

@Ithinkofawittyusernamethenforgetit that’s a very good point, with a four week old baby currently you probably feel like you’ll never leave the house again, in six months time things will be different and you will have got more used to how your little family works !

The Epstein affair isn't just about Epstein you know.. One of the fundamental things about it that a whole range of men saw women as sexual plaything- the victims. Or as useful tools to further their objectives - the women in positions of influence such as Sarah Ferguson.

Similarly the stag do isn't just about cheating by having sex with other women. It's the whole package: drinking to extreme excess, behaving like single guys, going to strip clubs / lap dancing clubs, booze cruises, stripping chamber maids, strip taxis. You get the gist. Booze and misogynistic behaviour.

I take it you are ok with all of that so long as your DH or DP doesn't actually have sex with another women? And if he does you are unlikely to find out anyway because of the code of silcnce.

We typed our posts at the same time and I agree with you, do you look back at photos and think “how come we’re all dressed and out?” 😂

I laugh so much at some of these posts. He’s going away for 4 days, not 4 months. Why on earth would that need family and friends mobilised to rally around and support. Do some prep of meals, relax the routine a bit if needed and you’re fine.

As for the “he must book you a treat when he’s back” nonsense…partners are meant to be a team, you don’t need to guilt people into things. As long as OP and her partner balance their lives out in general it’s fine. On top of that you get the “he’s going to be shagging his way round the place” posts as all stag and hen weekends are notorious for that…

My partner wanted to go away for his friends 40th birthday for a week abroad and I said to him absolutely not. We had a 4 month old at the time and whilst on maternity leave I wanted to go abroad and see family on my own with the baby and he wouldn’t let me ( even though he was working everyday anyway and still had a great social life in the evenings and weekends). Caused a rift between best friend and I. I got really angry and pointed out he’s single and has his children every other weekend and without fail on the weekend he doesn’t my partner is ALWAYS out with him on a Saturday night till 3/4am and he didn’t bother going to Budapest for my partners 40th. I also said if he is happy for me to go away then fine he can do what he wants but as he stopped me for the reason of “ I’d miss you too much” I said does that not work this way round then too??

And now actually the every other weekend outings have become less frequent and his best friend treats him less like a wingman and understands their single man days are over!

I agree. And then they’re all bitter and hating all men on every divorce/stepmother thread, and I always think “I wonder why he left you/cheated??”

OP it’s just a few nights with two children. Plan ahead. Batch cook things that can be easily warmed up. Get the children used to doing bedtime a little differently so they don’t need a parent with them every minute. And plan something for yourself while he runs the fort at some point too. Working together and giving yourselves time and space too is good for a relationship.

This. No wonder so many marriages don’t last. It’s three days. Chill out.

Wow, you are making huge leaps here. Not all men suddenly treat women like that just because they're on a stag do. I would 100% trust my OH going on a stag do because well, I trust him. There would be no need for any secrecy afterwards. But as I already said, OP isn't worried about this

If I haven't answered your question I answered similar to some one in the thread: the men I know, including my DH, wouldn't be interested in going on one of these dos.
They might be a normal occurance in your social circle but for a lot of people they are not.
It's not just about " cheating" - if you mean having sex with another woman.It's about what type of man they are, their attitude to life and their values, the type of friends they have. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone one who went on these type of dos and whose friendship group thought they were the way to behave.

Going away biking and enjoying a few beers with his pals is a totally different thing from a four day stag do abroad.

But that’s the kind of stag he and his friends have been on.

Really? You unable to care for your children on your own for a few days? Maybe have a word with a few single parents & theyll give you some tips.

In your view, yes. In the real world, no

If you are happy with your DH going on stag dos then fair enough. It's your relationship.