DH & Stag Do

[AnotherAnonAgain]

I’m going to start by saying I know IABU. Posted here more for traffic.

DH told me at the weekend that the stag do, the wedding he is best man at, will be abroad for 3 nights and 4 days. We have two children a two 1/2 year old and a 4 week old.

By the time the event arrives, toddler will be almost 3 and baby will be 6 months. We are a great team one of us will cook while the other play with the children and then we will do bedtime together.

I can’t be the first person in this situation I’ve read posts where people have DH in the army and I’m sure other mumsnetters DH have been away. Also there will be lots of single mums so I know I’m being silly getting all worked up about this. Can someone please calm my nerves and tell me how you juggled tea time and bedtime with two so young.

so in questioning her resilience you accept that it would be difficult and tough? Becuase that is what being resilient is - a capacity to recover from difficulty and toughness

so if it is tough for her and he is going for his enjoyment why shouldn’t she get some time afterwards to herself when he looks after the children?

there is such an overuse of the bloody word resilience this days

I think it would be tough in the way walking the dog in the rain would be tough. Might not be what you would choose to do but actually not that big a deal. And what you have signed up to. Your criticism of my use of the word resilience is semantics. I don’t think it’s a big deal to look after your own kids in that situation. I wouldn’t, and didn’t, need to recover. I actually enjoyed it. And I think OP could too but when you have a tiny baby I can see that would feel a long way off.

There is also an overuse of what is considered difficult and tough.

Do you really think that providing there are no disabilities etc that looking after your own children alone for 3 days is difficult and tough? Really?

Not at all. I trust my OH. Simple as that

Why do you need substantial help with your own children for 4 days, are you incapable of dealing with them?

Have a go at doing it alone before DH goes. You might find it surprisingly easy and decide to start taking turns doing it solo sometimes so the other can have a break.
What I found worked best with mine at that age was keeping them busy and stimulated through the day. Time outdoors whatever the weather, physical activity, some crafts, sensory play etc. By the time it got to 4pm they were happy to quietly play independently whilst I got on with making tea and doing the housework. Mine are a similar age gap to yours. When the youngest was 6 months I bathed them together and they loved it. Before 6 months I would get the toddler to bed and baby would be bathed later in the evening when toddler was asleep.
3 yo old can be involved in housework and looking after baby at that age eg passing you a nappy, show baby what tune you can play on your xylophone, put clothes in washing machine.
You will be absolutely fine, as you said, lots of people do it single handed.

What is childish is a mum being able to cope with her own bloody children

No what is childish is if he just assumes he can go and leave her just to get everything sorted rather than dealing with it as a partnership

which is why now he presented it is important

You’ll be fine, let him have fun-and then you book an equivalent weekend away soon! Meal prep / use easy meals, don’t expect to do any housework or laundry, invite a friend round for a play date so entertain your kids. I do plenty of nights / weekends solo - I quite like it!

It is childish to presume a woman can't cope with her own children

You are allowed a life after you've had children. Your life doesn't stop.

But he’s not going on a random jolly is he? He’s best man at the wedding FFS, this is clearly a close friend of his

OP, you’ll be fine. It sounds like you otherwise work well as a team so take on board some of the sensible advice to prep what you can before he leaves (meals, etc) but you’ll absolutely cope for a handful of days by yourself. Plenty of single parents do it day in day out without any choice and they survive.

It’s only a couple of days, you’ll be fine and completely in the swing of things by then.

Worst case scenario, chuck a Cook toddler meal in the oven, no need for proper cooking. Or when I was at my whits end with DH who often worked very late until after kids were in bed, I spent many an early evening in pizza express breastfeeding baby whilst toddler had a kids meal.

I think the 'rude' comments have come about not because of OPs worry but other posters who have said she will need substantial help amd berating her DH for having a short holiday. OP said she knows people cope, she was looking for tips and reassurance. I doubt comments about her needing substantial help and her DH should not go are reassuring at all but the ones combating them comments saying it will be fine may provide some reassurance.

I never understand why people have more children than they can cope with, or such small age groups that they can't cope.

Absolutely ridiculous.

If a man prevented a woman going on a hen do because he couldn't cope with the children he'd be torn to shreds

I agree with this , if a mum posted on here saying her DH wasn't allowing her to go away for a few days with her friends everyone would be calling her dh every name under the sun.

@AnotherAnonAgain it sounds like you and your dh have a good solid relationship and that is enhanced by working as a team and being able to cope without each other too.
As pp said preprepare easy to reheat meals and don't worry about the cleaning to much.

I would advocate both of you having a two or three night away each year from each other and your dcs .
Give yourselves space to blow of a bit of steam and enjoy lazy mornings and late nights.

I presume that means that you wouldn't allow women to go on hen dos either.

If you aren't happy for him to go then he shouldn't, simple. If it was essential, for work for example, that's different, but honestly a stag do abroad for days sounds a bit much anyway. I wouldn't be happy in your shoes tbh

This. I think it's absolutely fine for him to go, and you will be fine.

Two caveats - one, you get the same break when you want it. Book it now. He looks after the kids and doesn't get to complain.

And two, what's this with four day long stag dos overseas? Boys/girls trips away fine, if everyone wants to go but this forced idea of having to go away and spend money if you don't want to drives me nuts.

When can a parent go away for a couple of days then? Would you say the same if the OP wanted to go away with friends?

If a family has two parents I don’t see why one can’t go away- it’s really not a long time.

allow

What are you talking about?

It's not my place to " allow " any one to do anything. Barring the exception of my children before they became adults.

Not being in a relationship with someone who would go on one of these benders has nothing to do with " allowing".

And yes I do think the hen party culture is absolutely ott and ridiculous. They cause so many upsets. Seem to involve a lot of expense which many can't really afford. For what purpose? Seems like just so the bride has her ego massaged by having people dance to her tune. But if people want to go on the hen dos thats totally up to them. Why should it be up to me or anyone else to " allow" them?

My husband used to be away for work a lot. We are immigrants so no family here so it was always just me. If you're on maternity now, that's much easier - it was jugging work and nursery pickups where it got trickier.

Just give yourself permission to bare minimum that week. Don't do anything optional - everyone fed and (mostly) clean = success. I hate, hate, hate cooking so my husband would meal prep for me before he went (and still does now because I still hate cooking lol). So he'll make some soup and a massive cottage pie or something. You'll just have 2 people to feed so even easier.

If you have a family member who can help out a bit that's great, but it will be fine without this too. Have a think about what backup plans you have if something happens (once when my kids were 3 months and 3 my daughter - the older one - had a huge asthma attack and needed to go to hospital. We have no one to help with optional help, but in an emergency I had no issues calling a friend to look after the baby so I could go in the ambulance). So just think about your village.

If finances allow, throw some money at it - get a fun takeaway and do a floor picnic with your bigger kid, go to something like the zoo or similar if you're home all day, break up the time if you are able.

Always rubbish for the bride/groom that gets married last. I know a chap that went on a stag do of 9 people 3 years ago and all of them have kids now and can't go. Tragic.

By the same token if my DH wasn't capable of looking after the kids for a few days alone I wouldn't be with him and for him to sympathise with me alone with the kids I chose to have would be hugely off-putting

I had to come on MN to realise that some people consider bed time a 2 adult job!

I don't know anyone where 2 adults are needed, or even around. Even the most basic office worker doesn't come home that early.

The beauty of 2 adults is the freedom to not be stuck with the kids every single night - so dad can take over a couple of times a week at least, and mum can do whatever she wants, gym, friends.

So I think that stag do or not, it's a bit ridiculous not to start managing the kids alone.

Thank you for all the replies.

I am still trying to get through them all.

I am absolutely not worried about DH cheating and drinking loads. Like myself, he works hard and deserves a break. He doesn’t drink and I trust him completely.

I know if I was to go away he would look after both kids.

I am now a mum to two and still figuring out how to make things work. Bedtime is the most daunting for me because one of us reads to the toddler and the other gives the baby his bottle. I was worried how I would do both. The comments about I shouldn’t have had two kids if I can’t cope and it’ll be easy did make me laugh as they offered no advice. I can’t imagine commenting on someone’s post about how easy something is without actually offering advice, when the person asking clearly can’t see how easy it is. How judgmental.

DH would definitely help me meal prep before he leaves. I don’t want to let him know I’m worrying though as I know if I was going away he’d tell me to enjoy myself and not worry about a thing. (Thinking about days out I have had or nights away when we only had one child) he’s a brilliant husband and dad and I want him to relax. PP mentioned booking something for me he already said if I need a spa break when he’s back he’ll pay for that and yes he would look after both.

We don’t have help from anyone. Both grandparents involved but neither will babysit.

I wonder what happened to make people so bitter they really convinced themselves of ridiculous things like that.

You have to suffer from painfully low self esteem if you genuinely believe people have sex with random people the minute they are "abroad".

Why should the OP or any woman sit at home looking after very young children when their father is away drinking and partying with his pals on a 4 day bender?

where do you stand on men looking after their young children while their wife is away on a hen night? Because back in the real world, many women do! Not everyone martyr themselves the minute they have a baby